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Living Retired #225- February 19, 2018

Posted by on Feb 18, 2018 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #225- February 19, 2018

Living Retired #225- February 19, 2018

‘YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT’ Three weeks. That’s how long it’s been since my wife and I purchased our his and her cellphones. The first week we had a moment of weakness—similar to when the Democrats selected Hillary Clinton to be their candidate. I still don’t know what happened but we got so excited that before we knew it we were unpacking the cell phones from their box—it was like your grandchildren on Christmas morning except we didn’t puke eggnog on new pyjamas. Then Jan completely lost it: “Gary let’s activate the phones.” Stupid...

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THE 3 WORST WORDS: ‘ACTIVATING YOUR DEVICE’

Posted by on Feb 4, 2018 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on THE 3 WORST WORDS: ‘ACTIVATING YOUR DEVICE’

THE 3 WORST WORDS: ‘ACTIVATING YOUR DEVICE’

Living Retired #224 Satire by Gary Chalk February 5, 2018   WARNING… The following contains disturbing graphic scenes: a middle-aged married couple trying to setup their new cell phones. Enough said. For the life of me I don’t know what got into Jan. But right out of the clear blue she piped up, “Gary, lets set up the new his and hers iPhones we bought.”   So, I did what was natural. I gathered myself; took a deep breath. Then screamed, “ARE YOU FRIGGIN” NUTS?” Don’t get me wrong. Like other married couples Jan and I have worked...

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Living Retired #223- January 15, 2018

Posted by on Jan 14, 2018 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #223- January 15, 2018

Living Retired #223- January 15, 2018

THE AMAZING CELL PHONE DIET Me? I haven’t been able to control my enthusiasm. My wife? She can’t contain her sarcasm. “Gary please tell me you’re running around the house because you’re excited that for once you remembered to put the toilet seat down!” Actually it’s better; much better. I am about to join the list of great inventors–people who have brought about transformational change with inventions like the automobile, the personal computer, and the salad spinner. My invention is at the point...

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Living Retired #222- January 8, 2018

Posted by on Jan 7, 2018 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #222- January 8, 2018

Living Retired #222- January 8, 2018

WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN. Hello? Can anyone please tell me why I am doing this? It is freezing cold outside. The wind is howling. The snow is up to my wazoo–which is another way of saying, “Dear can we just move to a place that is warm, has no state tax, and has strip plazas with liposuction clinics on every corner: Florida?” But noooo. I am a middle age man, which means my DNA makes me do stupid things. Right now I am bundled in a heavy parka with a balaclava covering my head that makes me look like a protestor throwing...

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Living Retired #221- December 18, 2017.

Posted by on Dec 16, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #221- December 18, 2017.

Living Retired #221- December 18, 2017.

THE TWELVE WORDS of CHRISTMAS. BREAKING NEWS: The ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ is old news. It’s time to put the six geese a laying out to pasture. The eight maids a milking deserve time off. And the ten lords a leaping are all leaped out. Instead, not back by popular demand, it’s my annual Living Retired ‘Twelve Words of Christmas’–twelve holiday greetings, each saying Merry Christmas in twelve words. #1. Merry Christmas. Halv I addud enuf alkerhaul two tiss yeers ferrute kayke? #2. Merry Christmas....

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Living Retired #220- December 11, 2017

Posted by on Dec 10, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #220- December 11, 2017

Living Retired #220- December 11, 2017

  14 SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! Yikes! Some things happen in the blink of an eyelash–like when you are prepping the night before your colonoscopy and you drink that cocktail from the pharmacist. “OMG! LOOK OUT DEAR I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM… NOW!!!” Christmas is much the same. There is so much shopping to do, baking to be done, and more running around than your dog going in circles trying to get that damn Christmas bow off its tail. So, with only 14 sleeps until Christmas here is the 2017 Living Retired Christmas...

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Living Retired #219- December 4, 2017

Posted by on Dec 3, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #219- December 4, 2017

Living Retired #219- December 4, 2017

HUSBANDS & WIVES SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS IN DIFFERENT WAYS. It’s December. Around the world people are preparing to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas–by personalizing the family greeting card with a picture of their dog wearing a pink tutu and feather boa. Much of December is wasted driving in circles around the shopping mall parking lot with one hand on the steering wheel and the other out the window frantically waving a finger at the idiot who stole your spot. In the backseat the Michelin Man–oh that’s your kid...

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Living Retired #218- November 27, 2017

Posted by on Nov 26, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #218- November 27, 2017

Living Retired #218- November 27, 2017

A RETIREMENT ROAD MAP Everyone says the same thing: “You’ll know when it’s time to retire.” For instance, when your boss walks into your office and you don’t even bother trying to  quickly get the solitaire game you’re playing off your computer screen–you know it’s time to retire. One word of warning: if your husband is already retired and the house looks like your kids college dorm room, be sure to tell him before you tell your boss. With a little luck he may decide to clean up the place; or,...

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Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

Posted by on Nov 19, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017

SFOLLY FHRAPT! Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before. No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky! What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple… It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed. He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a...

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Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

Posted by on Nov 12, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized | Comments Off on Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

ALARMING REASON COUPLES SHOULDN’T TRAVEL.   The members of the Association of Airport Baggage Handlers–whose motto is ‘Hey Fred have we dropkicked this suitcase yet?’–are attempting to redirect the focus on the pitfalls of travel.   At a recent training session, baggage handler Sam Sonite (HA! HA!) who holds the record for damaging the most pieces of luggage in an eight-hour shift, provided hands-on practical tips on how to delay passengers luggage from reaching the airport carousel in a timely manner....

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