Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Eureka!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Sometimes I amaze myself with my ability to dream up useless products that need to be invented for people who don’t need them. This is what I mean…
I didn’t invent the pet rock.
I didn’t invent the thigh master.
And, I didn’t invent those dorky knee pads you see Living Retired guys wear overtop their pants when they’re traipsing through the house trying to fix stuff.
BUT I did come up with the idea that guys should pull those dorky knee pads overtop their pyjamas when they go to bed — so when we get up to pee during the night and trip over the decorator pillows all over the floor the damage to our knees will be less! Go ahead call me Gary Einstein.
Here’s what led to my latest go-to gadget…
If you are Living Retired you probably lose your iPhone every day, sometimes twice; okay three times. And if you are like me you often cannot find the key fob for your car, your wife’s car, often both! I also misplace my glasses, I put them down, but where? How about your wallet? Ever find … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘2026 Mother’s Day Address’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Mothers of 2026.
Thank you for this opportunity to speak to you, the wonderful Mothers in our lives.
My Living Retired colleagues have asked me to deliver a few words on their behalf.
I am not sure where to begin to express our heartfelt thanks for all you do for our families. So, I will start where distinguished speakers begin and speak from my heart: will the Toronto Maple Leafs EVER win the friggin’ Stanley Cup?
My Living Retired friends have many endearing memories of our wives as we celebrate Mother’s Day — bringing you breakfast in bed, taking you out for brunch, and arranging a godawful early morning tee-off time for the men’s league tournament on Mother’s Day.
Gordon asked me to thank his wife Mary for her understanding on that beautiful sunny Mother’s Day afternoon he spent pressure-spraying the deck. The damn wand got away from him and before he knew it, he accidentally removed the finish on the hood of her car. Gordon says, “Trust me. It will not happen again.”
Barry recalled his wife’s reaction to the time he accidentally squirted hemorrhoidal … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Much-ado About MRI’s.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Canadians Living Retired love to talk about their health, particularly having an MRI. This is what I mean…
“Thanks everyone for attending our 50th wedding anniversary. I would like to propose a toast. I know you cannot stand up but please raise your glass…”
“Donna, it’s been a terribly long wait, but I heard your MRI is happening soon.”
“Ken, it’s great to know the swelling in your knee is going down while you wait for your MRI.”
“Good luck Doug with your MRI later this autumn.”
“And the following friends with us are approaching their first anniversary waiting for their MRI: Sue, John, Jim, Becky, and Lindsey.”
“Did I miss anyone? Oh yes. How could I forget, Barlow! He sprained his paw this morning and is having an MRI as we speak at the veterinarian.”
Recently when Jan told me about my MRI appointment it was both good news and bad news.
“Good news Gary. The clinic called. The MRI on your forearm is Friday morning at 7:15.”
“Good news? Jan, I am Living Retired so I don’t get up until the crack of noon. I’d … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Anybody Know A Good Plumber?’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize-Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
There is a lot going on in the world these days. And there is a lot going on out of this world as well. I am referring to the recent Artemis II mission to the moon.
If you are Living Retired you remember the last NASA mission to the moon in 1972. Millions of people all over the world perched themselves in front of their television watching Gene Cernan walk on the moon — Tony Orlando missed it because he was here on Earth tying his ‘Yellow Ribbon Round An Ole Oak Tree.’
The Artemis II crew of four astronauts included a Canadian, Jeremy Hansen. One of their tasks was to conduct preliminary work to eventually build a permanent base on the moon for humans to live. First up, install speed bumps in residential neighbourhoods. But, as we learned, crap happens and the mission goal became: establish a Roto-Rooter franchise! Here is why…
Before liftoff, Jeremy and his fellow astronauts named their spacecraft ‘Integrity,’ saying it represents the trust and collaborative effort of the thousands of people who made the mission possible. NOT SO … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired: ‘Fired By Your Spouse!’
By Non-Winning Pulitzer Prize Columnist Gary Chalk.
We think we know our spouse, right? But do we? This is what I mean…
Many couples say it takes time Living Retired together to finally experience each other’s idiosyncrasies and quirks. Couples can only take so much until one of them snaps, “Remind me why I married you in the first place?” and the other barks back, “I liked it when you went to work every day.”
Be honest. Living Retired with your spouse all day everyday can be challenging. It comes down to the evolution of marriage: guys enjoy their LazyBoy, while women are hooked on colour-coordinated decorator pillows.
During our working career we developed a polite, professional way dealing with difficult jerks, oops employees. But when we are Living Retired, being polite is not a strategy. Jan and I had some fun kibitzing about this recently.
“Gary, how many times do I have to tell you when you dry the dinner dishes you need to put them back in the cupboards? You have to complete the job.”
“Jan what are you going to do? Fire me?”
“With that attitude Gary I wouldn’t have hired … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Clean Up In Aisle 3’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
So, you have been Living Retired long enough to have grown tired of the ‘All Golf, All The Time’ routine, the ‘All Morning With Friends At The Coffee Shop’ phase, and the ‘Covid Homemade Sour Dough Bread Weight Gain Plan.’ Now what?
When Jan and I met up with friends for dinner the other evening, we got chatting about our respective careers. One thing led to another and the discussion turned to this: What would each of us do if we could do it all over again; and money and stress weren’t issues. Would we have done something differently?
Mike said he would have done something entrepreneurial. “I would have been my own boss.”
Mikes wife said she wished she had gone back to school to get her MBA.
Mike turned to me. “So Gary tell us. What would you have done?”
I knew right away, “That’s easy for me,” I said. “I wouldn’t have cheered for the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s been 50 years with nothing to show for it.”
Jan spoke up, “Gary. Be serious for once.”
“Jan I was going to … Read the rest here
