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Living Retired — ‘A Fly on The Wall’

Posted by on Jan 29, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘A Fly on The Wall’

By Gary Chalk.

If you had been living at our house the past while you would have realized it is a zoo around our place.

It all began last fall. I cannot recall what brought it on, but Jan smiled and said — these are her exact words — “Gary, you’re becoming an old dog.”

“Well, Dear at least I am not lapping water from the toilet bowl.”

“Yes Gary but how many times do I have to remind you to close the toilet bowl lid?”

Being called an old dog stung. I had always heard dogs age faster then humans, so later that day I checked out the American Veterinarian Association website. By their calculation, in dog years I am 370 years old! Doggone it, that was ruff to hear. Any day Jan may think it is time and take to a veterinarian to… OMG!

Putting up our outdoor Christmas decorations on the front lawn in December one of the deer’s legs ended up hanging from its nose. That is when Jan pulled into our driveway, got out of her car and said, “Gary, what’s with the deformed deer? We cannot … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Sneaking Snacks’

Posted by on Jan 23, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Shreddies, Uncategorized |

Living Retired — ‘Sneaking Snacks.’

By Gary Chalk.

Shhh…

It is about 9 o’clock in the evening. I am writing this weeks Living Retired column downstairs in my office. The lights are turned off. I can see only because of the light coming from my computer screen. I don’t want Jan to find me because I am snacking. Quietly, I slowly ripped open a package of Oreo cookies, double stuffed, chocolate. If I am lucky this should be just about enough for me to finish the column.

Jan is upstairs in her office. She is on ancestry.com researching her family roots. She ignored my suggestion that she specifically look for rich relatives because we are planning a vacation to Ireland and need a place to stay. The point is, Jan is snacking. She has a little bowl filled with Honey Shreddies — her snack of choice. The door to her office is closed.

How do I know Jan is sneaking Shreddies? When I walked past her office the evidence was in plain view on the floor: a SHREDDIE! (In hindsight I should have preserved this evidence and marked the scene with ‘Police Do Not Cross’ tape.)

Jan and I often … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

Posted by on Jan 16, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Scams, Scams |

Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’

By Gary Chalk

The text message on my iPhone read, ‘Canada Post: We were unable to deliver your parcel due to no answer at the door and no safe drop-off location. Text ‘Y’ to reschedule your delivery.’

Right away I thought someone was phishing for information because Jan would not include my text number for an item she ordered online.

“Jan, are we expecting a parcel from Canada Post? I think someone is phishing.”

“Sorry Gary I am in my office and I can’t hear you very well. All I heard was something about you going fishing with Canada Post?”

“Jan, what are you talking about me going fishing with Canada Post? What would be the lure of me fishing with the feds?”

Jan stomped from her office down to mine. “Gary, if we need to talk, we need to be in person, face to face. I am very busy working and don’t want to be interrupted, but everyone knows I always respond right away on Facebook, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter. Alternatively, you can send me an email or a text message.”

“Dear, this conversation began with a text … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Reading Room’

Posted by on Jan 9, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Reading, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Reading Room’

By Gary Chalk.

It has to be at least a week ago. Jan and I were reading in bed one evening when she closed her book and said, “Gary, do you want to invite some friends over and entertain in the downstairs family room? I have changed the furniture around and it is now a reading room.”

“Jan, just so I have this right. You are telling me we would invite friends to come for an evening and sit around reading? That hardly sounds like an invitation list people would give their eye teeth to be on — maybe their library card.”

Jan laughed, saying, “Everybody could do a book report when they left.”

“Jan, I will leave it to you to invite Susan and Lewis, but instead of bringing a bottle of Robert Mondavi wine, they should come with David Baldacci’s latest novel.”

Perhaps I am reading between the lines, but I imagined the telephone call in my mind…

“Hi Susan. It’s Jan. Gary and I thought it would be fun to have you and Lewis come over on Saturday evening to read a book. What do you think?”

“Gee Jan, Lewis and I … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘One Step Forward, One Step Back’

Posted by on Jan 2, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired – ‘One Step Forward, One Step Back’

By Gary Chalk

Frequently Jan uses the word ‘step.’ If we are going shopping and she is waiting in the car for me, she is likely to say, “Gary, step on it!”

When I pull our car into the parking lot of one of those mammoth shopping outlet centres when Jan gets out of the car she will say, “Gary, I have some serious shopping to do. Step out of my way!”

When we dance it is, “Gary you’re stepping on my toes again.”

So yesterday when I mentioned that I was going to begin to use the step counter app on my iPhone I expected Jan to say something like “That will be a step in the right direction, Gary.” Or, “Begin with baby steps.” Instead, she said, “Gary, step aside. Can’t you see I am busy doing Wordle.”

“Jan, I thought you’d be interested in my fitness?”

“Gary, I need a five-letter word that ends with ‘s.’”

The first word that came to my mind was ‘steps’ — but because Jan uses step so often, I assumed she had thought of it. I thought I would pull her leg, … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

Posted by on Dec 26, 2022 in Christmas humor, Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Tis The Morning After Christmas’

By Gary Chalk

‘Tis the morning after Christmas,

And all through our house,

Not a creature is stirring,

Not even my spouse.

 

Jan’s Christmas attire is heaped by our bed,

She’s dreaming the turkey gravy stains are only in her head.

 

It’s 11 in the morning and we’re still flat on our back,

Christmas rum and eggnog has us feeling out of whack!

 

Jan has a heating pad wrapped ‘round her head,

While I awake clinging to my side of the bed;

My nasal strip has slipped down onto my chin,

Jan will complain about my snoring — I cannot win!

 

I have visions of our post-Christmas Day mess dancing in my head,

While Jan is dreaming of Pottery Barn candles in cherry blossom red.

 

When from the front lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!

WHACK! I tripped on the dozen decorator pillows scattered on the floor.

And Jan still wants to buy more!

 

Away to our front door I flew in a flash!

Dashing through the foyer I slipped on Christmas wrap,

And when … Read the rest here