Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Most recent articles

Living Retired — ‘I Did It Thigh Way’

Posted by on Aug 8, 2022 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘I Did It Thigh Way’

By Gary Chalk.

I remember a Christmas gift I gave Jan many years ago just like it was yesterday…

When Jan unwrapped the box she said, “Gary, you bought me one of those thigh masters that Suzanne Somers promotes.” But then she quickly added, “So while I exercise and get in shape what will you be doing to increase your heart rate?”

“That’s easy dear, I’ll look at the photograph on the box of Suzanne Somers.”

You remember the thigh master: it was the darling of television infomercials back in the 1990’s. It consisted of a couple of pieces of metal bent in a loop with a hinge. The commercials showed beautiful people squeezing the thigh master between their legs while they watched television. These people looked great. They were everyday people like Pamela Anderson on Baywatch.

The thigh master has been around all these years — mostly in bedrooms kicked underneath the bed. That is where I found ours recently. We were getting the house in order before the cleaning lady came the following morning.

“Jan I’ll clean up the bedroom. You go through the rest of the main floor. … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Please Say A Command’

Posted by on Aug 2, 2022 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Please Say A Command’

By Gary Chalk

Jan and I are, well lets just say, slow to adapt to changing technology. Here is what I mean…

We have his and hers iPhones, but we still keep our reliable old-fashioned landline phone: we have one extension in the kitchen, another in Jan’s office, and one sits on my office desk. When our granddaughters come to our museum they make a big deal about the kitchen counter clunker. When I explain it is a telephone they laugh. Then they pick it up and try to take a video to post on TikTok.

Another technology we are trying to master is the onboard navigation system we have in both our vehicles — specifically the electronic road map feature. The problem with an electronic road map is — IT’S ELECTRONIC! Give me a torn, crumpled road map from the auto club with coffee stains and jelly donut smudges that you can’t fold up.

Jan is always game to try to new things so earlier this summer when we drove to our friends lakeside cottage she said, “Gary, let’s use your Jeeps electronic navigation system.” I clenched my teeth, gripped the steering … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Date Night’

Posted by on Jul 25, 2022 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Date Night’

By Gary Chalk

During Covid-19 Jan I have not gone out to see a movie in what seems forever. I’m thinking our last movie was — my memory is spotty — ‘1001 Dalmatian’s.’ Like I say it’s been a dogs age since we’ve gone to the movies.

A couple of weeks ago Jan insisted that we see Top Gun at a theatre. If she had her way she would go out to watch movies every chance she gets. Jan enjoys the big screen, the rich Dolby surround sound, but most of all, preferably me not sitting in the seat beside her.

“Gary I always feel like I am dragging you along when we go to a movie.”

“Dear, there is something disturbing about buying a bag of popcorn that comes in at the price of a barrel of OPEC crude oil. You even have to pay extra for them to smother some melted oil called butter overtop.”

Jan doesn’t like it when I sit back in those big seats and fall asleep — during the previews! “Wake up Gary! You’re dozing off and the main feature hasn’t even started!”

“But Jan we’ve been watching a … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Post-Pandemic Travel Disruptors’

Posted by on Jul 18, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Post-Pandemic Travel Disruptors’

By Gary Chalk.

Have you joined the latest travel craze that is sweeping across the nation?

After two years of being screamed at on Zoom “YOU ARE ON MUTE!” baby boomers are re-emerging. We are leaving half-assembled jigsaw puzzles and homemade burnt sourdough bread behind and starting to travel — well, sort of. Here is what is actually happening…

You have likely heard about the ‘Covid-19 Science Advisory Table’ composed of expert physicians who advise the politicians who form policies. The ‘Covid-19 Science Advisory Table’ make recommendations about vaccination choices, masking, and school closings.

However, I’m sure there must also be a ‘Covid-19 Travel Advisory Table’ that advises politicians when people can begin to travel again.

Recently, the ‘Covid-19 Travel Advisory Table’ eased the travel restrictions. Hurray!!! Everybody went bonkers booking Caribbean cruises, train trips through the Rocky Mountains, and walking tours of Italy’s Amalfi coast. We busted our backs hauling soft-sided luggage up from the basement.

BUT, before you could say ‘Your ship has sailed’ the experts at the ‘Covid-19 Travel Advisory Table’ changed their mind — this time telling us we cannot travel! Everybody went ballistic, immediately cancelling all their reservations … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘The Eyes Have It’

Posted by on Jul 11, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Eyes Have It’

By Gary Chalk.

Do you frequently lose your keys? How much time do you waste searching for your iPhone? How often do your glasses go missing? Do you lose your wallet? I misplace all these things. Before breakfast!

Often I can’t find my Jeep in the mall parking lot so I tap the panic button on my key fob. Then I traipse around the parking lot trying to distinguish my horn from all the other horns that are blasting away, although if you can put up with all the racket it’s a great way to meet others without the hassle of posting a fake profile on an online dating site.

But what I lose most of all is my temper.

“Jan, I can’t find my glasses again. Have you seen them?”

“Gary, try looking where you last had them?

“I cannot see where I last had my glasses because I need them to find where I left them! Don’t you see what I mean!”

After my cataract surgery a year ago, I stocked up with multiple pairs of glasses. I have my inexpensive — okay cheap! — ‘everyday glasses’ that I selected. … Read the rest here

Living Retired –‘Tooth Be Told’

Posted by on Jul 4, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Tooth Be Told’

By Gary Chalk.

 

As I left the house last Monday morning to go to the dentist for a dental implant, Jan said, “Good luck Gary. You had an implant many years ago so you know the drill.” Gee thanks!

 

In the procedure room I stretched back in the plush reclining leather lounge. A dental assistant tucked a bib around my neck and had me sign a waiver. That is when it happened…

 

It seems my signature was music to their ears. And mine! Suddenly the room came alive with piped-in music: ‘Kokomo’ by the Beach Boys. “Aruba, Jamaica, oooh I want to take you. Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama.” Another assistant danced towards me and slipped a pair of dark sunglasses over my eyes. The party was underway — until I glanced down at my feet and realized I was wearing memory-foam, relax-fit Skechers. There was nothing in the pre-visit instructions about wearing my flip flops!

 

One of the dental assistants began to tilt the lounge back, back, back very slowly. Down, down, down. When my head felt like it was maybe a foot from the floor and my … Read the rest here