Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘World Cup Update: 15,374 Fake Injuries Left To Go.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
There is no escaping it. FIFA — Fake Injury Football Actors — has the world in its grip. And the tighter the grip, the more we gripe.
We have finally passed the halfway mark of the tournament. As a Living Retired soccer newbie, from where I sit — buried in my Lazy-Boy recliner by empty Doritos bags and crushed Bud Lite cans — I would like to offer my gripes.
Much of my griping is all the fake injuries, which based on my projections, should by the end of the tournament, come in at about 15,374 — plus, but not minus. I am gobsmacked with what I see happening…
Watching the Canada Switzerland match a player (as you will read it must have been a Canadian) suddenly toppled head over heels! That was just the start. Before smashing to the ground he completed a triple axle, followed by a salchow — and if that wasn’t enough! — he grabbed his right foot and stretched it all the way up to behind his head AND MAINTAINED THIS POSE UNTIL HE FELL TO … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘What Were You Thinking?’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
A friend of mine who calls himself Handsome Doug said recently that many women complain that their husband does not listen to them. Handsome Doug said he was proud to say that he has never heard his wife say that to him. Come to think about it, so am I.
But there is something Jan says to me that I do remember, “Gary. What were you thinking?” This is what I mean…
Last week after I finished doing the laundry Jan held a pair of her summer slacks to her waist and cried, “I have worn them only once and you shrunk them! Gary. What were you thinking?” I said, “Jan I was too busy shrinking to be thinking.”
When I trimmed the hostas at the side of our house, Jan came out and took one look and said, “I asked you to trim the hostas, not obliterate them! Gary. What were you thinking?” I deadpanned, “Jan I had a beer I was drinking so I was too busy to be thinking.”
I can trace “Gary. What were you thinking?” back to my broadcasting career. … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘How To Unload Your Home In Todays Depressed Market’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Way back between ‘The Leave It To Beaver Era’ and ‘The Kardasian Era’, baby boomers bought their three-bedroom forever home with a two car garage on a large lot for $149,900. Over the years they finished the basement, did a kitchen do-over, twice; and added a patio, hot tub and an outdoor kitchen. Now, as empty nesters, rather than going though the hullabaloo over what colour the backsplash should be, they decide to sell and use the money to travel. My advice is ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ SERIOUS?
Today the market is what realtors call ‘soft’ which is gobbledygook for ‘Good luck trying to unload this thing!’ Undeterred, Living Retired couples arrange for an appraisal of their castle which comes in at — surprise! — $149,900! Here is the problem…
Without the extra money sellers cannot travel because the airlines jack up the price of tickets every other hour. This means having to search for an affordable B&B in a sunny location in a third world country with no internet, no running water, and for that matter, no B&B’s!
What’s a homeowner … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘How To Unload Your Home In Todays Depressed Market’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Way back between ‘The Leave It To Beaver Era’ and ‘The Kardasian Era’, baby boomers bought their three-bedroom forever home with a two car garage on a large lot for $149,900. Over the years they finished the basement, did a kitchen do-over, twice; and added a patio, hot tub and an outdoor kitchen. Now, as empty nesters, rather than going though the hullabaloo over what colour the backsplash should be, they decide to sell and use the money to travel. My advice is ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ SERIOUS?
Today the market is what realtors call ‘soft’ which is gobbledygook for ‘Good luck trying to unload this thing!’ Undeterred, Living Retired couples arrange for an appraisal of their castle which comes in at — surprise! — $149,900! Here is the problem…
Without the extra money sellers cannot travel because the airlines jack up the price of tickets every other hour. This means having to search for an affordable B&B in a sunny location in a third world country with no internet, no running water, and for that matter, no B&B’s!
What’s a homeowner … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘World Cup Soccer for Dummies.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
The entire friggin’ world is about to invade Canada, USA, and Mexico! Shirtless soccer fans wearing plastic horned-Viking helmets will drink, sing, chant, and march in the streets. Yes, it is the World Cup of Soccer.
The World Cup is similar to the Olympics, but without the French figure skating judges. The only thing that comes close here in North America are the van-driving little league soccer moms screaming at the top of their lungs: “BRANDON. I DIDN’T #$%$# LEAVE WORK EARLY JUST FOR YOU TO SIT ON THE %$# FIELD PLUCKING %$# DANDELIONS!”
I am not a big soccer fan. What I do know is that Brazil, Germany, Italy, Argentina, Spain, England, and The Netherlands are known for their soccer prowess — while, here in Canada we are known for our poutine prowess.
Another thing I know is that before a soccer game begins the tattooed, man-bun players walk on to the field holding the hand of a young child. This is soccer’s gesture of sportsmanship — before these same modern day Goliaths start running all over the field kicking each other in their … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Jul 18, 2026 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Eureka!’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
Sometimes I amaze myself with my ability to dream up useless products that need to be invented for people who don’t need them. This is what I mean…
I didn’t invent the pet rock.
I didn’t invent the thigh master.
And, I didn’t invent those dorky knee pads you see Living Retired guys wear overtop their pants when they’re traipsing through the house trying to fix stuff.
BUT I did come up with the idea that guys should pull those dorky knee pads overtop their pyjamas when they go to bed — so when we get up to pee during the night and trip over the decorator pillows all over the floor the damage to our knees will be less! Go ahead call me Gary Einstein.
Here’s what led to my latest go-to gadget…
If you are Living Retired you probably lose your iPhone every day, sometimes twice; okay three times. And if you are like me you often cannot find the key fob for your car, your wife’s car, often both! I also misplace my glasses, I put them down, but where? How about your wallet? Ever find … Read the rest here
