Living Retired — ‘A Tinker’s Damn’
Living Retired— ‘A Tinker’s Damn’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
I seldom tinker trying to fix things around the house. Take our toaster, it religiously turns bagels into a burnt offering. I can count on Jan saying, “Gary I don’t give a tinker’s damn. Get a new toaster on Amazon.”
It’s the same trying to fix the bathroom tap that leaks like Living Retired men rushing to the toilet in the middle of the night. I can count on Jan to say, “Gary, call Carl. He will fix it without water leaking to the basement.”
Jan and I have a routine: she will say, “Gary, the light bulb needs to be replaced in the guest bedroom.” I say, “Okay I’ll get a replacement bulb and my hammer.” Of course, I am joking — sort of — but I have repeated this so many times that last week I actually did return with a lightbulb and hammer. It was a joke! But Jan grabbed the hammer and I dropped the bulb on the floor smashing it to smithereens.
Recently, our refrigerator ice dispenser stopped dispensing ice cubes. Instead, when I pressed my glass to the dispenser, crushed ice scattered all over the floor. I was in a quandary: tinker with it or stop drinking rum on the rocks. After walking around in soaked socks, I decided it was time to tinker…
“Jan, have you seen my hammer? I’m going to fix the ice cube dispenser.”
“Gary, I don’t want you tinkering. I hid your hammer with your saw, screwdrivers, cordless drill, and the level that bent when you dropped it from the ladder when you used it clean the eavestrough.”
Undeterred, I reached for one of my tools of choice: a kitchen paring knife. I removed the ice bin from the refrigerator and went to where I repair, okay screw up, stuff — the laundry room.
First, I emptied the ice cubes from the ice bin into the laundry room sink — then I chased the ice cubes that slid all over the floor.
Next, I grabbed the paring knife and began what professional tinkerers call ‘poking around.’
As expected, I quickly reached the next step, “Jan. I am in the bathroom. You didn’t hide the bandages, did you?”
“No Gary. When you tinker, I keep the bandages beside the supply of emergency tourniquets.”
With my bleeding under control, I was back in laundry room to tinker on the defunct ice dispenser — first I wiped up the melted ice cubes that seeped underneath the laundry cabinets. Then, I looked why it only dispensed crushed ice, not cubes. I didn’t know what to look for, but I did what professional tinkerers call a ‘look see’ of the ice dispenser. It looked cool to me.
As any true tinkerer knows, when you tinker with your refrigerator ice cube dispenser, you need a bag of replacement ice cubes to refill the dispenser when you finish. Before you could say, ‘Break the ice’ I dashed to the store. Back home I refilled the ice bin — then again chased the errant ice cubes scattered across laundry room floor.
Back at the refrigerator I installed the ice bin. It was time for my tinkerer’s tradition whenever I test my home repair projects. I prayed, “Lord, for Jans sake, please make this damn thing work. Amen.”
Suddenly! I had an OMG moment! The front control panel on our refrigerator has two buttons, one for ‘Ice Cubes’ and the other for ‘Crushed Ice.’ This was the OMG part: the ‘Crushed Ice’ button was on, instead of ‘Ice Cubes.’ I pressed ‘Ice Cubes’ and placed a glass of rum underneath. Ice cubes tumbled out! I thanked the Lord.
Two days later…
Jan called from the kitchen. “Gary, I told you not to tinker. We are back to crushed ice.”
I now enjoy rum on crushed ice.
Here is this week’s Living Retired Reader Poll. To vote press ‘REPLY.’
- I am crushed.
- Gary you must drive Jason to drink!
- My husband is impressed you use a level to clean the eavestroughs.
The answer to last week’s Living Retired Reader Poll was ‘My husband qualifies to teach the advanced level course on doing nothing.’
Living Retired is written by me, Gary Chalk and is published throughout Canada and the USA. If you would like me to speak at your service club, corporate event, or retirement party contact Gchalk@me.com
For more laughs click www.LivingRetired.press
