Living Retired: ‘AUTOMOBILE ALARMS’
‘Lane assist.’ Does your car have this feature?
The lane assist function ‘auto-matically’ triggers an alarm that notifies you as you careen down the highway in your SUV, that your 4,000 pounds of moving metal has drifted over into the wrong lane! This in a word is: FRIGGIN’ ALARMING! Full stop!
I’m thinking that drivers who rely on lane assist to keep in the middle of the road SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING! Imagine what it is like for the other motorists seeing a car coming head-on drift dangerously close to them – talk a bout a ‘Dodge’ in the headlight moment!
“How was the traffic coming home dear?”
“You know it was the damndest thing honey. The closer I got to the cars coming towards me, the more they began suddenly swerving into the ditch, ending upside down on their roofs. It is scary how many bad drivers are out there!”
“Yeah, I hear you dear. Surely something can be done to get these morons off the roads. I don’t know how such bad drivers can live with themselves.”
Lane assist is an example where technology and Covid-19 confinement collide. For almost an entire year we have … Read the rest here
Living Retired: ‘BAD BUTTER BROUHAHA!’
Don’t look now. But Canadians are in a real humdinger of a mess!
Everywhere you turn – next to hearing about the upcoming guest host on Jeopardy! – the news is all about the Canadian Covid Couple Confinement Controversy!
Here is the scoop…
Instead of concerning ourselves about important things with Covid-19 such as the vaccination rollout, keeping our children safe at school, or signing a petition prohibiting British Prime Minister Boris Johnson from standing at a podium looking like he combed his hair with an egg-beater, Canadians are all in a tizzy about… bad butter!
The basis of the bad butter brouhaha is that when Canadians spread butter on our morning toast these days we end up with a macabre mish mash of damaged dough.
It is so bad that Canadians are now the butt of international butter jokes – jokes that are ‘margarine-ly’ funny, so I am not going to ‘spread’ them here.
“Jan, do you find our butter is too hard to spread these days?”
“Yes, that is because you don’t remove it from the refrigerator soon enough so it can warm up to room temperature.”
“Jan, for you room temperature is … Read the rest here
Living Retired: ‘FACEBOOK FOOD PHOTOS’
Do you remember back in the days when you sat down for dinner and the first thing you did was say grace?
Things are different now.
These days before you put fork to food, someone will scare the bejeebers out of you when they suddenly leap from their chair screaming at the top of their lungs, “DON’T TOUCH YOUR PLATE! I need to get my iPhone to post a picture of our sizzling beef and broccoli stir fry.”
Instead of saying thanks for the meal we are about to eat, we pray for lots of ‘likes’ of our food photos on Twitter and Facebook.
“Jan don’t take the picture yet – I need to place chopsticks alongside the bowl. That makes it look like we are real foodies.”
“Gary, the last time you used chopsticks was at P.F. Chang’s – you created a scene when you dribbled dim sum dumplings down your shirt! Then, you kept announcing to the other diners as you were being escorted out that you don’t tolerate ‘wonton violence.’ It was so embarrassing.”
The focus on food photography for Facebook has gone to such extremes during Covid-19 that people are ‘chomping … Read the rest here
LIVING RETIRED: ‘FOLDING LAWN CHAIRS’
Birthday parties aren’t so much fun anymore. At least not compared to when we were younger. Back then, when we were invited to our best friends 4th birthday party the highlight was everyone blowing root beer out of their nostrils!
These days the highlight is opening the damn juice box for your grandkids 4th birthday and trying to poke the plastic straw through the seal without squirting sticky lemonade down your compression socks!
So, when Jan and I got an invitation to our friends outdoor, socially-distanced 70th birthday party recently, we knew there wouldn’t be any juice box mishaps. The worst part of the evening would be trying to set up our folding lawn chairs! These chairs haven’t been out since last summer when it was, well, still Covid!
For me folding lawn chairs go ‘waaay back.’
The folding lawn chair design is similar to lightweight umbrella strollers we pushed our sleeping, drooling kids around theme parks. Before that, women’s hips permanently protruded perilously from carrying the kids. So, Eureka! a flimsy stroller with curved handles and wobbly wheels that folded down into a stick-like thing was just what Dr. Spock ordered. Years later, someone … Read the rest here
LIVING RETIRED: ‘WINDOW WASHING WOES’
Ohh, the woes of washing windows with your wife!
Saturday started with Jan standing in our dining room beside the large window. I was outside, perched precariously on top a wobbly ladder stretching overtop soon-to-sprout prized peonies. The only thing between us is a friggin’ pane of glass. What could possibly go wrong!
“Gary, why do you insist on cleaning the windows standing up there on a ladder that teeters?”
“Dear, all ladders teeter. That is how they make them. Besides, don’t worry I am a lean mean window washing machine. I wish I were Italian so you could call me ‘Squ-eegi!’”
Before beginning, I Googled ‘washing windows’ and the first suggestion said, ‘married couples cleaning windows together should have a dispute resolution therapist on speed dial.’ Just saying…
Where we warehouse window washing wares is our wandry room – sowrry, I got carried away. I figure if we took all the ammonia in these products we could clean our oven – even get the gunk off the racks, make the crystal sparkle, clean Jan’s jewellery, and still have enough ammonia left over to start a fertilizer plant!
Our cleaners include, ‘Original Glass Cleaner’, ‘Vinegar … Read the rest here
Living Retired: ‘HELP! I WRECKED MY HOUSE’
It is now 6 months and Covid-19 couple confinement continues.
The routine is to eat all day. Then, after the evening dinner it is time for the ‘Covid-19 Couple Confinement Collapse’ — plopping into overstuffed sofas. And with that, it is time for another fulfilling evening of stimulating conversation.
“Jan, What the hell are we going to find to watch on television tonight?”
“Gary, you shouldn’t be so negative. We have 500 channels to choose from. There’s always something terrific to enjoy.”
We are watching the Aquarium Channel. Exotic fish are swimming left to right across the screen. Now they are swimming from right to left. Where is the television remote? I can’t find it fast enough — I’m down on my hands and knees like I’m playing Twister when Jan said, “Gary you look like a fish out of water while you flounder for the remote.”
It is no better on the Swiss Chalet Rotisserie Channel. Chickens on spits are going around and around like a Farris wheel. My mind drifts to pre-pandemic times: thick dipping sauce dribbling down my chin spilling onto my shirt; and Jan saying, “I don’t know why … Read the rest here