Living Retired — ‘In It To Win It!’
By Gary Chalk
This may sound like something Yogi Berra would say but here goes: the best place to start is at the beginning…
One morning last week Jan came running into our bedroom. “Gary, I could hear you making a lot of loud groans from over in my office. I was afraid what I would see.”
What Jan saw made her eyes grow wide open. I was laying flat on my back on the mattress. I had my stomach sucked in and held my breath so long that my face was beet red.
“Okay Gary, please tell me why your pants are down at your knees. And why are you flailing around like Joe Cocker singing ‘Get By With A Little Help From My Friends?’”
“Dear, I am trying to put on my blue jeans. They are really tight. The dryer must have shrunk them.”
Still on my back, and using both hands, I writhed on top the bed to get the zipper done up. Whew!
The blue jeans were so tight I couldn’t even get up off the bed. I had to roll over and fall onto the floor. The … Read the rest here Read More
I’m Gary Chalk and I approve this political message.
Do you know the difference between Canadian and American election campaigns?
The American presidential campaign drags on for more than a year! To be fair the candidates develop important policy papers on economic and healthcare reform– while flying in their campaign plane watching Bubble Guppies on Nickelodeon.
Canadians elect our Prime Minister in only 2 months! We don’t bother with education and healthcare reform. We have to get the voting over so we can travel to Florida to lineup for ‘Early Bird All-You-Can-Eat’ dinner buffets.
I’m convinced that Canadians can learn a thing or two about electing our politicians by watching the current American election campaign.
Let’s start with Wolf Blitzer. When does this guy sleep? He’s on CNN more than the Kardashians are on Twitter!
As fas as I can determine CNN has three types of news stories…
1. ‘BREAKING NEWS.’
2. ‘DEVELOPING STORY’ and,
3. ‘STORY YOU DON’T WANT TO TURN YOUR TELEVISION OFF BECAUSE IT MAY BE BECOME BREAKING NEWS THAT LEADS TO A DEVELOPING STORY.
Here is how it works….
‘BREAKING NEWS’ is when Donald Trump makes one of his innocuous comments to add some substance to … Read the rest here Read More
The following is intended for mature audiences. If disturbing images such as Donald Trump in a wind tunnel make you squeamish consult a physician, a trained medical professional or Doogie Howser.
Today I am going to prove that the image of a middle-age man buying a bathing suit is not pretty– it’s worse than a road trip with your kids projectile vomiting in the backseat.
Imagine in your mind: a middle-age Canadian man trying on bathing suits in a department store. It’s February.
The picture as the change room door opens is downright scary…
The winter parka and Duck Dynasty toque are in a heap on the change room floor. Standing in the doorway is a live specimen of a middle-age man in a bathing suit. His belly droops over the waistband. Two skinny ‘winter white legs’ stretch down to the floor.. revealing mismatched socks with holes.
It is enough for women to cancel the trip south.
Recently my wife loaded me up with so many bathing suits to try on in the men’s change room, that I looked like a pack mule trekking up the Andes Mountains.
The first bathing suit was called, ‘Trunks.’ It was pretty … Read the rest here Read More
I can feel the love.
It happens every night watching television…
Glitzy commercials sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry speak to millions of middle age men: guys who always hoped for a BMW, but these days hope for a BM!
Announcer: “Do you suffer from elevated blood pressure? High cholesterol? Post nasal drip? Occasional constipation? Irritable bowel syndrome? Bloating? Excessive annoying gas? Diarrhea? Hemeroids?”
In the background of the commercial there are real live men and women– supposedly happily married couples– hiking through the woods, swinging side-by-side in a hammock, or even taking ballroom dancing lessons! They are actually holding hands, and get this, smiling.
If you weren’t sick before the commercial, you puke as soon as you see it!
The pharmaceutical companies do a wonderful job discovering new drugs to treat diseases… and satisfy shareholders.
First, they spend years in a laboratory spending gazillions of dollars finding a disease to treat— preferably one that can be covered by a drug plan.
Then working on rats– the closest species to middle age men– they develop an expensive pill. It will be years until the pill begins to save lives because that’s how long it takes to obtain a Patent.
According … Read the rest here Read More
Do you want another expression for ‘to hell and back?’
How about ‘kitchen renovation.’
A kitchen renovation happens when couples discover they’ve got some some extra cash kicking around– after they have spent their hard-earned paycheck on lottery tickets and Netflix.
They consider putting the newfound money towards their children’s college fund. Or perhaps top up their grandchildren’s education account.
However, they come to their senses: granite countertops and subzero built-in appliances win out.
WHOA! Hold on ‘Mr. & Mrs. Do You Know What You’re Getting Into!’
A kitchen renovation adds beauty, warmth and style to your home. But it comes with what’s called in the industry, ‘unforeseen expenses’– which is another way of saying, ‘asbestos removal.’
Guys when your wife says, “Honey, let’s redo the kitchen” investigate her recent television viewing habits. I’ll bet she’s been watching home renovation programs on cable television where the builders have terrific tools and television teeth.
After you’ve tried to convince your wife that a kitchen renovation is pushing the ’till death do us part’ vow, it is time to select a kitchen renovation builder.
To gather a list of kitchen renovation builders Google: ‘men with tools who eventually show up.’
Here … Read the rest here Read More