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Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 27, 2026 in Explosive Diarrhea, Humor, humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Explosive Diarrhea’

Living Retired — ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!’

By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk

Dietitians have long promoted the nutritional value of eating green leafy vegetables, including lettuce. Well! I wonder what these sliced celery stick-eaters are saying these days? The lettuce bowl has become, well, the toilet bowl. All because PhD-educated food scientists officially named a parasitic illness ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.’ This has led to a huge, well, outpouring across the USA.

They could have named it Volatile Looseness, even Unstable Intestines. But no, they went all out — so to speak — and named it EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! The culprit is contaminated lettuce, which when consumed causes cyclosporiasis, which causes the Human Elimination System (HES) to have a Sudden System Malfunction (SSM). The result is !#&%! By this time, it is waayyy too late.

This has made for interesting conversation at the dinner table…

“Jan, just to be safe I will take a pass on the lettuce salad this evening. I don’t want to embarrass you with EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.”

Jan put her fork down, wiped her lips with a napkin, and said, “Thanks a lot Gary. Suddenly I am not hungry anymore.”

“Well, next time would you like me to call it

… Read the rest here Read More

Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 21, 2025 in Aging, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Lotsa Hosta.’

By Non-Pulitzer Award Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.

According to the Chinese zodiac this year, 2025, is ‘The Year of the Snake.’

Jan and I are not celebrating ‘The Year of the Snake’ because — no surprise here! — Jan does not like snakes. Mention a snake and she has, well, a hissy fit.

So instead of celebrating ‘The Year of the Snake’ Jan and I are marking 2025 as ‘The Year of The Tupperware Salad Spinner’ — okay kidding! Seriously, we are going to observe 2025 as ‘The Year of the Hosta.’

Everyone in our neck of the woods can celebrate ‘The Year of the Hosta’ because homes with lotsa hostas in their gardens are as common as homes with basement sump pumps that do not work. Show me a homeowner and I’ll show you someone with their foot on a spade transplanting their hostas!

When a home is sold and the new owners take procession of their money pit — even before they install a new backsplash! — they dash outside and transplant the hostas. The last thing they want is their new neighbours reading about them in Godawful Gardener Magazine.

Jan and … Read the rest here

Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 7, 2025 in Aging, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Overheard Overhead’

Living Retired — ‘Overheard Overhead’

By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.

You know what is wrong going to an airport? Going to an airport! This is what I mean…

In the past year Jan and I have flown through airports in Toronto, New York City, Phoenix, Madrid, Lisbon, Vancouver, and Calgary. (I hear you, “Gary, are you nuts?” Guilty as charged.) This is what I have come to know about air travel…

The reason passengers are instructed to arrive at the airport as many hours as possible before their flight is so the airlines have as many hours as possible to make arrangements to delay or cancel your flight!

At the airport, passengers drag all their luggage to a computer kiosk to print their boarding pass which leads to a meltdown trying to manipulate the luggage stickers — that resemble hanging fly strips at the cottage — so they adhere to the luggage handles. Living Retired wives do this because Living Retired husbands always get the sticky side stuck to their pants. Just saying…

Next, husbands hoist hernia-inducing suitcases onto the scale. Whew!

Now it is time, you cannot avoid it, to begin ‘The Airport Hike’ — hauling your … Read the rest here

Posted by Gary Chalk on Jun 29, 2025 in Aging, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — Name Shame

Living Retired — ‘Name Shame’

By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.

I think my doctor may have made a referral for me, but I am not sure, because I didn’t ask for a referral. Technically, you could say I asked for a referral, but not in the usual way. Confused? So was I! It was two weeks ago. This is what happened…

I was sitting in the waiting room when the nurse appeared in the doorway to the examination room. She called out the name of the next person to come forward. As I walked up, she said, “Sorry I said Mary. Not Gary.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said Gary.” I smiled to Mary as she walked past me.

A few minutes later…

The nurse summoned the next patient. When I stepped forward the nurse said, “Sorry Gary. This time I called Barry.”

I laughed it off with the nurse and apologized to Barry as he walked past.

By now I was embarrassed. Other patients waiting were watching. I returned back to my seat.

Well damn it if it didn’t happen again…

The nurse reappeared at the door. This time she said, “Gary. It’s not you. It … Read the rest here

Posted by Gary Chalk on May 19, 2025 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living retired — ‘Cash Me If You Can’

Living Retired — ‘Cash Me If You Can.’

By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Humour Columnist Gary Chalk.

My Monday morning routine is to publish that week’s Living Retired column. Jans routine is to ask, “Gary, how on earth do you come up with such gobbledygook?” I explain that frequently the stories fall in my lap, or this week, in my wallet; but actually, it didn’t fall in my wallet. This is what I mean…

I am a fan of drive-through automatic teller machines (ATM’s) at banks. You drive up, insert your bank card, press a few buttons, and grab your cash all without even having to get out of your car. I have even deposited cheques, then driven off with confirmation of my deposit complete with an image of the cheque. How cool is that! But last week…

I pulled up to a bank ATM. No cars were in front of me, I thought it would be a breeze. I quickly inserted my bank card, entered my PIN, made some selections, and waited for the machine to dispense $200 in $20 bills. Right on the money, the ATM drawer opened, and the $20 bills slid into view. But when I … Read the rest here

Posted by Gary Chalk on Mar 31, 2025 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Fashion Backwards’

Living Retired — ‘Fashion Backwards’

By Gary Chalk.

I like to think I am a reasonably intelligent person. I figure I know a thing or two about the value of friendships, keeping my mind active, and looking after my health. But there is always a ‘BUT’…

The one thing I haven’t got a friggin’ clue about is which way my ball cap should point!

I grew up in the ‘BC Era’ — ‘Beaver Cleaver Era’ — when kids wore their ball cap pointing forward. Now Living Retired it is the ‘HCHBP Era’ — ‘High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure Era’ — and guys are wearing their ball cap pointing backwards like they are Johnny Bench.

I wore my ball cap pointing backwards, once. Jan said, “Gary, you look foolish. If our granddaughters see you, they will run away!”

Off the top of my head, baseball caps pointing backwards is really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to baby boomers trying to dress to be cool. This is what I mean…

Blue jeans. I remember bell bottoms. Regular fit blue jeans. Then stretch denims. Relax-fit blue jeans. Then it was faded blue jeans. Then blue jeans designed so … Read the rest here

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