Posted by Gary Chalk on Jun 5, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Mulch Man’
By Gary Chalk.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
“Hi Dear, I am at the garden centre to buy the mulch you want. They have pine mulch, pine needles, shredded bark, bags of oyster shells, cocoa hulls, and bags of rubber mulch pellets. You can even get organic mulch.”
“Gary, we want cedar mulch.”
“Well in that case, I can buy red, sierra red, deep forest, or natural cedar mulch.”
“Gary, we need black cedar mulch.”
“Oh, here it is. Would you like Classic Black cedar mulch or Black Beauty cedar mulch? They both look the same to me.”
Jan decided on Black Beauty cedar mulch — that was easy. The hard part was slugging a bazillion bags of mulch into my Jeep. It is hot. I am sweating like the Democrats when Trump won the election! Finally, with enough bags to sandbag the Hoover Dam if it ever overflowed, I begin the drive home which was, well, harrowing…
My Jeep looks like a NASA surface-to-air missile launch system from the Gulf War. The payload of garden mulch is so heavy the front of the Jeep points up on a forty-five degree angle towards the sky; and … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on May 29, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Spitting, Scratching, & Slopping’
By Gary Chalk.
“There, he did again Gary! The batter is standing at home plate in a baseball stadium packed with 40,000 spectators. Millions more are watching on national television. And what does he do? He spits!”
“Jan, it’s baseball. It’s part of Americana.”
The Blue Jays are playing the New York Yankees. Jan and I are part of the millions watching on television. It’s good that our beer doesn’t cost $20. On the other hand, we see close-ups of the players spitting.
As Aaron Judge comes up, the television camera catches the catcher lifting his mask to spit.
“Gary, that is so gross. I wonder what his wife makes of it?”
“I don’t think she cares, Jan. He gets paid lots of money to do it.”
“What, he gets paid to spit?”
Jan suggested, “Well Gary, if that’s the case, the pitcher should throw him a spitball.”
“Jan, you aren’t allowed to throw a spitball. You can spit. You just can’t throw a spitball.”
Judge smacked a long fly ball that is caught in the outfield. The next batter up steps to the plate.
“Gary, now did you see that? Look … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on May 23, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Tipping the Scales’
By Gary Chalk
“Jan, you go first.”
“Gary, I went first last week.”
“No, I insist. Women first.”
“Okay Gary, but not until you leave the room.”
It is Friday morning, the day each week Jan and I officially get weighed for the diet challenge we are participating in. The diet challenge is like golf — it is based on the honour system; but unlike golfers’ dieters don’t drink afterwards. And like golf we have some money on the line: everyone puts $20 in the pot — okay bad choice of words when I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. At the end of June, the three people who have lost the most weight split the winnings. Then they celebrate with chicken wings and beer and enrol in the next challenge.
When we signed up Jan and I agreed to reduce what Jan calls ‘needless calories.’
“Gary, no more beer.”
“Jan, I signed up to lose weight not become Amish. What’s next, replace my Jeep with a horse and buggy.”
Like any plan, we quickly corrected our diet plan. On Day 2 we addressed the outright ban on drinking.
“Jan, I know we … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on May 15, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Tupperware Fits to A ‘T’
By Gary Chalk.
Times are tough for Tupperware. The manufacturer of the iconic plastic storage containers may soon burp its last lid.
According to media reports Tupperware is contending with a major debt load and sales have slowed. All this has left consumers my age with what medical experts have coined ‘FSSS: Food Storage Sadness Syndrome.’
When I was a kid, Tupperware home parties were all the rage. Housewives would gather in a neighbour’s living room with its wall-to-wall broadloom. The host would excitedly demonstrate the Tupperware Wonder Bowl with its ‘burp seal’ that locked in freshness. To encourage sales everyone snacked on itty-bitty sandwiches made on green and red bread. One night my mother rushed home after winning the hostess gift: a Tupperware plastic grapefruit cutting knife.
This Tupperware trend has ticked off Jan.
“Gary, at least we still have an entire kitchen cabinet filled with Tupperware.” With that, Jan swung open the cupboard door. What followed scared the bejeebers out of us!
A plethora of plastic cascaded down bouncing off the countertop, sliding across the kitchen floor! I was buried in Tupperware food storage containers of every shape and size … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on May 8, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Krazy Glue: The Glue That Binds Us’
By Gary Chalk.
Living Retired readers know that I am not a home handyman type of guy. My first go-to tool of choice is my hammer which really irks Jan.
“Gary, I am surprised you haven’t used your hammer to replace the pot lights overtop the island in the kitchen.”
“Jan, I did try it, once. I learned my lesson though — not to wear flip flops next time.”
So last week when a thin strip of metal began to peel from the front of our microwave oven, I immediately went for my second go-to tool of choice: Krazy Glue.
This may be something Yogi Berra would have said but Krazy Glue “only works when it works. “This what I mean…
Every time I fumble through the drawer searching for my Krazy Glue, I find the tube has shrivelled up like a dead lizard in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
Jan was quick to say, “Gary, just make a quick trip over to Home Depot or Lowe’s.”
That’s easy for Jan to say. I have difficulty choosing between Home Depot and Lowe’s. Home Depot advertises ‘How Doers Get More … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Apr 30, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Pipe Dream’
By Gary Chalk
Researchers have discovered that we dream for approximately 2 hours every night. And the typical dream lasts twenty minutes — which is the maximum time guys my age can go before we have to get up to pee again.
The other morning at breakfast I asked Jan about her dreams. “Gary, I have been dreaming for a couple years about replacing the backsplash tile in the kitchen, but I can’t convince you.”
“Jan, that is not a dream, that is a pipe dream! I am talking about dreaming when you’re sleeping?” This was a perfect setup for Jan, “Gary, how would I know if I dream when I am asleep?”
I cannot ever recall dreaming. So, when I had this dream a few nights ago I had to tell Jan.
I was attending the Stanley Cup hockey playoff game in Toronto with the Leafs against Tampa Bay. In the third period the Leafs goaltender was injured. For some reason they did not have a backup on the bench to come into the game. The public address announcer said, “Would the standby backup goalie in the arena please report to the Leafs dressing … Read the rest here
