Living retired — ‘Cash Me If You Can’
Living Retired — ‘Cash Me If You Can.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Humour Columnist Gary Chalk.
My Monday morning routine is to publish that week’s Living Retired column. Jans routine is to ask, “Gary, how on earth do you come up with such gobbledygook?” I explain that frequently the stories fall in my lap, or this week, in my wallet; but actually, it didn’t fall in my wallet. This is what I mean…
I am a fan of drive-through automatic teller machines (ATM’s) at banks. You drive up, insert your bank card, press a few buttons, and grab your cash all without even having to get out of your car. I have even deposited cheques, then driven off with confirmation of my deposit complete with an image of the cheque. How cool is that! But last week…
I pulled up to a bank ATM. No cars were in front of me, I thought it would be a breeze. I quickly inserted my bank card, entered my PIN, made some selections, and waited for the machine to dispense $200 in $20 bills. Right on the money, the ATM drawer opened, and the $20 bills slid into view. But when I reached for my cash, I realized my bank wasn’t giving me their bang for my buck: I could see my money. I could feel my money. I just couldn’t get my money to come out of the tray! The $20 bills were stuck in the ATM!
I stretched my arm as far as I could out the car window, but I still could not get a good grip on the bills, at least enough to yank them from the machine. I contorted my body to reach even further. Eventually, I managed to pull out six $20 bills. The rest were stuck. I needed a pair of needle-nose pliers!
The obvious thing to do was to open my car door and stand closer to the ATM to retrieve the rest of the $20 bills. I tried, but my car was too close to the ATM to swing the door open. Now what?
Oh no! In my rearview mirror I could see that not one, but now two cars had pulled up behind me. The drivers stared at me like I am an idiot. Hey wait: I AM AN IDIOT!
HONK! HONK!! It’s the anxious driver in the second car.
I have never worried about money in the past, but then and there I experienced symptoms of money anxiety.
RING! RING!! It’s Jan. “Sorry Jan I can’t talk. Got money problems.”
I didn’t have a friggin’ clue what to do! Faster than you could say ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’ I experienced full-blown money anxiety!
HONK! HONK!! HONK!!!
I tried to reach out my car window to shake my fist at the honkers, but all that accomplished was I bloodied my fingers smacking them against the ATM!
Thankfully, the driver on the horn gave up. He slowly drove backwards away from the ATM, while he screamed something at me.
I could not get out of my car to capture the attention of the driver behind me to back up, so I did the next best thing: I put my foot on the brake and shifted into Reverse. WOW! That got her attention! HONK! HONK! HONK!
Eventually, the lady slowly backed up enough so I could reposition my car to allow me to open the door and step out. Success. I stood at the ATM to get the rest of my money, but I didn’t bank on what happened next…
A message appeared on the ATM screen: ‘TIME EXPIRED.’ With that, the rest of my money disappeared, sucked back in the machine! I had some of my money, and no slip of paper of evidence of my incomplete transaction. NOW WHAT!!!
I drove forward from the ATM and parked to go in the bank to speak with a teller.
When I reached the bank entrance customers were waiting in line for it to open. I greeted them, “Good morning!” One man piped up, “We have been laughing for ten minutes at some goofball frantically waving his arms and shaking his fist at the ATM.”
All I could say was, “What an idiot!”
Living Retired is written by published humour columnist Gary Chalk.
Listen to ‘Living Retired On The Radio’ Thursday mornings on The Mike Farwell Show at 10:30 am on CityNews570. If you want a link to the audio drop me an email.
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