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Living Retired — ‘UGLY CHRISTMAS RUM SOCKS’

Posted by on Dec 6, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘UGLY CHRISTMAS RUM SOCKS’

Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the store to purchase a bottle of rum – and came out with a pair of ugly Christmas socks? Well, I am that guy. To be clear though I did buy the rum.

Here is my ugly Christmas rum socks story – note there will not be any ‘footnotes.’

Last week I was at a store standing in front of the display of my ‘go-to’ rum: Bacardi White. This is when I spotted the Bacardi Christmas promotion, one of those ‘In-store with purchase offers.’ Bundled around the top of each bottle was a pair of socks. The words on the wrapper said, ‘BONUS UGLY SOCKS. COLLECT ALL 3.’ I was sold.

At home I held up the socks for Jan to see. “Look Dear I got these free socks with my bottle of rum.”

Jan took one look at the socks. “Gary, if those socks ever set foot on your feet, make sure I drink the bottle of rum beforehand.”

Later that evening we went out to our friends Christmas open house. At the front door Jan and I said, “Seasons Greetings.” … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Merry Griswold’

Posted by on Dec 1, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘Merry Griswold’

The Christmas season is upon us – a time for tradition and hope. One of our family traditions is that I put up the Christmas lights outside our home. My hope is that they work!

My neighbour and I were chatting why we go through the painful experience hanging outdoor lights each December. We agreed that it comes down to one reason: our wives. How else can you justify climbing out of your Lazy Boy recliner on the coldest day of the year to stand 20-feet up in the air on a wobbly ladder – and then reach another 3-feet beyond your fingertips to attach blinking lights that do not blink onto razor-sharp aluminum eavestroughs!

I have learned a thing or two hanging Christmas lights over the years – mostly that although they come in numerous colours, I can bet my last rum and eggnog that when Jan sees them lit up they are the wrong colour!

“Gary, what on earth were you thinking? You had the audacity to hang red and green Christmas lights! You know we painted the house trim Olive Sprig green to contrast with the Sage colour on the eavestroughs.”

Something … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Shop Your Closet’

Posted by on Nov 21, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘Shop Your Closet’

Jan sure surprised me a few weeks back.

She came into the kitchen and right in front of the coffeemaker she placed her hands on her hips – and spun around in a circle. A perfect pirouette!

WOW! The first thing that came to my mind was she was practicing one of those moves figure skaters do at the Olympics. So, I did what any guy would do: I raced over to grab her waist and hoist her overtop my shoulders. My thinking was together we would glide across the kitchen towards the refrigerator. That was the plan. But just as I reached out for her I tripped on the damn throw carpet and fell in the sink!

“Gary, what on earth are you doing?”

“Jan, I was going to lift you up and do a triple axle throw like the skaters do at the Olympics.”

Jan was not impressed. She left the room shaking her head. Only then did she tell me what her kitchen spin was all about. “I was modelling a pair of my slacks with a sweater I found in my closet. I have not worn these things in two … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

Posted by on Nov 15, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

A recent study indicates 90% of women find their husband more attractive after he does the vacuuming.

“Jan, when I vacuum do I sweep you off your feet because I look like one of those sexy guys with long flowing hair on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel?”

“Gary, when you vacuum you wear your old paint-splattered sweatpants that droop down like plumbers pants. And those ridiculous red plaid slippers with the sole held on with duct tape! Lets just say you are not a pretty picture.”

I do the vacuuming to help keep the house clean; but mostly to help me find my socks!

“Jan, my sock drawer is empty. Do you know where they have all disappeared to?’

“Gary, I do not know. All I can say is that it must be time for you to vacuum again and clog the vacuum hose with your socks underneath our bed.”

Five minutes later I was buried up to my waist in massive loops of twisted plastic hose from our central vacuum. The family room floor looks like a giant octopus with me plopped in the middle. But wait. Something is … Read the rest here

Living Retired — ‘Something To Crow About’

Posted by on Nov 6, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘SOMETHING TO CROW ABOUT’

One of my household chores is to take the garbage to the curb Monday mornings.

This morning as I hauled the garbage bag and recycling box out from our garage I remembered the joke about the woman who slept in on garbage day. She looked out her bedroom window and saw the garbage truck across the street. YIKES! She jumped from the bed, threw an old housecoat overtop her well-worn pajamas, slipped into a pair of shabby slippers, and ran the garbage out. She hollered to the garbageman, “Am I too late?” He shouted back, “No jump in!”

Joking aside, for the past month my weekly garbage to the curb routine has taken a turn for the worse. So, in todays Living Retired column this is what I am going to crow about: before my garbage is picked up, my garbage is picked apart. By crows!

I make sure the garbage bags are tied tight. But by the time I am back inside our house – which as the crow flies is about 30 seconds – the crows swoop down and peck holes in the bag leaving a mess for me to clean … Read the rest here

Living retired — ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Posted by on Oct 24, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired – ‘AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY’

Here is my spin on washing the clothes in our household: it is a tag team event.

First, Jan and I wrestle pulling apart the rolled up balls of dirty socks scrunched inside out.

Then like a Japanese sumo wrestler takes his opponent to the floor, Jan grabs the laundry hamper and violently heaves it upside down! THUD! Dirty clothes flood the laundry room floor: 90% hers, 10% mine. Just saying…

“Gary, we need to separate all these clothes into loads.”

Soon, Jan is up to her waist in the massive mound on the floor!

By my count we end up with nine piles, or in laundry lowdown: loads.

There is the dark load. The light load. The bright load. And the white load.

But there is more!

There is the jeans load. The towel load. The delicate load. And the special garments load.

There is also what Jan says is the “Whatever you do Gary, DO NOT SCREW THIS LOAD UP!”

Peering out over our laundry room floor it looks like the Andes Mountain range: nine separate piles of wool, cotton, linen, silk, polyester, and something called ‘viscose’ – which intimidates the lights … Read the rest here