Living Retired #225- February 19, 2018

‘YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT’

Three weeks. That’s how long it’s been since my wife and I purchased our his and her cellphones.

The first week we had a moment of weakness—similar to when the Democrats selected Hillary Clinton to be their candidate. I still don’t know what happened but we got so excited that before we knew it we were unpacking the cell phones from their box—it was like your grandchildren on Christmas morning except we didn’t puke eggnog on new pyjamas. Then Jan completely lost it: “Gary let’s activate the phones.”

Stupid us!

First thing first: insert the SIM card. If you’re like me you know as much about a SIM card as Trump knows about NAFTA; so I looked up the definition of SIM card. It said see ‘unintended consequences.’

Bottom line: a SIM card is a two-person job…

For days on end I fiddled with the deformed paper clip what-cha-ma-call-it that came with the cellphones trying to insert the itty-bitty SIM card into a teeny-weeny sliding tray designed to hold a postage stamp IF you folded it in half! I was swearing like a soccer mom—with rug-burns on my knees from crawling all over the family room … Read the rest here

THE 3 WORST WORDS: ‘ACTIVATING YOUR DEVICE’

Living Retired #224

Satire by Gary Chalk

February 5, 2018

WARNING…

The following contains disturbing graphic scenes: a middle-aged married couple trying to setup their new cell phones. Enough said.

For the life of me I don’t know what got into Jan. But right out of the clear blue she piped up, “Gary, lets set up the new his and hers iPhones we bought.”  

So, I did what was natural. I gathered myself; took a deep breath. Then screamed, “ARE YOU FRIGGIN” NUTS?”

Don’t get me wrong. Like other married couples Jan and I have worked alongside each other…

There was the time we set up our big screen television with wireless surround sound speakers. That is when we also decided to get rid of the old television remotes we had gathered—so I had a dumpster delivered to our driveway.

Anyway, after my outburst at Jan’s suggestion that we set up our cell phones, she immediately did what wives are supposed to do when they face a challenge: “Gary, I’ll go open a bottle of wine. You get the box the phones are in.”

Then it began…

As I opened the box I started to get the shakes. … Read the rest here

Living Retired #223- January 15, 2018

THE AMAZING CELL PHONE DIET

Me? I haven’t been able to control my enthusiasm.

My wife? She can’t contain her sarcasm.

“Gary please tell me you’re running around the house because you’re excited that for once you remembered to put the toilet seat down!”

Actually it’s better; much better. I am about to join the list of great inventors–people who have brought about transformational change with inventions like the automobile, the personal computer, and the salad spinner.

My invention is at the point that I can feel it in my bones. It’s that excitement all the famous inventors must experience when they realize their invention is going to be a hit!

I’m talking about that feeling Alexander Graham Bell had when he invented the telephone and screamed into the receiver “Watson, your call is important–please wait for the next available agent.”

It’s that euphoria that must have overcome that other famous inventor–Ron Popeil when he invented Hair-In-A-Can! You just know when you’ve hit pay dirt.

What I have discovered is a new way for middle age men to lose weight AND get in shape. The best part of my revolutionary fitness plan is that you don’t have to eat tasteless … Read the rest here

Living Retired #222- January 8, 2018

WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN.

Hello? Can anyone please tell me why I am doing this?

It is freezing cold outside. The wind is howling. The snow is up to my wazoo–which is another way of saying, “Dear can we just move to a place that is warm, has no state tax, and has strip plazas with liposuction clinics on every corner: Florida?”

But noooo. I am a middle age man, which means my DNA makes me do stupid things. Right now I am bundled in a heavy parka with a balaclava covering my head that makes me look like a protestor throwing rocks at a G7 summit. But instead, I am standing on a 30′ extension ladder reaching up to the eavestrough to take down the Christmas decorations in the middle of snowmageddon!

Of course the ladder doesn’t reach all the way up to the eavestrough–I do! This is accomplished by standing on the very top rung and then verrryy carefully leaning–make that teetering!–towards the string of Christmas lights. These are the lights that don’t blink. They haven’t since the first year I bought them. But each year I hang them in December, then take them down in … Read the rest here

Living Retired #221- December 18, 2017.

THE TWELVE WORDS of CHRISTMAS.

BREAKING NEWS: The ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ is old news.

It’s time to put the six geese a laying out to pasture. The eight maids a milking deserve time off. And the ten lords a leaping are all leaped out.

Instead, not back by popular demand, it’s my annual Living Retired ‘Twelve Words of Christmas’–twelve holiday greetings, each saying Merry Christmas in twelve words.

#1. Merry Christmas. Halv I addud enuf alkerhaul two tiss yeers ferrute kayke?

#2. Merry Christmas. Marijuana becomes legal in Canada in 2018. Oh My God!

#3. Merry Christmas. Trumps thumbs admitted to hospital intensive care unit. Prognosis: dire.

#4. Merry Christmas. If you’re coming over we need more batteries and booze.

#5. Merry Christmas. Come over if you can hook up an entertainment system.

#6. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the holidays–the 2020 U. S. Presidential election begins Tuesday!

#7. Merry Christmas. The tradition continues: outdoor lights don’t blink. I don’t care!

#8. Merry Christmas. “Dear, what on earth made you think I could fit into this?”

#9. Merry Christmas. Husband about to carve turkey. Cover kids ears. Call ambulance.

#10. Merry Christmas. 15 strings Christmas lights plugged into 1 outlet. Tradition … Read the rest here

Living Retired #220- December 11, 2017

14 SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Yikes!

Some things happen in the blink of an eyelash–like when you are prepping the night before your colonoscopy and you drink that cocktail from the pharmacist. “OMG! LOOK OUT DEAR I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM… NOW!!!”

Christmas is much the same. There is so much shopping to do, baking to be done, and more running around than your dog going in circles trying to get that damn Christmas bow off its tail.

So, with only 14 sleeps until Christmas here is the 2017 Living Retired Christmas Checklist…

#1. FIND A PARKING SPOT AT THE MALL.

Forget it. Christmas shoppers swooped in and grabbed all the parking spots at mall parking lots after the Halloween sales were over in April! But there is some good news. Malls recognize their customers needs are changing so they are assigning convenient parking spaces; look for the signs: “Baby Boomers With Onset Toe Fungus’, ‘Grandfathers Kicked In The Groin Lifting The Grandkids Into Their Car Seat’ and ‘Foul-Mouthed Soccer Moms.’ Nothing yet for ‘Middle Age Men With Gas.’

#2. HOST A CHRISTMAS OPEN HOUSE.

Sorry you’re out of luck. If you haven’t installed a new kitchen granite countertop–and … Read the rest here