THE EVOLUTION OF MENS HAND WASHING
Men and women. We can’t even get on the same page when we wash our hands.
Women are from ‘Planet: Invigorating Eucalyptus Moisture-Rich Cleansing Bar with Essence of Soothing Organic Free-Trade Mexican Vanilla Bean.’
Men are from ‘Planet: There’s Hand-Soap???’
For men, washing our hands is a simple straightforward process.
First, we yank the tap handle open with enough force to replicate Yosemite’s Old Faithful geyser! Water gushes throughout the entire bathroom–an amount equal to when football players douse the Gatorade cooler over their coach. After we wash our hands, we dry them–on our pant legs.
University-trained archeologists–who are thankful Uber came along so they can find steady work–have unearthed evidence tracing men using their pant legs to dry their wets hands back to Fred Flintstone. To be honest though, Fred wiped his hands on his animal print dress–the one he topped off with a tie featuring a Windsor knot the size of Utah! I’m just saying.
Think about it. It was the Stone Age…
People lived in dingy, filthy caves–sort of like your kids college dorm room. But instead of drinking cheap beer and eating … Read the rest here
HOME CANNING AKA: DO-IT-YOURSELF BOTULISM
It’s that time of year again: home canning season!
Home canning is when amateur chefs toss away our fears of working with precision-engineered, finger-severing German knives and explosive gas stovetops. We turn our kitchen into a Heinz food processing line– but without the goofy hairnets and union-mandated breaks.
Here is my recipe to produce your very own supply of jam-size jars of food-born botulism…
First, drive out to a farm stand and purchase enough bushels of tomatoes, bags of cooking onions, and baskets of peppers to fill the trunk… of your spouses vehicle. I’m just saying.
Back home, the messy process of peeling and chopping the tomatoes, onions, and peppers begins. This is tedious and mind numbing– just like surfing through your 955 cable channels and your choice comes down to ‘Duck Dynasty’ or ‘Say Yes To The Dress.’
Chopping all the vegetables can lead to early onset carpal tunnel, so to help pass the time you can binge watch your favourite television series. Just make sure you don’t turn on CNN for the latest Trump gaffe! Remember you are holding sharp knives!
The main ingredient of any … Read the rest here
WHEN A BUNDLE IS A PILE OF STEAMING YAK DUNG
I was gobsmacked!!!
For the life of me I don’t know what got into my wife.
We were standing in the kitchen. Right out of the blue Jan suddenly blurted: “Gary, you have to call the cable company. You need to negotiate a big reduction in what we pay each month for our cable bill.”
Before I could scream “Are you friggin’ nuts!!” Jan added, “Our friends have done it. Why can’t you? You just have to be really mean and threaten them. Pretend you’re Trump.”
OMG! I knew in Jan’s mind this wasn’t fake news. She was serious.
I did what all middle age men in relax-fit jeans with onset postnatal drip do when confronted with such a demand: I passed out. Smack!
When I regained consciousness, Jan was wiping the blood where I banged my head on our kitchen granite countertop with under-mount double sink and single pull down tap!
Those two words– cable television– coming from your spouse are the worst thing middle age men want to hear. The other most popular two words are ‘upgraded appliances’ that homeowners … Read the rest here
IF A MAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE,
WHY DO THE TOILETS BACK UP?
WARNING: Reading the following will create a disgusting image in your mind. Some things aren’t very pretty. I’m just saying…
I was showering, dancing– see WARNING above– screaming at the top of my lungs the anthem that every middle age guy sings: Born To Be Wild…
‘Got your motor runnin’ (deep guttural animalistic sounds here),
Head out on the highway,
Lookin’ for adventure (more deep guttural animalistic sounds here),
And whatever comes our way.
Born to be wiiiillllld! Born to be wiiiillllldd!! Born… to… be……. wiilllllllllddddd!!!!’
Then, in a realistic rock and roll tantrum I smashed the living bejeebers out of my air guitar on the tub surround!
But then it happened…
I realized what this world needs isn’t more foreign-trained doctors driving taxis! What we desperately need is a shampoo that also automatically attacks and disintegrates hair balls gooping up the shower stall drain.
Think about it…
Why just use Ph balanced shampoo with extract of organic rainforest dung to eliminate dandruff, heal split ends, and add volume to your hair?
Wouldn’t it be better if there … Read the rest here
ROBERTSON SCREWDRIVER IS THE ‘SQUARE-SHAPED THINGY’…RIGHT?
Back to school.
Those three words launch parents into a tizzy. It’s their signal to lose their sanity and go nuts spending money they don’t have on their children. Here’s what I mean…
Sarah Sizeplus lives in Elephant Butte, New Mexico. Her son is a high school senior.
“I’m hopeful if I spend enough money on the idiot, he’ll study hard and get a job at a company with a defined benefit pension. Maybe he’ll become a lawyer and win a class action suit against a fast food joint for serving scalding coffee–wouldn’t that be nice? He could fly me to a Caribbean villa every winter.”
Sarah’s son doesn’t want to return for his senior year at high school.
“Honey let’s go shopping for some new clothes and shoes, pens and pencils, books and binders, and a backpack.”
“Mom I don’t want to go to school.”
“Okay I’ll buy you a new iPhone, an iPad, a Fitbit and some indelible markers so you can deface your locker.”
“Mom I also want a new car.”
“Okay dear how about a Hummer?
“Thanks mom. Can … Read the rest here
IMAGINE: A PHONE THAT IS ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO THE WALL!
There are 85 million baby boomers in North America– 170 million knee replacements!
To get a handle on baby boomers the government appointed a blue ribbon expert panel– now there’s an oxymoron! Their findings have been released in a report entitled, ‘Baby Boomers: Beyond Nasal Strips, Pickleball, and Figuring How The Hell To Get Their Grandchildren Into A Car Seat.’
The report highlights that baby boomers were first traumatized by their parents canapés–cheese whiz on celery sticks. As if that wasn’t enough, the report identified three other factors that defined the early years of baby boomers…
1. Baby boomers were the first generation to grow up with mothers who would lick a kleenex and wipe their child’s face– in public. Yuk!
2. Baby boomers were raised on Sunday night dinners of dried shoe leather–AKA: roast beef in a previous life, accompanied by canned cream corn.
3. Baby boomers grew up in homes where the telephone was a beast–2 pieces joined by a black cord, attached to the wall!
These days 2-piece telephones are called ‘land lines.’ Ours sits on the kitchen granite countertop. Nearby, we … Read the rest here