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Living retired — ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Posted by on Oct 24, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living retired — ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Living retired — ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Living Retired – ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’ Here is my spin on washing the clothes in our household: it is a tag team event. First, Jan and I wrestle pulling apart the rolled up balls of dirty socks scrunched inside out. Then like a Japanese sumo wrestler takes his opponent to the floor, Jan grabs the laundry hamper and violently heaves it upside down! THUD! Dirty clothes flood the laundry room floor: 90% hers, 10% mine. Just saying… “Gary, we need to separate all these clothes into loads.” Soon, Jan is up to her waist in the massive mound on the...

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Living Retired — ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

Posted by on Oct 17, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired — ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

Living Retired — ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

Living Retired – ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’ I have some very good news to share this week! Yesterday afternoon Jan told me – well actually she flailed her arms and screamed! – “GARY! THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID!”   At first I was shocked! But the more I thought about it, what Jan said to me made me feel rather good. My thinking was if it has taken this many years into our marriage for me to finally blurt out the stupidest thing I have ever said, I am doing pretty good! Would you not agree? Before I tell you the...

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Living Retired — ‘IT IS 2 O’CLOCK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS?’

Posted by on Oct 10, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired — ‘IT IS 2 O’CLOCK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS?’

Living Retired — ‘IT IS 2 O’CLOCK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS?’

Living Retired – ‘It Is 2 o’clock: Do You Know Where Your Thanksgiving Turkey Is?’ Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. At 2 o’clock this afternoon across the country wives will unite and let out a bloodcurdling scream: “DEAR, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE TURKEY OUT OF THE FREEZER!” From television rooms coast to coast husbands will respond with a reasoned, well-thought answer: “Honey, can you grab me another beer? While you are at it you may as well bring more nachos and guacamole. The football game is tied.” Obviously the ‘you forgot to take the...

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Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Posted by on Oct 4, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’ Ever since I broke three ribs a month ago I have been taking an afternoon break — bad choice of words, but you know what I mean — resting on the sectional sofa in our family room. Sounds easy enough, but… First, before I can lay down I have to unpack the collection of decorator pillows and handcrafted throws displayed on the sofa. This part is easy — I heave them into a mound on the floor. Then, I have to get another set of pillows — the pillows I use when I sleep in our bedroom. It gets complicated but these...

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Living Retired: ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

Posted by on Sep 27, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired: ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

Living Retired: ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

Living Retired — ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’ My iPhone suddenly ringing jarred me from my sleepy stupor. “Gary you said you were going out to pick up a few groceries. That was more than an hour ago. What is taking you so much time?” “Jan, I have been standing in the grocery store checkout lane so long that I fell asleep standing up. Maybe I should consider an encore career as a customer service representative at the license bureau.” How long have I been waiting? Well, the cello package of organic, triple-washed baby spinach in my grocery cart is now...

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Living Retired: ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC’

Posted by on Sep 20, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired: ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC’

Living Retired: ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC’

Living Retired – ‘YOU CANNOT CALL ME A SMART ALEC.’     Living in a ‘smart home’ is all the rage these days… A high-tech smart thermostat will warm up your home before you even walk in the door. In the kitchen a smart refrigerator will tell you when you need to toss out fresh fish gone bad before your refrigerator stinks like your grandsons hockey equipment bag. And you can even have a smart home security system that allows you to watch porch pirates steal your Amazon parcels right before your eyes! This is all well and good BUT Jan and I –...

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Living Retired: ‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’

Posted by on Sep 12, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired: ‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’

Living Retired: ‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’

Living Retired: ‘IS CATARACT SURGERY ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE?’ You know I do not make this stuff up, right? Just saying… My cataract surgery a week ago was, well, eye opening! The hospital-supplied drugs were lights out. Poor word choice but you know what I mean. The following afternoon the ophthalmologist called. “Gary, the procedure went well.” He explained the ‘fogginess’ in my eye would clear up in a week. He spoke using OHIP fee-approved terminology — medical words not clear to my eyes, err, ears. The past week has been a strict...

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Living Retire — ‘Death By Coleslaw’

Posted by on Sep 8, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retire — ‘Death By Coleslaw’

Living Retire — ‘Death By Coleslaw’

Living Retired — ‘DEATH BY COLESLAW’ Throughout August in our household, I — make that my intestines! — endured a 31 day summer salad saga! It was ‘All Salads, All The Time.’ We ate Caesar salad, Greek salad, Cobb salad, Italian Caprese salad, Asian noodle salad, and Mexican bean salad. But, like Ron Popeil who invented the Chop-O-Matic hand food processor that chopped our onions to perfection said, “Wait there is more…” We also ate fresh spinach salad, Waldorf salad, coleslaw, and cabbage salad with sesame soy and ginger vinaigrette. We had...

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Living Retired — ‘I’LL BE DAMNED!’

Posted by on Aug 29, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired — ‘I’LL BE DAMNED!’

Living Retired — ‘I’LL BE DAMNED!’

Living Retired – ‘I’LL BEE DAMNED!’ You would not describe the Chalk household last Wednesday as the bees knees. The day was wicked hot – a heat advisory, plus record humidity – not the best day to replace the compressor on our central air conditioning system. What could possibly go wrong shutting off our air conditioning on the HOTTEST FRIGGIN’ DAY OF THE SUMMER! “Don’t worry Jan, the installers are coming first thing this morning. The air conditioner will be off for perhaps 2 hours, tops. It will be a piece of cake – just not a frozen Baked...

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Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’

Posted by on Aug 23, 2021 in Retirement Humour | Comments Off on Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’

Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’

Living Retired: ‘BACKSPACE BACKLASH’ From the kitchen it sounded like there was a woodpecker drumming away in Jan’s office. Tap! Tap! Tap! Was I hearing things? It happened again. And again. Tap! Tap! Tap! “Jan, what is that sound in your office? What are you doing?” Tap! Tap! Tap! She did not hear me. Soon I was standing at the door to her office. I saw Jan furiously shaking her keyboard up and down, smacking it with her hands! “Jan! What on earth are you doing to your keyboard?” “Gary, I am writing an important document and every time I...

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