Living retired — ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Living Retired – ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Here is my spin on washing the clothes in our household: it is a tag team event.

First, Jan and I wrestle pulling apart the rolled up balls of dirty socks scrunched inside out.

Then like a Japanese sumo wrestler takes his opponent to the floor, Jan grabs the laundry hamper and violently heaves it upside down! THUD! Dirty clothes flood the laundry room floor: 90% hers, 10% mine. Just saying…

“Gary, we need to separate all these clothes into loads.”

Soon, Jan is up to her waist in the massive mound on the floor!

By my count we end up with nine piles, or in laundry lowdown: loads.

There is the dark load. The light load. The bright load. And the white load.

But there is more!

There is the jeans load. The towel load. The delicate load. And the special garments load.

There is also what Jan says is the “Whatever you do Gary, DO NOT SCREW THIS LOAD UP!”

Peering out over our laundry room floor it looks like the Andes Mountain range: nine separate piles of wool, cotton, linen, silk, polyester, and something called ‘viscose’ – which intimidates the lights … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

Living Retired – ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

I have some very good news to share this week!

Yesterday afternoon Jan told me – well actually she flailed her arms and screamed! – “GARY! THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID!”  

At first I was shocked! But the more I thought about it, what Jan said to me made me feel rather good. My thinking was if it has taken this many years into our marriage for me to finally blurt out the stupidest thing I have ever said, I am doing pretty good! Would you not agree?

Before I tell you the stupidest thing I have ever said, here are a few other examples of stupid things I have said – but do not rank up there at the top as the stupidest thing I have ever said. For example…

There was the time we were shopping in Sarasota Florida. Jan emerged from the changeroom at Chicos wearing some bright flower print slacks she had tried on. She said, “I don’t think I look good in these slacks.” I said, “Okay, don’t buy them.”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! Apparently, “I don’t think I look good … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘IT IS 2 O’CLOCK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS?’

Living Retired – ‘It Is 2 o’clock: Do You Know Where Your Thanksgiving Turkey Is?’

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. At 2 o’clock this afternoon across the country wives will unite and let out a bloodcurdling scream: “DEAR, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE TURKEY OUT OF THE FREEZER!”

From television rooms coast to coast husbands will respond with a reasoned, well-thought answer: “Honey, can you grab me another beer? While you are at it you may as well bring more nachos and guacamole. The football game is tied.”

Obviously the ‘you forgot to take the turkey out of the freezer’ discussion should not occur an hour before your close relatives – who you have not seen since last Thanksgiving – are standing at your front door. As hostess gifts are exchanged the women mutter under their breath, “I don’t know why I put up with this!”

Some people prefer a fresh turkey rather than frozen. Others say they want a free-range turkey. But in the end two things are important when it comes to your Thanksgiving turkey…

First, the turkey must be large enough to provide enough leftovers to have hot turkey sandwiches, cold turkey sandwiches, turkey pot pies, … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Ever since I broke three ribs a month ago I have been taking an afternoon break — bad choice of words, but you know what I mean — resting on the sectional sofa in our family room. Sounds easy enough, but…

First, before I can lay down I have to unpack the collection of decorator pillows and handcrafted throws displayed on the sofa. This part is easy — I heave them into a mound on the floor.

Then, I have to get another set of pillows — the pillows I use when I sleep in our bedroom. It gets complicated but these pillows are hidden behind — you guessed it — another collection of decorator pillows and a matching handcrafted throw that we arrange on top of the decorator duvet each morning when we make the bed!

Are you with me so far?

Finally, back in the family room I prop my sleeping pillows in place and stretch out on the sofa. Ahh, it feels sooo good.

But yesterday when I got up Jan gave me some terrible news. Here is what happened…

I was standing facing the sectional sofa — up to my knees … Read the rest here

Living Retired: ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

Living Retired — ‘THE PROBLEM PURSE’

My iPhone suddenly ringing jarred me from my sleepy stupor.

“Gary you said you were going out to pick up a few groceries. That was more than an hour ago. What is taking you so much time?”

“Jan, I have been standing in the grocery store checkout lane so long that I fell asleep standing up. Maybe I should consider an encore career as a customer service representative at the license bureau.”

How long have I been waiting? Well, the cello package of organic, triple-washed baby spinach in my grocery cart is now entering precocious puberty — listen closely and you can hear the little leaves pleading to get their very own cellphone, “Just like all the other baby spinach leaves have!”

A customer further back in the line complains, “What is the hold-up?”

I will tell you what the holdup is: the woman in front of me is buying enough groceries to feed the Duggar clan of kids!

Then, just as the cashier tucked loaves of bread next to a package of Tide Pods in the grocery bag — go figure! — it happened. The woman said those 7 dreaded words that cause … Read the rest here