Posted by Gary Chalk on Aug 10, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Mastering Doing Nothing.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Health experts have long suggested that Living Retired may lead to a sedentary lifestyle. They recommend we keep active socially, mentally, and physically. This is why many retirees socialize playing cards with their friends, read to keep their brain active, and play pickleball so they can gripe about the emergency room wait times.
But now we are being told the opposite. Autumn Grant, a mindfulness teacher in Halifax, stresses the importance of creating space for unstructured moments. Her thinking is backed by Dr. Divi an intuitive coach in Vancouver who suggests we pump the brakes. Essentially, they say we need to master the art of doing nothing.
Doing nothing was what my Living Retired ears have been waiting to hear ever since Covid when Jan and I decided to spend more time together cooking. All we accomplished was gaining weight eating homemade sourdough bread and tearing my rotator cuff waving the dish towel underneath the smoke alarm. Last week I began my mission to teach myself to do nothing. It got off to a rocky start…
At breakfast Jan said, “Gary, can you fix the dining room
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Aug 3, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘The Dishwasher Rack-It’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Living Retired couples concur that a successful marriage is based on lasting love, true trust, and agreeing how to load the dishwasher.
“Jan. You did it again. You placed the knives and forks upside down. They’ll never come out clean.”
“And Gary how many times have I told you not to put the dirty Tupperware containers in the top rack? They end up upside down filled with water, when I take them out the water splashes all over the dry dishes on the lower rack.”
Jan and I also can’t get our heads wrapped around pre-rinsing dirty dishes before we load them into the dishwasher. What I do know is our dishwasher begins with sparkling clean dishes! And still the silverware comes out with spots. How can that be?
Kitchen dishwashers became popularized on Leaver It To Beaver when Ward got a loan from Mr. Rutherford at the bank for a dishwasher for June. Otherwise, June would be too busy doing the dishes in the sink to change into her fancy dress and pearl necklace to serve Ward, Wally, and Beaver dinner every night. And you never
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 27, 2026 in Explosive Diarrhea, Humor, humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |
Living Retired — ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk
Dietitians have long promoted the nutritional value of eating green leafy vegetables, including lettuce. Well! I wonder what these sliced celery stick-eaters are saying these days? The lettuce bowl has become, well, the toilet bowl. All because PhD-educated food scientists officially named a parasitic illness ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.’ This has led to a huge, well, outpouring across the USA.
They could have named it Volatile Looseness, even Unstable Intestines. But no, they went all out — so to speak — and named it EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! The culprit is contaminated lettuce, which when consumed causes cyclosporiasis, which causes the Human Elimination System (HES) to have a Sudden System Malfunction (SSM). The result is !#&%! By this time, it is waayyy too late.
This has made for interesting conversation at the dinner table…
“Jan, just to be safe I will take a pass on the lettuce salad this evening. I don’t want to embarrass you with EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.”
Jan put her fork down, wiped her lips with a napkin, and said, “Thanks a lot Gary. Suddenly I am not hungry anymore.”
“Well, next time would you like me to call it
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘I Have Seen The Light!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
I never, NEVER, NEVER thought the day would come that I would say I enjoy soccer. However, after thirty days of The World Cup I managed to emerge from underneath crumpled Bud Lite empties and crushed Dorito bags and screamed, “GLORY BE TO FIFA!”
Yes FIFA — Fake Injury Football Actors — won me over. So much so that I started playing indoor soccer — in our living room. This is how it went…
First off, to be a soccer player you need to have tattoos all over your body. I went on Amazon and scrolled through pages and pages of temporary tattoos, eventually settling on the Marine Collection that feature glow in the dark, waterproof tattoos of turtles and colourful fish. I pressed COMPLETE ORDER, then went to the front door and picked up my package of temporary tattoos. Just like that I was ready to begin playing soccer.
Day One. The first day was Player Introductions. I put on a pair of easy-stretch waist shorts with suspenders and my Skechers Slip-Ons; it wasn’t pretty. The players walk onto the pitch holding hands … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘I Have Seen The Light!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
I never, NEVER, NEVER thought the day would come that I would say I enjoy soccer. However, after thirty days of The World Cup I managed to emerge from underneath crumpled Bud Lite empties and crushed Dorito bags and screamed, “GLORY BE TO FIFA!”
Yes FIFA — Fake Injury Football Actors — won me over. So much so that I started playing indoor soccer — in our living room. This is how it went…
First off, to be a soccer player you need to have tattoos all over your body. I went on Amazon and scrolled through pages and pages of temporary tattoos, eventually settling on the Marine Collection that feature glow in the dark, waterproof tattoos of turtles and colourful fish. I pressed COMPLETE ORDER, then went to the front door and picked up my package of temporary tattoos. Just like that I was ready to begin playing soccer.
Day One. The first day was Player Introductions. I put on a pair of easy-stretch waist shorts with suspenders and my Skechers Slip-Ons; it wasn’t pretty. The players walk onto the pitch holding hands … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Missing Mike’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
My wife Jan often reminds me, “Gary, read your audience.” She’s right.
Sometimes funny has to wait. This is one of those times. Here is why…
Many readers (in the hundreds) of Living Retired signed up to receive my column after hearing me on The Mike Farwell Show on 570NewsRadio in Kitchener. Each week Mike encouraged listeners to sign up and “Get some chuckles in your inbox among the memos from the boss”. He also referred listeners to my website to check about bringing “Gary’s unique humorous perspective to your club meeting, corporate event, or retirement party.” These events, more are already booked, gave me the opportunity to meet Mikes listeners.
On the show Mike often referred to me coming from the ‘Living Retired World Headquarters’ over near Brantford. I would chime in talking about the Living Retired Interns. Listeners fell for it knowing full well we were exaggerating, make that fibbing. The ‘Living Retired World Headquarters’ is me sitting in my home office, talking over an ancient landline believing the quality is better for live radio. And reminding Jan to remain quiet — often while her hairdresser … Read the rest here
