WE’RE WOEFULLY WIRED! – Living Retired #125
“Gary, can we set aside some time to clean up the mess of wires laying on the floor behind our television?”
Instantly I broke out in an uncontrollable sweat. I had the shakes. It was worse than when the government said they were bringing back the long version census form.
I had to think fast!
“Honey. Why don’t we go shopping for scented candles? Maybe have tofu for lunch.”
People don’t just have a television in their family room. They have what is called a ‘home entertainment system,’ a ‘media centre’… a WIRE MANUFACTURING CONGLOMERATE!
First things first…
I went to the basement to find the roll of bubble wrap that we used for moving.
Within minutes I twisted bubble wrap around my head all the way down my neck to my shoulders. I figured when I repeatedly banged my head against the wall kicking and screaming trying to clean up the mess of wires behind the television– I wouldn’t hurt myself.
That was the plan.
However, the doorbell rang.
Its not easy trying to see through bubble wrap. I felt like Lurch bouncing off the walls as I walked towards our front door.
I think it was a hot water tank salesperson– I couldn’t tell because he ran like a bat out of Hell when he took one look at me!
Time to start…
I looked behind the television. I shook my head. I had a beer.
I looked again behind the television. The wires were a blur. Or was it the beer?
Next I took a selfie and texted 🙂 to everyone. I don’t know what 🙂 means but it’s what everyone does!
We have a large screen television, a digital box, and a PVR that allows us to tape the hourly happenings of the Kardashians. There’s also the DVD player and a surround sound audio system with remote speakers including something called a woofer… and that’s just the components that I know the name of!
Then there are the remotes– all SIX of them!
Of course these remotes don’t work. So in their place we have something called a universal remote control.
Universal remote control– URC– is short form for: unbelievably ridiculously complicated!!
Who invented the universal remote control? Some person with way too much time on their hands? I mean our universal remote control has more features than Donald Trump has combs!
These features allow you to link the television with your home internet, link with your home phone system, and link with your home security system. I’m sure if I read the instruction manual I could link my universal remote control to my cars computerized navigation system that links back inside to our electric toothbrush with gum massage.
WHAT IT DOESN’T DO IS CHANGE CHANNELS ON THE TELEVISION!!
To link all our stereo components together we have 7 miles of coaxial cable. Coaxial means it’s expensive cable that you buy in lengths the size of a football field.
Jan said– and I couldn’t believe my ears– “Gary I think you should read the manuals.”
What was she thinking? These things are written by people whose English is their 4th language.
I’m not above pleading…
“Jan can we just call John?”
John owns a successful stereo shop. He sells televisions with screens the size of Rhode Island.
John’s real business though is divorce prevention. He accomplishes this by going out to people’s homes and unscrambling their wires! He also hires himself out as an expert defence witness at divorce trials for couples who attempted to do it themselves.
“Sure. I can come around Gary. I’ve got an opening in December… 2017.”