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Posted by on Feb 1, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

PSSST… HERES MY TIP TO REVIVE OUR ECONOMY – Living Retired #136

PSSST… HERES MY TIP TO REVIVE OUR ECONOMY – Living Retired #136

I had an epiphany!

I would have told you earlier. However, I couldn’t spell epiphany!

So I tuned in the national spelling bee contest. But, the really smart Asian kids weren’t on the episode I watched so the tough difficult words were held back.

Here’s my epiphany…

I have concluded that the trouble with our economy is that we depend on really smart, university-educated people called ‘economists’ to tell us how to fix it.

These economists spend the winter living in expensive Caribbean villas– stuffing bags of money into offshore banks. To be fair, they are not avoiding paying corporate taxes; they can’t stomach watching the Toronto Maple Leafs all winter!

The economists leave the business to be run by their upper management staff. These are people called ‘Interns.’ Interns are also really smart, university educated people. They just haven’t learned they don’t need to work for free.

Eventually, the really smart, university-educated Interns make an official economic statement. It is something along the lines of, “Relying on a theoretical construct representing economic processes by a set of variables and a set of logical, quantitative relationships.”

In other words: ‘our economy has gone to hell in a hand basket.’

It … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 25, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

PSSST… HERES MY TIP TO REVIVE OUR ECONOMY – Living Retired #136

MARRIAGE SATISFACTION LINKED TO FURNACE THERMOSTAT. – Living Retired #135

Marriage experts– lawyers who practice divorce law in between expensive golf junkets– have discovered the leading cause of marital breakups.

No surprise here. It’s the furnace thermostat!

Think back to your wedding vows…

There was something about ‘for better or for worse.’ But nothing about a furnace thermostat. You were pronounced husband and wife; kissed; then walked down the aisle in clothes that never fit again.

Now it’s thirty years later…

Husbands traipse through the house wearing baggy sweatpants with paint splotches; the ripped bum sags down at the knees revealing… Whoa, okay I won’t got there! Every husband knows his mission is to A) leave the toilet seat up; and B) turn the furnace thermostat down.

Wives meanwhile run around behind their husband screaming, “If the doorbell rings you can’t answer it looking like that!” Her life is spent A) putting the toilet seat back down; and B) cranking the thermostat back up!

Men and women agree on one thing. The thermostat is connected to the furnace which is a device located in the basement whose primary purpose is to store the Christmas decorations beside.

Of course you can’t just have a furnace these days. No, it has to … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 18, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

PSSST… HERES MY TIP TO REVIVE OUR ECONOMY – Living Retired #136

AMAZING NEW DIET: ‘COD’ – Living Retired #134

Peoples eating habits change in January.

Men resort to folding slices of pizza in half– douse hot sauce overtop– and stuff them into their mouth while watching playoff football on television.

Women begin their annual– no news here– New Years diet!

It’s the New Years diet that didn’t work last New Years, or the previous New Years…

They crunch on tasteless food called melba toast. Evenings are spent recording their fibre intake.

Three weeks later men burp; step on the bathroom scales; and nonchalantly report they’ve lost eight pounds.

Then they burp again; flop back on the lazy-boy sofa and scream, “Kick a field goal!”

Women. Well they sneak into the bathroom, close the door… and sob. They scream, “It’s just not fair!”

I’m here to tell you that there’s a better diet these days. It’s a diet that’s worthy of Wolf Blitzer talking about nonstop until Jeb Bush’s poll numbers swell to the size of Donald Trumps ego.

With this diet there are no calories; no sugar; no fat; no sodium; no cholesterol; no proteins; no carbs… no nothing!

I’m sure by now you’re screaming, “Ah come on Gary. Please tell us about your sure fire way to lose … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 12, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

‘HAPPY…YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!’ – Living Retired #

It’s January.

Married couples suddenly suffer from a condition sociologists call ‘coming to their senses.’ It happens when the December credit card statement arrives!

Men explode with an artery-busting, bloodcurdling scream: “YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!!”

From the next room women react quietly: a rolling of their eyes. In rare cases some mutter under their breath, “For heavens sake. Now what!”

Therapists suggest that couples ‘coming to their senses’ should organize a family meeting. It’s recommended the meeting take place after women return the Christmas present their husband bought at Victoria Secret.

The purpose of the family meeting is to have the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year.’

Similar to workplace meetings Human Resources organize, couples can decide if they want to kick off the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ with a silly icebreaker game– after which everyone mentally checks out and plays Scribblenauts on their iPhone.

The ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ has one topic: to discuss family finances.

A point of clarification….

There really isn’t a ‘discussion’ per se. Yes the meeting may start out with a civil, pleasant exchange of ideas on how to turn around the family finances that resemble the economic outlook … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Jan 12, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

PSSST… HERES MY TIP TO REVIVE OUR ECONOMY – Living Retired #136

‘HAPPY…YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!’ – Living Retired #133

It’s January.

Married couples suddenly suffer from a condition sociologists call ‘coming to their senses.’ It happens when the December credit card statement arrives!

Men explode with an artery-busting, bloodcurdling scream: “YOU SPENT HOW MUCH? ON WHAT!!”

From the next room women react quietly: a rolling of their eyes. In rare cases some mutter under their breath, “For heavens sake. Now what!”

Therapists suggest that couples ‘coming to their senses’ should organize a family meeting. It’s recommended the meeting take place after women return the Christmas present their husband bought at Victoria Secret.

The purpose of the family meeting is to have the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year.’

Similar to workplace meetings Human Resources organize, couples can decide if they want to kick off the ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ with a silly icebreaker game– after which everyone mentally checks out and plays Scribblenauts on their iPhone.

The ‘Inaugural Argument of the New Year’ has one topic: to discuss family finances.

A point of clarification….

There really isn’t a ‘discussion’ per se. Yes the meeting may start out with a civil, pleasant exchange of ideas on how to turn around the family finances that resemble the economic outlook … Read the rest here

Read More