Living Retired — ‘World Cup For Dummies’
Living Retired — ‘World Cup Soccer for Dummies.’
By Non-Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Gary Chalk.
The entire friggin’ world is about to invade Canada, USA, and Mexico! Shirtless soccer fans wearing plastic horned-Viking helmets will drink, sing, chant, and march in the streets. Yes, it is the World Cup of Soccer.
The World Cup is similar to the Olympics, but without the French figure skating judges. The only thing that comes close here in North America are the van-driving little league soccer moms screaming at the top of their lungs: “BRANDON. I DIDN’T #$%$# LEAVE WORK EARLY JUST FOR YOU TO SIT ON THE %$# FIELD PLUCKING %$# DANDELIONS!”
I am not a big soccer fan. What I do know is that Brazil, Germany, Italy, Argentina, Spain, England, and The Netherlands are known for their soccer prowess — while, here in Canada we are known for our poutine prowess.
Another thing I know is that before a soccer game begins the tattooed, man-bun players walk on to the field holding the hand of a young child. This is soccer’s gesture of sportsmanship — before these same modern day Goliaths start running all over the field kicking each other in their pad-protected shins forcing them to collapse in pain apparently worse than childbirth!
Here is more of what I know about soccer…
The soccer referee — there is only one on the entire field! — blows a whistle when a penalty occurs. However, the player who committed the crime learns of his misdemeanour when the referee reaches into his pocket to select a suitable-colour Hallmark greeting card which he waves in the face of the villain.
Soccer is the only sporting event I can think of that has a guy whose job is to run along the sidelines from one end of the field to the other waving a large digital clock which identifies how much time remains for the players to do faceplants holding their shins, AND, how much additional time will be played because of these same players wasting time flopping onto the field feigning injuries.
And then there are the goalies. As the last line of defence, they stand in front of the goal which is a net large enough to trap a killer whale. So, to make themselves as large as possible, the goalies inflate their hands to 50 PSI and then tug colourful gloves on. Nothing is more intimidating to a soccer player running towards the goal than a goalie with powder blue Papa Smurf hands!
Not many goals are scored in soccer because the players are flailing around down on the ground trying to entice the referee to pull out one of his Hallmark greeting cards, AND, after all, those Papa Smurf hands are enough to scare the bejeebers out of players with man-buns. Much of the game stays goalless, or as they say in soccer, Nil-Nil, which drives fans, well, Willy-nilly! Finally! A player actually scores which surprises the daylights out of the announcer who lets out a bloodcurdling scream, “GOOOOOOOAAL!” With that the score is now 1-Nil. More Willy-Nilly.
And what is it with the substitute players waiting to enter the game? They sit protected from 40,000 drunken fans in a discarded plexiglass transit shelter. Just saying.
There’s no avoiding the World Cup Soccer, so let’s all just kick back.
Time for this week’s Living Retired Reader Poll. To vote press ‘REPLY.’
- It’s a bunch of hooligans doing shenanigans.
- GOOOOOOOAL!
- I think the Vikings should obliterate decorator pillows.
The answer to last week’s Living Retired Reader Poll is “I need an app that pulls my socks on so I don’t fall on the floor.”
Living Retired is written by me, Gary Chalk. If you would like me to speak at your service club, corporate event, or retirement party drop me an email.
Listen to Living Retired on the Radio Thursday mornings at 10:30 on The Mike Farwell Show on Kitchener.CityNews.ca
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