Living Retired — ‘Jan Has Her Say’
By guest writer Jan Chalk.
Hi. This is Jan, Gary’s wife. According to Gary’s Living Retired column you know all about me. Well, let’s just say you shouldn’t believe everything you read.
Gary has written his Living Retired humour column for eight years now. He thinks it is side-splitting funny. I go along with him and let him have his way — even when the ‘truth escapes him.’
Until now I have kept my fingers away from his keyboard. But something happened to us a few weeks ago that I absolutely have to share with you — before Gary puts his spin on what he thinks happened. We were having dinner…
“Gary, the home security service came today to update our system. How did it go?”
“Okay Gary spill the beans what did you do wrong?”
“Well, Jan it was going quite well. The service person was in the linen closet where the security system is wired. He called out for me to come and when I got there all I could see were his feet on the floor. His body was tucked inside the linen closet. He had one of those … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Splitting Hairs’
By Gary Chalk.
During Covid Couple Confinement, Jan and I began playing Crib most nights before dinner. Jan poured some wine, made up hors d’oeuvres, and complained about my inability to accurately count my Crib! We still do this today. Some things never change.
Another activity we have continued is that Jan cuts my hair. However, both of us are ambivalent about this. Here is what I mean…
Pre-Covid I would call ‘Al’s Place’ to make an appointment. Al has cut my hair back when I had more hair.
These days, Jan quickly tells me when I need my hair cut. She howls in laughter, “Gary, your head looks like England’s former Prime Minister Boris Johnson but with less hair!”
At Al’s, I relax in the chair and he drapes me with a cape and places a strip of white tissue around my neck, just so. With that, Al picks up his barber scissors — the ones with a thing-a-ma-jig that rests against your finger that allows barbers to frantically click away non-stop while they cut and chat with everyone in the shop.
It is different when Jan cuts my hair. She has a … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Don’t Leave Home Without It’
By Gary Chalk.
It is the middle of February. Millions of Canadians are planning their annual winter getaway to the sunshine. Arrangements have been made for someone to look after the pets, the flights have been booked, and rides to and from the airport have been made. Next up is packing. OMG!
Yesterday I was commiserating with a friend about our upcoming trip. Wouldn’t you know it, we bellyached about packing.
“Gary, I stand at my dresser and toss socks and underwear in my suitcase. I like to do this the night before we leave. Or better yet, just as the driver to the airport pulls into our driveway.”
“I get it Jerry. It is a time-honoured tradition. Why change?”
Jerry and I concluded that our wives do not ‘Pack,’ instead they ‘PACK!’ This is what I mean…
Jan drains every last stitch of clothing from her dresser, her closet; oh, and her jewelry in the stand-up armoire. It is her time-honoured tradition — but it begins TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE DEPARTURE DATE!
Over the years, Jan has learned that the best way to avoid the last-minute, “For heavens sake Gary you … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Blood Test All In Vain’
By Gary Chalk
This weeks Living Retired column is about identity theft. Mine!
It happened Wednesday afternoon. In less than ten minutes. Here is how it came about…
My physician gave me a requisition for blood work to be completed for my annual physical. All I had to do was book an appointment at a nearby laboratory. Easy peasy. Well not so fast Dr. Dreamy.
I went online to make an appointment at the lab I have visited in the past. I typed in the name of the lab and was directed to their website. What happened next, well, made my blood boil!
This lab allows registered patients to book appointments and see the results of their bloodwork online. All I had to do was go to the secure portal and answer the security questions I set up for my account from my last visit. WELL! This was like trying to get blood from a stone.
The first security question I set up last year was to enter the day, month, and year of my birth. I scrolled the mouse and clicked the correct date — there were only 31 days to … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘My Senior Moment’
By Gary Chalk.
As baby boomers age, we tend to become forgetful.
“Jan, have you seen my car keys? I have looked everywhere.”
“Sorry, Gary I am looking for my glasses. Let me know if in your travels looking for your car keys if you see my glasses.”
“Oh. Maybe that is why I can’t find my keys. First, I should look for my glasses so I can see my keys.”
Missing everyday items are examples of ‘senior moments.’ These days my senior moments seem to happen as frequently as I get up to pee during the night.
The experts who research senior moments — scientists with a government grant to study mice to see how often they misplace their iPhones — say senior moments take on a new meaning when we reach age 40. Truth be told, that was so long ago for me that I can’t remember.
I had a senior moment last week. It wasn’t any old senior moment like misplacing my wallet. It was a real doozy. Here is what happened…
My morning routine is the same, day in and day out. I stand at the bathroom sink. Half asleep … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Sneaking Snacks.’
By Gary Chalk.
It is about 9 o’clock in the evening. I am writing this weeks Living Retired column downstairs in my office. The lights are turned off. I can see only because of the light coming from my computer screen. I don’t want Jan to find me because I am snacking. Quietly, I slowly ripped open a package of Oreo cookies, double stuffed, chocolate. If I am lucky this should be just about enough for me to finish the column.
Jan is upstairs in her office. She is on ancestry.com researching her family roots. She ignored my suggestion that she specifically look for rich relatives because we are planning a vacation to Ireland and need a place to stay. The point is, Jan is snacking. She has a little bowl filled with Honey Shreddies — her snack of choice. The door to her office is closed.
How do I know Jan is sneaking Shreddies? When I walked past her office the evidence was in plain view on the floor: a SHREDDIE! (In hindsight I should have preserved this evidence and marked the scene with ‘Police Do Not Cross’ tape.)
Jan and I often … Read the rest here Read More