WHEN AN IRON ISN’T A GOLF CLUB- Living Retired #151

I had an epiphany!

Do you know why a woman prefers dining by candlelight at restaurants? It’s because her husband irons his own clothes!

I mean think about it…

Why would any woman want to be seen in public eating French foie gras with mustard seeds, sitting opposite her husband wearing his 100% cotton dress shirt with spread collar and adjustable button-mitred cuffs that looks like a wrinkled California dried prune?

Recently, our iron went on the fritz– right on cue: one week after the warranty expired.

At the store we looked at irons with retractable cords, nonstick coating, dual steam; even anti-calcium buildup irons, presumably for those concerned with kidney stones.

But the best was the iron that promoted– and I’m quoting here: ‘the stylish design will spice up your laundry room and bring excitement to every ironing job.’ I was sold!

We took a pass on the ‘promise of potential passion iron’ and decided on a Black & Decker iron– even though I thought Black & Decker was known for pneumatic trigger-pull staplers used to install tongue and groove flooring while fastening guys thumbs to their workbooks!

But this isn’t just a Black & Decker iron. It is a Black & Decker Precision Point Iron!

Now before you conclude that ‘Precision Point’ means the iron can be used in the Las Angeles hood to scratch expensive European automobiles, you need to understand that ‘Precision Point’ means– and I quote the large font on the box– the iron ‘easily irons around buttons and zippers.’

But there is more… lots more!

Our precision point iron features a nano ceramic non-stick sole plate, a slender sole plate tip, and a slip-resistant heel and heel rest!

It also has a variable steam selector that allows for steam surge and vertical steam for things like drapes.

“Honey, I’m in the dining room pressing your custom-made silk floor-to-ceiling drapes with our Black & Decker.”

“Dear! Settle down. I was only trying to help. I’ll get your blood pressure pills.”

The variable steam selector switch includes a special spray mist feature. Naturally, homemakers want all this water stored in– and I quote– a translucent water tank that also has a water-fill cover!

Come on! All I want is an iron to press my relax-fit, easy-care Dockers!

I’m not boasting but our new iron has its own trademarked auto-clean system. Plus a polarized plug and a tamper-resistant screw to prevent removal of the outer cover! Now I don’t know about you but to maintain my sanity while watching ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ with Jan I’ve never had the urge to take apart a tamper-resistant iron.

But there is even more…

The iron features a fabric select guide and a comfort grip handle! And believe it or not other features include a 360 degree pivoting cord with a power indicator light! And not a one-way, not a two-way… but a THREE-WAY automatic shutoff.

It also has a two-year limited warranty and comes with a set of IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS…

‘This appliance is not intended for use by persons (including children) with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities, or lack of experience and knowledge, unless they have been given supervision or instruction concerning use of the appliance by a person responsible for their safety.’

Jan broke the news to me, “Gary this iron isn’t for you!”

Then she called our son and his wife, “Dad needs wrinkle free, no-iron golf shirts for Father’s Day.” Wh