Posted by Gary Chalk on Apr 23, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘In It To Win It!’
By Gary Chalk
This may sound like something Yogi Berra would say but here goes: the best place to start is at the beginning…
One morning last week Jan came running into our bedroom. “Gary, I could hear you making a lot of loud groans from over in my office. I was afraid what I would see.”
What Jan saw made her eyes grow wide open. I was laying flat on my back on the mattress. I had my stomach sucked in and held my breath so long that my face was beet red.
“Okay Gary, please tell me why your pants are down at your knees. And why are you flailing around like Joe Cocker singing ‘Get By With A Little Help From My Friends?’”
“Dear, I am trying to put on my blue jeans. They are really tight. The dryer must have shrunk them.”
Still on my back, and using both hands, I writhed on top the bed to get the zipper done up. Whew!
The blue jeans were so tight I couldn’t even get up off the bed. I had to roll over and fall onto the floor. The … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Apr 17, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Don’t Press Your Luck’
By Gary Chalk.
In a recent Living Retired column ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ I wrote that Jan mentioned we had to replace our ironing board. I should have ironed out the details but before you could ‘Easy-On Spray Starch makes ironing easier’ I purchased a new ironing board. The day coincided with our anniversary. I should have known better…
You see many years back I wrapped a snow-shovel and placed it under the Christmas tree for Jan. IT WAS A JOKE! But Jan didn’t see the humour. She excitedly tore off the wrapping paper, took one look at the shiny shovel, and regifted it to me — right between my eyes!
Needless to say, that bruised my ego, not to mention my forehead. So, when Jan said we needed a new ironing board I knew better — I would buy an ironing board, but it would not be a gift. Instead, I waited for the perfect time to tell her about the features and benefits of our new ironing board.
“Dear, I bought a new ironing board. It has all the latest bells and whistles.”
“Gary. Where are you going with … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Apr 10, 2023 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |
Living Retired — ‘Jan Has Her Say’
By guest writer Jan Chalk.
Hi. This is Jan, Gary’s wife. According to Gary’s Living Retired column you know all about me. Well, let’s just say you shouldn’t believe everything you read.
Gary has written his Living Retired humour column for eight years now. He thinks it is side-splitting funny. I go along with him and let him have his way — even when the ‘truth escapes him.’
Until now I have kept my fingers away from his keyboard. But something happened to us a few weeks ago that I absolutely have to share with you — before Gary puts his spin on what he thinks happened. We were having dinner…
“Gary, the home security service came today to update our system. How did it go?”
Silence.
“Okay Gary spill the beans what did you do wrong?”
“Well, Jan it was going quite well. The service person was in the linen closet where the security system is wired. He called out for me to come and when I got there all I could see were his feet on the floor. His body was tucked inside the linen closet. He had one of those … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Apr 3, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired— ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’
By Gary Chalk.
Jan and I recently returned from a seven-day Caribbean cruise with our friends Rick and Judy. It was Rick’s 70th birthday and we all figured what better way to celebrate than spending time together in the sunshine. Well, not so fast ‘Mr. Fly By The Seat of Your Pants’…
“Jan, this is the last time I am going on a cruise if it means having to go through an airport.”
“Settle down Gary. It only took a couple of attempts and some assistance from the friendly Air Canada attendant to figure out how to print our boarding passes. But for the life of me how on earth did you manage to get your luggage tag stuck to your forehead? Other travellers are taking pictures. You’re going to end up on Facebook.”
Before we could join the line to go through Security, we had to get in the line to check our luggage. I heaved our suitcases up on the scale and held my breath. Jan prayed that she wasn’t over the limit.
Minutes later we were snaking our way through the Security line. Back and forth between the ropes. Finally, we … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Mar 26, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Careful What You Say’
By Gary Chalk.
Recently, Jan and I qualified to have our latest Covid-19 vaccine boosters. You know the routine: you check-in, present your health card, and then you are directed to have a seat where you wait for the next available nurse to call you up to her station to administer your shot. Easy-peasy, right? Well not so fast Dr. Fauci…
Our appointment to roll up our shirt sleeve got off on the right foot. Jan and I were sitting together waiting. Jan was called up before me. Afterwards we were instructed to go back and have a seat for five minutes before leaving. This is when things went haywire…
I sat down in the same chair I was perched on before I went up for my vaccine. Jan was already sitting, scrolling through the emails on her iPhone. So, I began doing the same. Without looking up I said, “I really enjoyed last night with you.”
No response.
“Dear, you didn’t answer me. I said I really enjoyed last night with you. Did you? I hope my muffins weren’t too hot for you.”
No response.
Just then, I looked up as the … Read the rest here
Posted by Gary Chalk on Mar 15, 2023 in Retirement Humour |
Living Retired — ‘Salad Queen Meets Muffin Man’
By Gary Chalk.
Over the years Jan and I have used different names that we affectionately call each other.
Some names I call Jan include ‘Dear,’ ‘Honey,’ and when I want to upset her ‘Janice.’
A few of the names Jan has called me include ‘Gary’ and well, hmmm, that’s pretty well it unless you include “Gary what the hell did you do that for?” Or “What were you thinking?” However, these names are so commonplace I don’t consider them special.
Last week we came up with some new names for each other. It happened as we were making a special dinner to celebrate our anniversary…
Jan was chopping vegetables for the salad when she suddenly proclaimed, “Gary, I like that I am the Salad Queen.”
Before I had a chance to respond with, “Janice what brought this on?” Alexa awoke and said, “Okay, playing ‘Dancing Queen.’”
‘Friday night and the lights are low, looking for a place to go, where they play the right music, getting in the swing, you come to look for king, anybody could be that guy.’
Just like that our kitchen was transposed into an Abba concert! … Read the rest here
