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Living Retired: ‘WEDNESDAY WENT WRONG!’

Posted by on May 9, 2021 in Retirement Humour | 0 comments

Living Retired: ‘WEDNESDAY WENT WRONG!’  

Wednesday. If you still work, Wednesday is hump day. But for retirees like me, Wednesday is just another day: you get out of bed, trip over the decorator pillows that you threw all over the floor when you went to bed; and pull on the same relax fit jeans you wore yesterday. What a life!

However, last Wednesday was different for me. It seemed everything I did made me wonder if I may be having short term memory loss.

Did I mention that I may be having short term memory loss?

Here is what I mean. My Wednesday to-do list included a trip to the hardware store.

Jan asked, “Gary, what are you getting?”

Silence. “Hmmm, I’ll call you when I remember. Have you seen my iPhone?”

Minutes later I was backing my car out the driveway. Seconds later I was driving back in the driveway: I forgot my glasses.

At the hardware store I quickly purchased a garden hose. I returned to the car and opened the front passenger door and tossed the hose onto the seat; then walked around and climbed into the drivers seat. At least I thought it was the drivers … Read the rest here

Living Retired: ‘ECONOMISTS ESPOUSE; POLITICIANS PERTURB’

Posted by on May 6, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired: ‘ECONOMISTS ESPOUSE; POLITICIANS PERTURB’

Economists and politicians are showing their true Covid colours. The economists see green. The politicians see shades of Crayola.

Every evening economists espouse everything economic. They appear on television telling baby boomers that our nest egg that we worked so hard to save for all these years has – to us financial terminology – TANKED!

So, the other night when a leading economist – is there such a things as an entry level economist? – said that he was going to put everything into perspective using clear, concise words, naturally Jan and I perked up.

This is what he said: “Policy makers should rely on a theoretical construct representing economic processes by a set of variables combined with logical quantitative relationships.”

Jan’s eyes glossed over. “Gary, what the hell does that mean?”

I tried to use an analogy Jan would appreciate. “Dear, he said our retirement portfolio has gone to hell in your Coach handbag!” Jan pursed her lips, but I won’t write here what she said to me!

Another leading economist offered his two cents worth suggesting that trickle down economics would reinvigorate the economy. That’s when I squirmed in my Lazy Boy … Read the rest here

Living Retired – ‘THERMOSTAT TOMFOOLERY’

Posted by on May 5, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired: ‘THERMOSTAT TOMFOOLERY’

Even with the social distancing that accompanies Covid Couple Confinement, every day is party central at our place! Welcome to the ‘Chalk Housewarming Party!’

“Gary, it is absolutely freezing in this house! Whatever temperature you set the thermostat is way too low! I’m setting it higher.”

To make her point Jan yanks off her L.L. Bean double-layer deerskin woodsman mitts with 100% merino wool inserts she wears in the house. She rubs her hands across my chin, “Feel how cold my fingers are!”

Before I can say for the umpteenth time that it is already hotter than Hades in the house, Jan is at the thermostat. She’s like a red-headed – well, okay a Clairol Medium Blonde Root Touch-up – woodpecker feeding at the backyard suet feeder. She jabs her finger at the thermostat. Each poke pushes the temperature up another degree.

“Dear I hope you realize that all your thermostat tomfoolery is turning me into one hot man. I want to rip my shirt off and expose my bare chest – even if I do wear relax fit jeans hiked halfway up to my armpits.”

“Believe me Gary, with your body it’ll be a cold … Read the rest here

Living Retired – ‘YUM & YUMMER’

Posted by on May 5, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired: ‘YUM & YUMMER!’  

Covid Couple Confinement has led to an increase in couples cooking together. The time spent researching a perfect menu, finding the appropriate wine to pair with the recipe, and not arguing after dinner about “Why with 500 channels on television there is nothing to watch?” makes for an enjoyable evening.

One downside though, is the repetitive arm injuries brought on by teetering on tiptoes on top a chair flailing a dish towel under the smoke alarm!

“Gary, how much longer does it say to cook that seafood bouillabaisse? My arm is killing me! I can’t take many more nights of this!”

Undeterred, Jan and I soldier on. One thing we have learned is that breaking the recipe down into steps makes things more manageable.

“Gary, I’ll chop the vegetables – because sharp knives are involved.”

“Okay dear, why don’t I look after sweeping the floor under your cutting board. I’ll get the heavy duty industrial-grade shop vac from the garage.”

For a couple months now Jan and I have been making recipes from a cookbook recommended by our friends: ‘Yum & Yummer. Ridiculously Tasty Recipes That’ll Blow Your Mind, But Not Your Diet.’ The author … Read the rest here

Living Retired – ‘CELEBRATING CONFINEMENT’

Posted by on May 5, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

LIVING RETIRED: ‘CELEBRATING CONFINEMENT’

What can I say? Jan and I completely lost it on Wednesday!

It was 12 months to the day that a Covid-19 state of emergency was declared.

It has been a long year of Covid Couple Confinement. Jan has suffered putting up with me – hand sanitizer dripping down my pant legs, bumbling my way through grocery stores smacking the cart into everyone’s ankles because I suffer from a medical condition called ‘Can’t See Squat’ when my face mask fogs my glasses, and being screamed at on Zoom, “Gary you’re on mute. TURN YOUR MIC ON!”

JAN AND I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!

It was time to disobey authority. I screamed, “Alexa, play ‘We’re Not Gonna’ Take It’ by Twisted Sister.”

Just like that our spontaneous 1st anniversary Covid Couple Confinement Celebration began – like a flash mob at the mall food court, but in our kitchen.

Before I could change into compression socks, Jan dashed downstairs – two steps at a time to get our Dollar Store party hats. That is when she hurt her back. Yikes! I ran to the bathroom cabinet for her Voltaren Extra Strength, and a tensor wrap for my … Read the rest here

Living Retired – ‘NO PHO FOR ME!’

Posted by on May 5, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired: ‘NO PHO FOR ME’

The one constant throughout our year of Covid Couple Confinement is change.

We have changed to working from home, wearing face masks when we leave the house, and identifying our friends from each other on Zoom by using the nostril recognition technique!

One thing I have changed are my pants – at least twice a day because of big blotches of liquid hand sanitizer dripping down the pant legs!

A change Jan and I have made is our grocery shopping routine. Here is what I mean…

Back in the pre-Covid days – when couples hadn’t reached the breaking point from spending so damn much time together! – when you opened the kitchen cupboard for Rice Krispies a box was always there. When you needed more Rice Krispies someone added it to the grocery list. It was easy-peezy.

But since Covid-19, Jan and I tag team our weekly grocery shopping – which means what Jan does is right; and what I do is often a disaster…

“Gary I put avocadoes on the grocery list, but why did you buy enough to make guacamole for the entire 2,000 Chipotle Mexican Grill restaurants? What on earth were … Read the rest here