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Living Retired: ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

Posted by on Sep 27, 2021 in Retirement Humour | 0 comments

Living Retired — ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

My iPhone suddenly ringing jarred me from my sleepy stupor.

“Gary you said you were going out to pick up a few groceries. That was more than an hour ago. What is taking you so much time?”

“Jan, I have been standing in the grocery store checkout lane so long that I fell asleep standing up. Maybe I should consider an encore career as a customer service representative at the license bureau.”

How long have I been waiting? Well, the cello package of organic, triple-washed baby spinach in my grocery cart is now entering precocious puberty — listen closely and you can hear the little leaves pleading to get their very own cellphone, “Just like all the other baby spinach leaves have!”

A customer further back in the line complains, “What is the hold-up?”

I will tell you what the holdup is: the woman in front of me is buying enough groceries to feed the Duggar clan of kids!

Then, just as the cashier tucked loaves of bread next to a package of Tide Pods in the grocery bag — go figure! — it happened. The woman said those 7 dreaded words that cause … Read the rest here

Living Retired: ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC’

Posted by on Sep 20, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC.’    

Living in a ‘smart home’ is all the rage these days…

A high-tech smart thermostat will warm up your home before you even walk in the door. In the kitchen a smart refrigerator will tell you when you need to toss out fresh fish gone bad before your refrigerator stinks like your grandsons hockey equipment bag. And you can even have a smart home security system that allows you to watch porch pirates steal your Amazon parcels right before your eyes!

This is all well and good BUT Jan and I – okay, mostly me! – are not smart enough to live in a smart home. There I said it.

The only smart devices we have in our home are two smart phones, two smart television remotes, and a collection of other so-called ‘smart thing-a-ma-jigs’ that we keep in a cupboard drawer beside our ‘non-smart things’ like sticky felt floor protectors that I stick on the legs of our kitchen chairs.

Our smart television remotes are considered ‘smart’ because they are voice-activated: holding the remote you mention the name of the program you want to watch and PRESTO! the show … Read the rest here

Living Retired: ‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’

Posted by on Sep 12, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired:

‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’

You know I do not make this stuff up, right? Just saying…

My cataract surgery a week ago was, well, eye opening! The hospital-supplied drugs were lights out. Poor word choice but you know what I mean.

The following afternoon the ophthalmologist called. “Gary, the procedure went well.” He explained the ‘fogginess’ in my eye would clear up in a week. He spoke using OHIP fee-approved terminology — medical words not clear to my eyes, err, ears.

The past week has been a strict regime applying various drops in the eye every hour.

“Jan, my eye is foggy so I cannot see where to drip the drops. Can you drip my drops for me?”

“Gary, I will help but do I drip your drops, or should I drop your drips?”

“Jan, I don’t care whether you drop my drips or drip my drops — just make sure you don’t drop the ball! This is important.”

During recovery I am not allowed to kneel, bend over, or lift objects heavier than 5 pounds. So, Jan assumed the laundry detail, carried the groceries in from the car, and bent over … Read the rest here

Living Retire — ‘Death By Coleslaw’

Posted by on Sep 8, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘DEATH BY COLESLAW’

Throughout August in our household, I — make that my intestines! — endured a 31 day summer salad saga!

It was ‘All Salads, All The Time.’ We ate Caesar salad, Greek salad, Cobb salad, Italian Caprese salad, Asian noodle salad, and Mexican bean salad.

But, like Ron Popeil who invented the Chop-O-Matic hand food processor that chopped our onions to perfection said, “Wait there is more…”

We also ate fresh spinach salad, Waldorf salad, coleslaw, and cabbage salad with sesame soy and ginger vinaigrette.

We had side salads, main dish salads, and fruit salad for dessert.

We crunched on iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, and green and red leaf lettuce. We chomped on radishes, carrots, cauliflower, and green, red, and orange peppers. We savoured sliced heirloom tomatoes and diced plum tomatoes. We had shredded red and green cabbage. We even ate fennel that tasted like black liquorice All-sorts!

ENOUGH ALL READY!

“Gary, all this roughage is great for your gut!”

“But Jan do you realize how much we are spending on Beano? It is costing us a stinking fortune!”

“Gary, that is because you have single-handedly surpassed China as the worlds highest producer of gas … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘I’LL BE DAMNED!’

Posted by on Aug 29, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘I’LL BEE DAMNED!’

You would not describe the Chalk household last Wednesday as the bees knees.

The day was wicked hot – a heat advisory, plus record humidity – not the best day to replace the compressor on our central air conditioning system. What could possibly go wrong shutting off our air conditioning on the HOTTEST FRIGGIN’ DAY OF THE SUMMER!

“Don’t worry Jan, the installers are coming first thing this morning. The air conditioner will be off for perhaps 2 hours, tops. It will be a piece of cake – just not a frozen Baked Alaska cake!”

Within minutes of the crew arriving they said, “Mr. Chalk we have turned the air conditioning system off.” Within minutes of the air conditioner being turned off Jan said, “Gary, I am really hot.”

“Well, you are hot dear! You know what I mean. The air conditioning will be back on soon.”

No sooner than I reassured Jan everything was easy-peazy, one of the crew came running waving his arms frantically!

“Mr. Chalk we lifted a basement ceiling tile near the wall to hook into the compressor outside. Above the rafter we discovered you have a wasp nest — … Read the rest here

Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’

Posted by on Aug 23, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’

From the kitchen it sounded like there was a woodpecker drumming away in Jan’s office. Tap! Tap! Tap!

Was I hearing things? It happened again. And again. Tap! Tap! Tap!

“Jan, what is that sound in your office? What are you doing?”

Tap! Tap! Tap! She did not hear me. Soon I was standing at the door to her office. I saw Jan furiously shaking her keyboard up and down, smacking it with her hands!

“Jan! What on earth are you doing to your keyboard?”

“Gary, I am writing an important document and every time I touch the backspace arrow button to move the curser one space back, it goes absolutely nuts and keeps going. It is stuck and won’t stop until it deletes everything I have typed!”

“Jan, you need to settle down. It is only a silly little ‘BACKSPACE’ button on your keyboard. The next thing you know you will begin to ‘CURSE.’ You need to get your keyboard under ‘CONTROL’”

Watching Jan shake the bejeebers out of her computer keyboard I saw something else: tiny food crumbs began to mound up at her feet.

“Jan, I know we all like to snack when … Read the rest here