Living Retired — ‘ATM aka: A Torture On Mankind’
By Gary Chalk.
Drive-thru automated teller machines (ATM’s) are similar to the traffic circles we maneuver: they work until you encounter someone who doesn’t know what they are doing. This is what happened to me the other day…
I pulled up to a bank drive-thru window. Two cars were ahead of me. The driver directly in front was beside himself waiting for the person in the car at the ATM window who was doing a year’s worth of personal banking. Every so often her arm slowly appeared from the car window and she tapped the screen. E-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, she followed the prompt button and stuffed a bank card, a cheque, or some cash in the slot. In between she sat relaxed in the car. Not a care in the world.
I sent a text message to Jan: “I am STILL in the bank drive-thru lane.” (I tried to find the emoji for ‘*&^*&’ but the closest is a round face with an upside-down smile and a tear rolling down its face.)
That’s it, I am outta here. Damn. A car has pulled up behind; no escaping.
All I wanted … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Title Talk’
By Gary Chalk
This week’s Living Retired column came about from two readers, and it may be music to your ears.
Stan in Arizona receives my column each week. Last week, Stan sent an email to Reg, who lives in Brantford, and myself saying, “This may make you feel old, The Beatles split up 49 years ago.”
Reg responded, “Imagine!”
I emailed, “Help! I Need Somebody,” to which Stan said, “I Want To Hold Your Hand’ while sipping a dram.” Then Reg piped in again, “You guys belong in a ‘Yellow Submarine.’” I couldn’t hold back, saying, “I would be claustrophobic in a submarine and end up with visions of ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.’” We all laughed at our responses using Beatles songs.
Well, all day ‘Yesterday’ I found I couldn’t ’Help!’ myself ‘Because,’ well, ‘This Boy’ realized that ‘In My Life’ without listening to The Beatles I was ‘Nowhere Man.’ Simply put, I was feeling old. ‘This Bird Has Flown’ and my ‘Ticket To Ride’ has gone.
Jan noticed the funk I was in and tried to cheer me up. When I walked into the kitchen ‘I Saw Her Standing … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Please Wait for Attendant’
By Gary Chalk.
I enjoy grocery shopping. What I do not enjoy is checking out.
There are two choices. I can push my cart to a cashier and have my fresh tomatoes rolled down the conveyer belt like 5-pin bowling balls. STRIKE! And have the cashier shot-put the prime roast into the bag and hit the sour cream — SPLAT! Or I can go to the self-checkout. What could possibly go wrong?
I steered my cart to the self-checkout and pressed ‘START’ on the screen. Easy peezy, right? Not so fast Mr. Piggly Wiggly!
A message appeared on the screen: ‘Place Empty Bags In The Bagging Area and Press Done When Finished.’ With the bags in the bagging area, I pressed ‘Done.’ That is when another message popped up: ‘Are You A Club Member?’ I pressed ‘NO.’ Just like that, the message changed to ‘Would You Like To Become A Club Member?’ Grrr, I pressed ‘NO.’ (Okay maybe I was a little forceful with my finger.)
With the basics out of the way I was good to go. I placed my carrots on the weighing device. The screen responded with: ‘Please Wait … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘Flatulent Flyer, Sake Solution & Other Notable Newsmakers’
By Gary Chalk.
With comments that much of the news is fake, I have come up with some news stories that are so outrageous they must be real! So, this cub reporter shines the light on the following whopper news stories…
When I heard about the woes of the passengers on a recent American Airlines flight from Phoenix Arizona to Auston Texas, I just knew the story wouldn’t well, err, blow over. This is what occurred…
As the plane taxied down the runway preparing for takeoff, it suddenly came to a stop. The crew in the cockpit had been notified there was way too much wind to takeoff, not outside on the tarmac, but wind inside the plane!
What was the big stink all about? Apparently, a passenger — let’s call him ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ — had consumed probably way too many re-fried bean burritos before boarding. Waiting for takeoff ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ didn’t hold back making his digestive system known to the other passengers, who in turn raised their own stink! They pleaded for the oxygen masks to be lowered inside the plane!
The flight attendants … Read the rest here Read More
Living Retired — ‘We Are What We Ate’
By Gary Chalk.
Time was tight to write this week’s Living Retired column. I was in a pickle, so I decided to write an A-to-Z primer about the food we ate growing up: artichokes to zucchini with a side dish of tofu.
I recall the early days of the Canada Food Guide developed by people far smarter than myself. They divided all the food into four categories: fruits and vegetables, grain products, meat, and dairy. Then, they came up with suggested serving sizes. To make it easy to understand the four food groups were displayed in a circle. Easy peezy.
My mother’s favourite food group was canned vegetables: canned corn (creamed), canned peas (mushy), and lunch-size bags of corned beef that she boiled in water. “Mom, I promise to eat everything on my plate if you serve something appetizing like LePage’s Wood Glue.”
If my sister and I finished eating everything on our plate without barfing, we would get our way with dessert sharing a pint of vanilla and chocolate checkerboard ice cream. We would drizzle a can of Lyles Corn Syrup overtop. This food group was recommended by dentists.
When I … Read the rest here Read More