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Posted by on Aug 10, 2015 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

WATER WATER EVERYWHERE! – Living Retired #113

WATER WATER EVERYWHERE! – Living Retired #113

Home handymen know that when it comes to plumbing there are three rules.

First, plumbing leaks spring exactly one hour before your wife is hosting her bridge club.

Second, water always runs downhill… usually to the carpeted basement floor directly below the clogged bathroom drain you’re repairing.

Third, the odds are stacked against homeowners being able to repair a leaky tap– it ain’t gonna happen. So save the plumbers grease and call a plumber.

Today there is a growing movement to ban ‘do-it-yourself plumbing.’ It is being led by women whose husbands have basement workshops with boxes full of unopened tools sitting on top of never used table saws. The women call their organization EIEIE: ‘Enough Is Enough Is Enough!’

When I decided the time had come to fix a clogged drain, my wife had the nerve to say, “Gary why don’t you call a plumber?”

Of course that wasn’t in the cards.

Proper Plumbing Protocol (PPP) demands that a home handyman delays calling a plumber until: after the water begins to pool on the floor under the clogged drain he is repairing….which leaked down to the finished basement… which led to his wife slipping when she came running down the stairs to see what all the ruckus was about… which led to her scream, “I don’t know why I put up with this!!”

First thing first: recite the home handyman’s Plumbers Prayer.. ‘Dear God. Bless this wrench. Please help my wife understand that I was only trying to help.’

Do-it-yourself plumbers need to appear that they know what they are doing. To look like a professional plumber means putting on a pair of plumbers pants. A pair of rappers pants will create the same effect, which is a low waistline, if you know what I mean. No wise cracks please.

WARNING: plumbers pants should only be worn when you are home alone. And by all means, remember if the doorbell rings and you open the door wearing plumber pants you will scare away whoever is at the door– which is a good thing if it is a hot water tank salesperson!

The next thing to do is to prepare the worksite.

In plumbing you can be sure that the workplace will be too small. They place plumbing fixtures in areas that are impossible to get at. This is why tool manufacturers invent flexible flashlights and wrenches. It is also why home handymen swear.

Next, assemble the necessary tools to fix the clogged drain: screwdrivers, hammers, a drain snake, a plunger, a flashlight, paper towels, rags, a wet vacuum and finally your iPad. The iPad is what you use to frantically type in: ‘S#%T! There is water everywhere!’

Speaking of wrenches what’s with the adjustable wrench? Any do it yourself handyman knows full well: an adjustable wrench never adjusts to the pipe you’re working on!!

You can always spot a home plumber who doesn’t like his neighbours. He’s the one with an old porcelain toilet containing a colourful arrangement of flowering annuals out on the front lawn. It began with replacing a leaky O-ring… that led to a chipped porcelain toilet caused by over-tightening the bolts. This house is located directly beside a house with a For Sale sign.