Posted by Gary Chalk on Sep 14, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Flying Pants.
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk
When Jan and I go on a vacation that involves flying, I wing it: I don’t wear pants. I don’t like it, Jan loves it; but she has no skin in the game. On our recent trip to the British Isles this is how my problem pants went down…
“Jan, have you seen the pants you got out for me to wear on the plane?”
“Gary, what do you mean? You are wearing them.”
I looked down at myself. I didn’t see pants. All I saw was a plethora of pockets! There were the usual two front pockets. But below those two front pockets were two more, larger pockets. These pockets had zippers. AND, below those pockets down beside my knees were two more pockets — even larger, with more zippers. That was SIX POCKETS just on the front — no wonder I couldn’t see my pants! The pockets continued with the usual two back pockets, these had Velcro closures. And, you will never guess what’s inside all of these pockets: smaller hidden pockets!
I wasn’t buying it. “Jan who is kidding who? I am wearing pockets that … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Aug 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired— ‘A Tinker’s Damn’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
I seldom tinker trying to fix things around the house. Take our toaster, it religiously turns bagels into a burnt offering. I can count on Jan saying, “Gary I don’t give a tinker’s damn. Get a new toaster on Amazon.”
It’s the same trying to fix the bathroom tap that leaks like Living Retired men rushing to the toilet in the middle of the night. I can count on Jan to say, “Gary, call Carl. He will fix it without water leaking to the basement.”
Jan and I have a routine: she will say, “Gary, the light bulb needs to be replaced in the guest bedroom.” I say, “Okay I’ll get a replacement bulb and my hammer.” Of course, I am joking — sort of — but I have repeated this so many times that last week I actually did return with a lightbulb and hammer. It was a joke! But Jan grabbed the hammer and I dropped the bulb on the floor smashing it to smithereens.
Recently, our refrigerator ice dispenser stopped dispensing ice cubes. Instead, when I pressed my glass to the dispenser, crushed ice scattered … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Aug 10, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Mastering Doing Nothing.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Health experts have long suggested that Living Retired may lead to a sedentary lifestyle. They recommend we keep active socially, mentally, and physically. This is why many retirees socialize playing cards with their friends, read to keep their brain active, and play pickleball so they can gripe about the emergency room wait times.
But now we are being told the opposite. Autumn Grant, a mindfulness teacher in Halifax, stresses the importance of creating space for unstructured moments. Her thinking is backed by Dr. Divi an intuitive coach in Vancouver who suggests we pump the brakes. Essentially, they say we need to master the art of doing nothing.
Doing nothing was what my Living Retired ears have been waiting to hear ever since Covid when Jan and I decided to spend more time together cooking. All we accomplished was gaining weight eating homemade sourdough bread and tearing my rotator cuff waving the dish towel underneath the smoke alarm. Last week I began my mission to teach myself to do nothing. It got off to a rocky start…
At breakfast Jan said, “Gary, can you fix the dining room
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Aug 3, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘The Dishwasher Rack-It’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Living Retired couples concur that a successful marriage is based on lasting love, true trust, and agreeing how to load the dishwasher.
“Jan. You did it again. You placed the knives and forks upside down. They’ll never come out clean.”
“And Gary how many times have I told you not to put the dirty Tupperware containers in the top rack? They end up upside down filled with water, when I take them out the water splashes all over the dry dishes on the lower rack.”
Jan and I also can’t get our heads wrapped around pre-rinsing dirty dishes before we load them into the dishwasher. What I do know is our dishwasher begins with sparkling clean dishes! And still the silverware comes out with spots. How can that be?
Kitchen dishwashers became popularized on Leaver It To Beaver when Ward got a loan from Mr. Rutherford at the bank for a dishwasher for June. Otherwise, June would be too busy doing the dishes in the sink to change into her fancy dress and pearl necklace to serve Ward, Wally, and Beaver dinner every night. And you never
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 27, 2026 in Explosive Diarrhea, Humor, humour, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |
Living Retired — ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk
Dietitians have long promoted the nutritional value of eating green leafy vegetables, including lettuce. Well! I wonder what these sliced celery stick-eaters are saying these days? The lettuce bowl has become, well, the toilet bowl. All because PhD-educated food scientists officially named a parasitic illness ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.’ This has led to a huge, well, outpouring across the USA.
They could have named it Volatile Looseness, even Unstable Intestines. But no, they went all out — so to speak — and named it EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! The culprit is contaminated lettuce, which when consumed causes cyclosporiasis, which causes the Human Elimination System (HES) to have a Sudden System Malfunction (SSM). The result is !#&%! By this time, it is waayyy too late.
This has made for interesting conversation at the dinner table…
“Jan, just to be safe I will take a pass on the lettuce salad this evening. I don’t want to embarrass you with EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.”
Jan put her fork down, wiped her lips with a napkin, and said, “Thanks a lot Gary. Suddenly I am not hungry anymore.”
“Well, next time would you like me to call it
… Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘I Have Seen The Light!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
I never, NEVER, NEVER thought the day would come that I would say I enjoy soccer. However, after thirty days of The World Cup I managed to emerge from underneath crumpled Bud Lite empties and crushed Dorito bags and screamed, “GLORY BE TO FIFA!”
Yes FIFA — Fake Injury Football Actors — won me over. So much so that I started playing indoor soccer — in our living room. This is how it went…
First off, to be a soccer player you need to have tattoos all over your body. I went on Amazon and scrolled through pages and pages of temporary tattoos, eventually settling on the Marine Collection that feature glow in the dark, waterproof tattoos of turtles and colourful fish. I pressed COMPLETE ORDER, then went to the front door and picked up my package of temporary tattoos. Just like that I was ready to begin playing soccer.
Day One. The first day was Player Introductions. I put on a pair of easy-stretch waist shorts with suspenders and my Skechers Slip-Ons; it wasn’t pretty. The players walk onto the pitch holding hands … Read the rest here
