‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’
You know I do not make this stuff up, right? Just saying…
My cataract surgery a week ago was, well, eye opening! The hospital-supplied drugs were lights out. Poor word choice but you know what I mean.
The following afternoon the ophthalmologist called. “Gary, the procedure went well.” He explained the ‘fogginess’ in my eye would clear up in a week. He spoke using OHIP fee-approved terminology — medical words not clear to my eyes, err, ears.
The past week has been a strict regime applying various drops in the eye every hour.
“Jan, my eye is foggy so I cannot see where to drip the drops. Can you drip my drops for me?”
“Gary, I will help but do I drip your drops, or should I drop your drips?”
“Jan, I don’t care whether you drop my drips or drip my drops — just make sure you don’t drop the ball! This is important.”
During recovery I am not allowed to kneel, bend over, or lift objects heavier than 5 pounds. So, Jan assumed the laundry detail, carried the groceries in from the car, and bent over … Read the rest here
Living Retired — ‘DEATH BY COLESLAW’
Throughout August in our household, I — make that my intestines! — endured a 31 day summer salad saga!
It was ‘All Salads, All The Time.’ We ate Caesar salad, Greek salad, Cobb salad, Italian Caprese salad, Asian noodle salad, and Mexican bean salad.
But, like Ron Popeil who invented the Chop-O-Matic hand food processor that chopped our onions to perfection said, “Wait there is more…”
We also ate fresh spinach salad, Waldorf salad, coleslaw, and cabbage salad with sesame soy and ginger vinaigrette.
We had side salads, main dish salads, and fruit salad for dessert.
We crunched on iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, and green and red leaf lettuce. We chomped on radishes, carrots, cauliflower, and green, red, and orange peppers. We savoured sliced heirloom tomatoes and diced plum tomatoes. We had shredded red and green cabbage. We even ate fennel that tasted like black liquorice All-sorts!
ENOUGH ALL READY!
“Gary, all this roughage is great for your gut!”
“But Jan do you realize how much we are spending on Beano? It is costing us a stinking fortune!”
“Gary, that is because you have single-handedly surpassed China as the worlds highest producer of gas … Read the rest here
Living Retired – ‘I’LL BEE DAMNED!’
You would not describe the Chalk household last Wednesday as the bees knees.
The day was wicked hot – a heat advisory, plus record humidity – not the best day to replace the compressor on our central air conditioning system. What could possibly go wrong shutting off our air conditioning on the HOTTEST FRIGGIN’ DAY OF THE SUMMER!
“Don’t worry Jan, the installers are coming first thing this morning. The air conditioner will be off for perhaps 2 hours, tops. It will be a piece of cake – just not a frozen Baked Alaska cake!”
Within minutes of the crew arriving they said, “Mr. Chalk we have turned the air conditioning system off.” Within minutes of the air conditioner being turned off Jan said, “Gary, I am really hot.”
“Well, you are hot dear! You know what I mean. The air conditioning will be back on soon.”
No sooner than I reassured Jan everything was easy-peazy, one of the crew came running waving his arms frantically!
“Mr. Chalk we lifted a basement ceiling tile near the wall to hook into the compressor outside. Above the rafter we discovered you have a wasp nest — … Read the rest here
Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’
From the kitchen it sounded like there was a woodpecker drumming away in Jan’s office. Tap! Tap! Tap!
Was I hearing things? It happened again. And again. Tap! Tap! Tap!
“Jan, what is that sound in your office? What are you doing?”
Tap! Tap! Tap! She did not hear me. Soon I was standing at the door to her office. I saw Jan furiously shaking her keyboard up and down, smacking it with her hands!
“Jan! What on earth are you doing to your keyboard?”
“Gary, I am writing an important document and every time I touch the backspace arrow button to move the curser one space back, it goes absolutely nuts and keeps going. It is stuck and won’t stop until it deletes everything I have typed!”
“Jan, you need to settle down. It is only a silly little ‘BACKSPACE’ button on your keyboard. The next thing you know you will begin to ‘CURSE.’ You need to get your keyboard under ‘CONTROL’”
Watching Jan shake the bejeebers out of her computer keyboard I saw something else: tiny food crumbs began to mound up at her feet.
“Jan, I know we all like to snack when … Read the rest here
Living Retired — ‘THE WALKING ROCKING CHAIR’
Early on Saturday morning Jan and I headed out to do some errands. We reached the end of our cul-de-sac and turned left. That is when it happened. I was gobsmacked!
Right there in front of our car walking down the street was an upside down rocking chair! Yes your eyes are reading this right — with our eyes we saw an upside down WALKING ROCKING CHAIR! There appeared to be someone walking underneath the chair, but it was so large that it covered their head right down below their waist. By the skin of our teeth we could see their feet.
“Jan, this guy is off his rocker!”
“Gary, please drive carefully. Today is the annual neighbourhood garage sale and lots of people are out early shopping for bargains.”
“You are right dear. But the way this guy is going about it he will be lucky if he gets home by the seat of his pants!”
By the look of things, this year most homeowners are not participating in the annual neighbourhood garage sale — over a year of Covid Couple Confinement means many have argued enough without having to … Read the rest here
Living Retired: ‘IS IT KRAFT DINNER? OR IS IT ME?’
Wheaties may be the breakfast of champions. However, Kraft Dinner is the staff of life.
But I have a beef with my favourite cheese: I do not think Kraft Dinner tastes like it did when we were younger. I wish I could say it is ‘getting cheddar’ – but it isn’t.
“Jan, this Kraft Dinner doesn’t taste as good as when I was a kid.”
“Gary, it is not only your taste of Kraft Dinner that has changed. Your taste in fashion is nothing to write home about. Look at your relax-fit pants you are wearing. You have them hiked halfway up to your armpits! It is not a pretty picture. You must have recessive jeans.”
Most peoples’ love affair with Kraft Dinner can be traced back to their university days – when first year students lived on-campus with a cafeteria meal plan featuring mystery meat and fish sticks. By the second year they moved off-campus into slum-style rentals decorated with cardboard beer case coffee tables and empty Mateus wine bottles with dried candlewax dripping down. To afford this lifestyle they survived on Kraft Dinner!
Back in those days Kraft … Read the rest here