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Living Retired — ‘Mulch Man’
Living Retired — ‘Mulch Man’ By Gary Chalk. Ring! Ring! Ring! “Hi Dear, I am at the garden centre to buy the mulch you want. They have pine mulch, pine needles, shredded bark, bags of oyster shells, cocoa hulls, and bags of rubber mulch pellets. You can even get organic mulch.” “Gary, we want cedar mulch.” “Well in that case, I can buy red, sierra red, deep forest, or natural cedar mulch.” “Gary, we need black cedar mulch.” “Oh, here it is. Would you like Classic Black cedar mulch or Black Beauty cedar mulch? They both look the same to me.”...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘Spitting, Scratching, & Slopping’
Living Retired — ‘Spitting, Scratching, & Slopping’ By Gary Chalk. “There, he did again Gary! The batter is standing at home plate in a baseball stadium packed with 40,000 spectators. Millions more are watching on national television. And what does he do? He spits!” “Jan, it’s baseball. It’s part of Americana.” The Blue Jays are playing the New York Yankees. Jan and I are part of the millions watching on television. It’s good that our beer doesn’t cost $20. On the other hand, we see close-ups of the players spitting. As Aaron Judge comes...
read moreLiving retired — ‘Tipping the Scales’
Living Retired — ‘Tipping the Scales’ By Gary Chalk “Jan, you go first.” “Gary, I went first last week.” “No, I insist. Women first.” “Okay Gary, but not until you leave the room.” It is Friday morning, the day each week Jan and I officially get weighed for the diet challenge we are participating in. The diet challenge is like golf — it is based on the honour system; but unlike golfers’ dieters don’t drink afterwards. And like golf we have some money on the line: everyone puts $20 in the pot — okay bad choice of words when I look at myself in...
read moreLiving Retired –‘Tupperware Fits Us To A ‘T’
Living Retired — ‘Tupperware Fits to A ‘T’ By Gary Chalk. Times are tough for Tupperware. The manufacturer of the iconic plastic storage containers may soon burp its last lid. According to media reports Tupperware is contending with a major debt load and sales have slowed. All this has left consumers my age with what medical experts have coined ‘FSSS: Food Storage Sadness Syndrome.’ When I was a kid, Tupperware home parties were all the rage. Housewives would gather in a neighbour’s living room with its wall-to-wall broadloom. The host would...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘Krazy Glue: The Glue That Binds Us’
Living Retired — ‘Krazy Glue: The Glue That Binds Us’ By Gary Chalk. Living Retired readers know that I am not a home handyman type of guy. My first go-to tool of choice is my hammer which really irks Jan. “Gary, I am surprised you haven’t used your hammer to replace the pot lights overtop the island in the kitchen.” “Jan, I did try it, once. I learned my lesson though — not to wear flip flops next time.” So last week when a thin strip of metal began to peel from the front of our microwave oven, I immediately went for my second go-to tool of...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘Pipe Dream’
Living Retired — ‘Pipe Dream’ By Gary Chalk Researchers have discovered that we dream for approximately 2 hours every night. And the typical dream lasts twenty minutes — which is the maximum time guys my age can go before we have to get up to pee again. The other morning at breakfast I asked Jan about her dreams. “Gary, I have been dreaming for a couple years about replacing the backsplash tile in the kitchen, but I can’t convince you.” “Jan, that is not a dream, that is a pipe dream! I am talking about dreaming when you’re sleeping?” This...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘In It To Win It!’
Living Retired — ‘In It To Win It!’ By Gary Chalk This may sound like something Yogi Berra would say but here goes: the best place to start is at the beginning… One morning last week Jan came running into our bedroom. “Gary, I could hear you making a lot of loud groans from over in my office. I was afraid what I would see.” What Jan saw made her eyes grow wide open. I was laying flat on my back on the mattress. I had my stomach sucked in and held my breath so long that my face was beet red. “Okay Gary, please tell me why your pants are down...
read moreLiving Retired –‘Don’t Press Your Luck’
Living Retired — ‘Don’t Press Your Luck’ By Gary Chalk. In a recent Living Retired column ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ I wrote that Jan mentioned we had to replace our ironing board. I should have ironed out the details but before you could ‘Easy-On Spray Starch makes ironing easier’ I purchased a new ironing board. The day coincided with our anniversary. I should have known better… You see many years back I wrapped a snow-shovel and placed it under the Christmas tree for Jan. IT WAS A JOKE! But Jan didn’t see the humour. She excitedly tore off the...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘Jan Has Her Say’
Living Retired — ‘Jan Has Her Say’ By guest writer Jan Chalk. Hi. This is Jan, Gary’s wife. According to Gary’s Living Retired column you know all about me. Well, let’s just say you shouldn’t believe everything you read. Gary has written his Living Retired humour column for eight years now. He thinks it is side-splitting funny. I go along with him and let him have his way — even when the ‘truth escapes him.’ Until now I have kept my fingers away from his keyboard. But something happened to us a few weeks ago that I absolutely have to share...
read moreLiving Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat.’
Living Retired— ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’ By Gary Chalk. Jan and I recently returned from a seven-day Caribbean cruise with our friends Rick and Judy. It was Rick’s 70th birthday and we all figured what better way to celebrate than spending time together in the sunshine. Well, not so fast ‘Mr. Fly By The Seat of Your Pants’… “Jan, this is the last time I am going on a cruise if it means having to go through an airport.” “Settle down Gary. It only took a couple of attempts and some assistance from the friendly Air Canada attendant to figure...
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