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Living Retired — ‘This Doesn’t Make Sense’

Posted by on Apr 21, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘This Doesn’t Make Sense!’

By Gary Chalk.

I learned something about myself last week: I am a clean linen guy. Oh, I am not talking about our bed sheets. I am referring to Glade Clean Linen Room Deodorizer. Here is what led to my newfound sense of smell…

Tuesday, Jan was at her morning fitness class, so I made egg salad sandwiches for lunch. When I finished, the kitchen stunk like, well, our family room many years ago after the kids left Tyler’s kindergarten birthday party. Peugh!

How to get rid of the egg smell in our kitchen? I had a choice: I could light a fragrance candle — ‘Tropical Fruit Medley’ or spray ‘Clean Linen’ room deodorizer. I chose the ‘Clean Linen’ spray.

As soon as Jan walked in the house she asked, “Gary, did you add too much Downy Fabric Softener to the wash? It smells like clean linen throughout the house.”

“No dear. The kitchen smelled like the egg salad sandwich I made you, so I sprayed Clean Linen room deodorizer. The other choice was to light a ‘Tropical Fruit Medley’ candle.”

The next morning, I burned our breakfast bagels. I reached … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Wasn’t That A Party’

Posted by on Apr 15, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Wasn’t That A Party!’

By Gary Chalk.

I must tip my dorky solar eclipse viewing glasses to the astronomers — those fun-loving, party animals sure know how to toss a party! Think about it…

They convinced the teachers to send the kids home from school three hours before the three-minute solar eclipse! They also scared the bejeebers out of Niagara Falls officials who didn’t know what the eclipse may do to Barbara Walter’s wax figurine, so they declared a state of emergency a whopping two weeks before the eclipse! What’s more, those merrymaking astronomers even coerced us to use the word ‘totality’ in all our conversations — which totality blew me away!

So, it is time to toss our wonky eclipse viewing glasses where the sun doesn’t shine.

But wait…

May is approaching and other professionals, envious of those party-going astronomers making Pi Day jokes — ‘What do you get when you cut a jack-o’-lantern by half its diameter? Pumpkin Pi’ — want in on the fun.

The shoe manufacturers are first out of the box. You won’t believe what the shoe crew have up their sleeves — get ready for it! — ‘National Two Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘A Trip Down Memory Lane’

Posted by on Apr 7, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘A Trip Down Memory Lane’

By Gary Chalk.

Recently, an expert ‘Clothes Closet Organizer’ came to our home to update our primary bedroom walk-in closet. (NOTE: In a previous column I said it was our master bedroom walk-in closet, but a reader corrected me. Dave laughed, saying, “Gary, these days it’s not referred to as the master bedroom. It is the primary bedroom; you have to be politically correct.” My first thought was to tell Dave he was tone deaf, but Jan said that is also politically incorrect.)

The point is we now have a walk-in closet like you see in those home decorating magazines. But half of it didn’t last long. This is what happened…

Jan’s half of the closet looked great as soon as she carefully arranged her clothes on hangers and put her shoes on the new shelves. But, when I jammed all my stuff in my half of the closet it looked like, well, my side of the closet before we hired the ‘Clothes Closet Organizer!’ The ‘After Picture’ looked similarly close to the ‘Before Picture.’ (If clothes make the man, they don’t make the closet. Just saying…)

One benefit of our closet … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Hear Ye, Hear ye’

Posted by on Apr 7, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Hear Ye, Hear Ye.’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I have been updating our travel medical insurance. As we compared the ins and outs of the benefits of two different providers health plans it got to the point where I became, well, sick of it. I interpreted one company’s policy benefits one way, but Jan saw it differently. After some back and forth examining things, it turns out Jan was correct. Go figure.

Jan couldn’t resist, “You see Gary, I am a very good problem solver.”

“And Jan, I am very good problem maker, so that means we make a great couple.” It made sense to me. Jan sighed.

We are in good health. However, if you listen to Jan she will tell you I am having difficulty hearing her. That’s the first I’ve heard about it.

Speaking of hearing, we were out for dinner with our friends Rick and Judy and it turns out Judy has been urging Rick for a while now to call for an appointment to have his hearing aids checked. Rick said, “When I called, the receptionist confirmed my name and then asked my age, saying, “What year?” I said my … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Hockey Nights In Canada’

Posted by on Mar 25, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Hockey Nights In Canada’

By Gary Chalk.

Spring arrived last week. Then it snowed. Welcome to Sprwinter.

Jan does not look forward to Spring mostly because she knows the National Hockey League is inching ahead at glacial speed towards — get ready for it! — two entire months of playoff hockey on television night after night, after night!

“Gary, the hockey season began almost seven months ago in September. Why does it take this long to finally get around to start the playoffs?”

“Well Dear there are 32 teams. And each team has to play 82 regular season games. Then they decide which teams get into the playoffs.”

Jan looked puzzled. “Gary, you’re telling me that 32 teams each play 82 games before the league figures out which teams advance to the playoffs? Even the Toronto Maple Leafs?”

I didn’t have an answer.

“Gary, of the 32 teams in the NHL, how many get into the playoffs?”

“Dear, 16 teams make it to the first round of the playoffs.”

Jan sighed. “After that many games, HALF the teams qualify for the playoffs! Why is that?”

“Jan, the National Hockey League is a business. It is about making … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Clothes Call’

Posted by on Mar 17, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Clothes Call’

By Gary Chalk.

The idiom ‘clothes make the man’ is a reminder that the way we dress can influence how others perceive us. Case in point…

Recently, Jan and I — okay Jan — oversaw a closet makeover of our master bedroom walk-in closet. When the time came to install the new cabinets, we needed to set up a temporary closet.

“Gary, let’s make it easy and use the dining room as our closet.”

“Jan, that’s a really good idea. When I slop chicken cacciatore down my shirt I can change without getting up from the dining room table.”

Jan was first up. She placed her blouses and sweaters on top of the dining room table. Her slacks were folded on the china cabinet. The belts, hats, shawls, leggings, scarves, and her Sympli and Lululemon collections were folded into an old IKEA bookshelf we brought up from the basement. Her jackets were hung over the back of the dining room chairs. She tucked her shoes up against the wall.

Me? I decided to replicate the bedroom walk-in closet. I picked up as many of my clothes that I could carry in my arms at a … Read the rest here