Posted by Gary Chalk on Mar 15, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Salad Queen Meets Muffin Man’
By Gary Chalk.
Over the years Jan and I have used different names that we affectionately call each other.
Some names I call Jan include ‘Dear,’ ‘Honey,’ and when I want to upset her ‘Janice.’
A few of the names Jan has called me include ‘Gary’ and well, hmmm, that’s pretty well it unless you include “Gary what the hell did you do that for?” Or “What were you thinking?” However, these names are so commonplace I don’t consider them special.
Last week we came up with some new names for each other. It happened as we were making a special dinner to celebrate our anniversary…
Jan was chopping vegetables for the salad when she suddenly proclaimed, “Gary, I like that I am the Salad Queen.”
Before I had a chance to respond with, “Janice what brought this on?” Alexa awoke and said, “Okay, playing ‘Dancing Queen.’”
‘Friday night and the lights are low, looking for a place to go, where they play the right music, getting in the swing, you come to look for king, anybody could be that guy.’
Just like that our kitchen was transposed into an Abba concert! … Read the rest here Read More
Posted by Gary Chalk on Mar 5, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘To Pee or Not To Pee’
By Gary Chalk
As baby boomers age we contend with important issues such as keeping tabs on our finances, monitoring our blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and, for men, deciding whether getting up during the night to pee is worth it. Here is what I mean…
It is 3 o’clock in the middle of the night. I wake up and have to go to the bathroom. I can either get up and go to the bathroom, or I can remain nice and cozy beneath the duvet and try to ‘hold it’ for as long as possible.
Fifteen minutes later…
Jan complains, “Gary, can you please stop tossing around so much? You woke me up and now I can’t get back to sleep. I cannot get my mind off whether we should replace the kitchen backsplash. What do you think?”
“Backsplash! Jan, the only splash on my mind right now is in the toilet! I have to pee. But if I get up, I will trip over the decorator pillows scattered on the bedroom floor. It comes down to would you rather wake up to me tossing and turning, or me laying … Read the rest here Read More
Posted by Gary Chalk on Feb 27, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |
Living Retired — ‘Splitting Hairs’
By Gary Chalk.
During Covid Couple Confinement, Jan and I began playing Crib most nights before dinner. Jan poured some wine, made up hors d’oeuvres, and complained about my inability to accurately count my Crib! We still do this today. Some things never change.
Another activity we have continued is that Jan cuts my hair. However, both of us are ambivalent about this. Here is what I mean…
Pre-Covid I would call ‘Al’s Place’ to make an appointment. Al has cut my hair back when I had more hair.
These days, Jan quickly tells me when I need my hair cut. She howls in laughter, “Gary, your head looks like England’s former Prime Minister Boris Johnson but with less hair!”
At Al’s, I relax in the chair and he drapes me with a cape and places a strip of white tissue around my neck, just so. With that, Al picks up his barber scissors — the ones with a thing-a-ma-jig that rests against your finger that allows barbers to frantically click away non-stop while they cut and chat with everyone in the shop.
It is different when Jan cuts my hair. She has a … Read the rest here Read More
Posted by Gary Chalk on Feb 20, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |
Living Retired — ‘Don’t Leave Home Without It’
By Gary Chalk.
It is the middle of February. Millions of Canadians are planning their annual winter getaway to the sunshine. Arrangements have been made for someone to look after the pets, the flights have been booked, and rides to and from the airport have been made. Next up is packing. OMG!
Yesterday I was commiserating with a friend about our upcoming trip. Wouldn’t you know it, we bellyached about packing.
“Gary, I stand at my dresser and toss socks and underwear in my suitcase. I like to do this the night before we leave. Or better yet, just as the driver to the airport pulls into our driveway.”
“I get it Jerry. It is a time-honoured tradition. Why change?”
Jerry and I concluded that our wives do not ‘Pack,’ instead they ‘PACK!’ This is what I mean…
Jan drains every last stitch of clothing from her dresser, her closet; oh, and her jewelry in the stand-up armoire. It is her time-honoured tradition — but it begins TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE DEPARTURE DATE!
Over the years, Jan has learned that the best way to avoid the last-minute, “For heavens sake Gary you … Read the rest here Read More
Posted by Gary Chalk on Feb 13, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |
Living Retired — ‘Blood Test All In Vain’
By Gary Chalk
This weeks Living Retired column is about identity theft. Mine!
It happened Wednesday afternoon. In less than ten minutes. Here is how it came about…
My physician gave me a requisition for blood work to be completed for my annual physical. All I had to do was book an appointment at a nearby laboratory. Easy peasy. Well not so fast Dr. Dreamy.
I went online to make an appointment at the lab I have visited in the past. I typed in the name of the lab and was directed to their website. What happened next, well, made my blood boil!
This lab allows registered patients to book appointments and see the results of their bloodwork online. All I had to do was go to the secure portal and answer the security questions I set up for my account from my last visit. WELL! This was like trying to get blood from a stone.
The first security question I set up last year was to enter the day, month, and year of my birth. I scrolled the mouse and clicked the correct date — there were only 31 days to … Read the rest here Read More
Posted by Gary Chalk on Feb 6, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |
Living Retired — ‘My Senior Moment’
By Gary Chalk.
As baby boomers age, we tend to become forgetful.
“Jan, have you seen my car keys? I have looked everywhere.”
“Sorry, Gary I am looking for my glasses. Let me know if in your travels looking for your car keys if you see my glasses.”
“Oh. Maybe that is why I can’t find my keys. First, I should look for my glasses so I can see my keys.”
Missing everyday items are examples of ‘senior moments.’ These days my senior moments seem to happen as frequently as I get up to pee during the night.
The experts who research senior moments — scientists with a government grant to study mice to see how often they misplace their iPhones — say senior moments take on a new meaning when we reach age 40. Truth be told, that was so long ago for me that I can’t remember.
I had a senior moment last week. It wasn’t any old senior moment like misplacing my wallet. It was a real doozy. Here is what happened…
My morning routine is the same, day in and day out. I stand at the bathroom sink. Half asleep … Read the rest here Read More