Living Retired – ‘Underwear Gets A Bum Wrap’
The other evening Jan began musing about all the things she has been missing since Covid-19 turned everything topsy turvy.
“Gary, I miss going out to concerts and movies and getting together with our friends and granddaughters. We have cancelled our trip to Ireland with Ted and Bettyann not once, but twice.”
Hmm. I got thinking about other things that have been crimped by Covid. “You are absolutely right Dear. I miss going out to buy new underwear.”
“Gary, there you go again. I was being serious.”
“Jan, don’t get your knickers in a knot.”
So, with that I set out to write this weeks Living Retired column that will mention my unmentionables. Jan was quick to read my mind, “Gary, nobody is interested in a long dissertation about your underwear.”
“Don’t worry Dear. I will be ‘brief.’”
Truthfully, I do not need new underwear. Rather, I would like new underwear. I have lots of underwear in my sock drawer where I keep my underwear. Or is it my underwear drawer where I stash my socks?
I am not being a smarty pants but after almost two friggin’ years of baking sourdough … Read the rest here
Living Retired – ‘Year In, Year Out’
Recently, Jan described me using the expression ‘You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.’ YIKES! That scared the bejeebers out of me!
“Jan do you know what that means when you call me an old dog?” According to the American Veterinarian Association calculation I am – get this! – 369 years old in dog years!”
“Gary, I don’t know how on earth they come up with such a number but don’t worry about it – at least you aren’t lapping up the water in the toilet bowl. Although, we should send you back to obedience training to teach you to close the lid.”
This all came about when I returned from Staples with my 2022 ‘At-A-Glance DayMinder Weekly Appointment Book.’ Jan was not impressed. She figured the day has come for me to use the calendar app on my iPhone.
“Jan, that reminds me the time at work they insisted everyone had to have a Palm Pilot. I was all fingers and thumbs trying to keep track of my appointments. I used a spiral-bound calendar throughout my entire career, and I am not changing now.”
I still have my daytimers from work … Read the rest here
Living Retired – “Happy ‘How Did We Survive?’ New Year!”
On New Years Eve Jan and I didn’t raise a glass of champagne to welcome the new year. Instead, we toasted ‘GOOD RIDDANCE to 2021!’
It is still early in 2022, but we are, well, lets just say, hobbling around the house.
No, it has nothing to do with drinking too much single malt scotch over the holidays. Nor can I blame it on going on two years of ‘Covid Couple Confinement’: Jan baking sourdough bread ad nauseam, and me frantically waving a dish towel at the smoke alarm!
The reason we are entering 2022 in such sad shape is, well, lets call it what it is: Jan and I spent the entire month of December doing every friggin’ Christmas tradition known to mankind! We are exhausted!
It began with the tradition of putting ‘Elf On The Shelf’ on a different shelf every night in December. Every morning Jan asked, “Gary, which shelf did you place Elf last night?”
“Jan, I haven’t got a clue where I put Elf. I cannot remember where I left my glasses, my Covid facemask, my iPhone, my iPad, my key fob, MY EVERYTHING!”
And … Read the rest here
Living Retired – ‘I Am A Basket Case’
A few weeks ago, I made a comment to Jan that upset her so much that she called me – get ready for it! – a ‘basket case.’
My objection to being called ‘a basket case’ was met with resistance.
“Gary, at least I did not call you a whack-job or a wing-nut, some of the names you have called people.”
“Jan, I am just saying that it sounds rather harsh when you call me a basket case. The next time I say something that perturbs you I would prefer you use the word ‘hamper’ – that sounds a lot more pleasing to me than ‘basket’”
The name-calling coincided with our laundry room renovation. The night before the crew arrived to demolish the laundry room, Jan and I removed everything from the shelves and cupboards. It was mostly non-laundry things: cookbooks, canned goods, and, well, let’s just call it ‘miscellaneous stuff.’
“Jan, why are we storing our crockpots in the laundry room? And why do we have two – doesn’t one slow cooker cook slow enough?”
Jan’s response cut to the chafe. “Okay Gary, can you tell me why you keep a … Read the rest here
Living Retired – ‘The 12 Words of Christmas’
Five more sleeps and it will Christmas Day 2021. This means it is time for my annual Living Retired Christmas column where I put the six geese a-laying, the seven swans a-swimming, and the eight maids a-milking to ‘a-bed!’ Instead of ‘The 12- Days of Christmas’ it is ‘The 12 Words of Christmas’ – 12 holiday greetings, each in 12 words. Here goes..
“Merry Christmas. I’m in the hospital – I slipped on the decorator pillows!”
“Merry Christmas. 15 strings of lights plugged in one outlet. HOLY SMOKE!”
“Merry Christmas. Dear, the lights just dimmed upstairs – what have you done?”
“Merry Christmas. Come over if you can hook up Nintendo Switch system.”
“Merry Christmas. My husband is carving the turkey – cover the grandchildren’s ears!”
“Merry Christmas. My husband bought all my gifts at Victoria Secret. OMG!”
“Merry Christmas. Dear, what made you think I could fit into THIS?!”
“Merry Christmas. If you are coming over we need booze and batteries.”
“Merry Christmas. It’s the bank manager calling – do you realize you’re broke!”
“Merry Christmas. This toy requires no assembly, no batteries. Ideal for grandfathers.”
“Merry Christmas. I’m constipated, have … Read the rest here
Living Retired — ‘Call Me Dick Clark’
Now I know how Dick Clark felt all those years — you know being Americas oldest teenager.
It all started when Jan and I received our Covid-19 booster vaccinations. When we entered the clinic they asked us to confirm our personal health information — including our birth dates. Then, at the next desk they reconfirmed our personal health information — asking us when our birthdays were. When I was seated with my sleeve rolled up the nurse asked me — it is THE THIRD TIME now — to confirm my birthdate!
“Mr. Chalk do you know when your birthday is?”
“Yes. I sure do!” I said.
Silence. The nurse was not impressed with my humour. It sure made me laugh. Just saying. But when he looked down at my information sheet and realized my age he said, “Wow Mr. Chalk you sure do not look your age!’
“Thanks, I do not know about not looking my age. What I do know is my wife is always screaming at me to act my age.” Again, I howled at my humour! I am sure he thought I was some kind of a nut case. I … Read the rest here