Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Jun 10, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Open Mouth, Insert Foot’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I were discussing the differences between men and women. I was trying to make the point that men are, well, different.

“Jan, what would you say is the main difference between husbands and wives?”

“Gary, just so I am clear. Do you mean what is the difference between other husbands and wives? Or are you asking me what the difference is between you and other husbands?”

I knew where this was going but it was too late.

“Gary, take Rick for example. He can build anything and fix everything for Ruth. She is one very lucky woman.” I couldn’t disagree. Rick gives Bob Villa a run for his money.

Jan was on a roll…

“And then there is Ross. He creates such beautiful jewellery for Lorna. When she goes out, she looks spectacular!”

“Not to mention Lewis who cellars his own wine from his grape vineyard. I can only imagine how nice it must be for Susan to be married to a vintner.”

“And how about Doug. There is nothing he won’t try to make in the kitchen. Sandee enjoys the fruits of his labour.”

I couldn’t … Read the rest here

Read More

Posted by on Jun 3, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living retired — ‘Scales of Justice vs. Bathroom Scales’

Living Retired — ‘Scales of Justice vs Bathroom Scales’

By Gary Chalk.

Friday morning was a day to remember, that’s for sure. In mere hours, my weight fluctuated and my blood pressure rose — all before lunch! This is what happened…

Jan called to me in the bathroom. “Gary, have you weighed yourself this morning on the new set of scales you purchased? I need to submit our weights today for the diet challenge.”

“Dear, I am up one pound. No, I dropped a pound and a half.”

“Gary, make up your mind. Are you up a pound? Or, are you down a pound and a half? You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

I decided to try the new scales in another room. It was worse! “Jan, I am up two pounds here in the kitchen. I’ll try over in the den.” It turns out simply walking to the den added another pound. I was desperate. I ripped my clothes off and stepped on the scales in the hallway. Success! I lost three pounds walking between the den and the hallway — there is truth that exercise leads to weight loss!

I had to admit it: … Read the rest here

Read More

Posted by on May 27, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired –‘Why am I Here?’

Living Retired — ‘Why Am I Here?’

By Gary Chalk.

This is a conversation Jan and I had the other day. The identity of the people has not been changed to protect their identity because, well, I already said it is Jan and myself.

It all began when I called out, “Jan, why am I here?”

“Gary, that thought crosses my mind every day. I have no idea why you are here.”

“Jan, I am here in the bedroom bathroom. I know I came here for a reason, but now that I am here, I don’t know why I came?”

“Well Gary, after you figure out why you’re in the bathroom please remember to put the toilet seat down and spray room deodorizer.”

A couple of minutes later, Jan told me she had forwarded an email to me that I should read. That’s when it dawned on me: I had gone to the bathroom looking for my iPhone. So I returned, still no iPhone — although this time I did remember to put the toilet seat down.

It turned out I left my iPhone on the front seat in my car. I found it when I was looking for my … Read the rest here

Read More

Posted by on May 20, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘We Camped, Once!’

Living Retired — ‘We Camped, Once!’

By Gary Chalk

 

Sometimes we are as dumb as a box of Smarties. Case in point…

 

Years ago, during the week leading up to the May 24th holiday weekend Jan said, “Gary, let’s go camping.” I was shocked! “Jan, are you friggin’ nuts?”

 

I asked Jan what her attraction to camping is. Back flies the size of Buick Enclaves? Does she like to reek like a California wildfire? I even reminded her that we won’t have colour-coordinated decorator pillows to display on the air mattress. No luck.

 

Before you could say, “There wasn’t a river gushing through this campsite when we pitched the tent in the dark last night,” Jan and I spent the next seven days preparing for three days of insect bites, ants in our food, and packing flip flops, running shoes, rain boots, even nice shoes for the days it rains so hard you go into town for Chinese food.

 

Jan and I had different perspectives about our camping trip. Jan took a more practical view and was concerned about disgusting cobwebs in the communal washroom. Me? I took a more liberating perspective dreaming of peeing … Read the rest here

Read More

Posted by on May 13, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Dumb & Dumber’

Living Retired — ‘Dumb & Dumber’

By Gary Chalk.

I am relaxing on our patio writing this week’s Living Retired column. It feels good to set up the lawn furniture and be outside. I have a cool drink and my iPad.

Things just changed…

The next-door neighbour started his lawnmower. Then, Jan called me from over near the garage.

“Jan, I cannot hear you over the loud lawnmower. I am here on our patio.”

“Well Gary, it seems to me that if you couldn’t hear me, how did you know I said something?” Hmmm, I was, well, dumbfounded.

Jan explained, “Gary, I need you to please open the lid on this can of spray paint. You place your fingers on the cap where the arrow is. I can’t open it because I have a dumb finger.”

I can count on my fingers the number of times I have heard having a dumb finger — none. A numb finger, yes, but not a dumb finger.

A few minutes later from inside the kitchen Jan muttered something to me. I called, “Jan, how do you expect me to hear you when you are in the kitchen?”

“Gary, if you couldn’t hear … Read the rest here

Read More