YOUR HOME IS YOUR PALACE– UNTIL ITS TIME TO SELL – Living Retired #142

Want to test your marriage? Put your house up for sale!

Homeowners– people who spend their weekends at Home Depot pushing shopping carts the size of 18-wheel transport trucks after the tires fell off on the highway– test their relationship when they sell their house.

“Honey, maybe we can trick someone to take this money pit off our hands!”

Experts– people who write how-to books about subjects they know little about– suggest homeowners should walk through their home as if they are a potential buyer.

To begin leave your grungy shoes at the front door. Then traipse through your house in your socks. Do you like what you see? Of course not! That’s why you’re selling!!

After you’ve toured your house you’ll have an appreciation for your kids university dorm room that resembles the Greek ruins– they learned from their parents!

The experts say that first impressions count. They call this ‘curb appeal.’

To get a handle on your homes curb appeal stand across the street in front of your neighbours house, and look back at your place.

Yep! The first thing you’ll notice is last Octobers rotten Halloween pumpkin smashed on the sidewalk, Christmas decorations dangling from the eavestrough, and newspaper advertising inserts frozen to the porch. No wonder the neighbourhood is a ‘designated slum.’

To sell your house you will need the services of a home stager and a real estate agent.

A home stager is a professional who comes into your home with the sole purpose of somehow making your pig sty look like the Taj Mahal. I wouldn’t say it’s a scam, but who else charges an hourly fee for insulting your decorating style as ‘early Melmac?’

The home stager uses phrases like, “This definitely needs to go!” which translated means ‘you and your spouse have about as much taste in home decorating as a dehydrated turkey!

Items that ‘definitely need to go’ include the kitchen granite countertop, the brushed aluminum kitchen appliances and the rainfall shower head in the ensuite bath– which were all installed only three months ago so you could have a Christmas Open House!

When the home stager can’t possibly eek out another hourly fee, their task will be complete. At this point your asking price just went up to recover the costs to replace everything that ‘definitely needed to go.’

Now it’s time for the realtor to come in…

The first thing the realtor says is, “So how much do you think your house is worth?”

“I don’t know. That’s why you’re here! Duh!!”

The realtors next responsibility is to break the news to you: your home isn’t worth what you believe it is.

The realtor will take professional photographs of your home and post them online. Any resemblance these photos have to what your house actually looks like is accidental.

The next task of the realtor is to host an Open House. You will be issued official eviction papers– to leave your home so your neighbours can snoop through the house.

Oh, there is one more job of the realtor: to tell you that the offers from potential purchasers aren’t as high as you’d like. No need to worry. After all, everyone knows when you list your house for sale there is the ‘asking price’ and the ‘selling price.’

This is when your negotiating skills will become evident; meaning your spouse will blurt out: “Dear, lets just sign the offer and get it over with!”