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Posted by on Mar 7, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

POOP: PARTY OF OPPORTUNISTIC POLITICIANS – Living Retired #141

POOP: PARTY OF OPPORTUNISTIC POLITICIANS – Living Retired #141

I’m Gary Chalk and I approve this political message.

Do you know the difference between Canadian and American election campaigns?

The American presidential campaign drags on for more than a year! To be fair the candidates develop important policy papers on economic and healthcare reform– while flying in their campaign plane watching Bubble Guppies on Nickelodeon.

Canadians elect our Prime Minister in only 2 months! We don’t bother with education and healthcare reform. We have to get the voting over so we can travel to Florida to lineup for ‘Early Bird All-You-Can-Eat’ dinner buffets.

I’m convinced that Canadians can learn a thing or two about electing our politicians by watching the current American election campaign.

Let’s start with Wolf Blitzer. When does this guy sleep? He’s on CNN more than the Kardashians are on Twitter!

As fas as I can determine CNN has three types of news stories…

1.      ‘BREAKING NEWS.’

2.      ‘DEVELOPING STORY’ and,

3.      ‘STORY YOU DON’T WANT TO TURN YOUR TELEVISION OFF BECAUSE IT MAY BE BECOME BREAKING NEWS THAT LEADS TO A DEVELOPING STORY.

Here is how it works….

‘BREAKING NEWS’ is when Donald Trump makes one of his innocuous comments to add some substance to … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Feb 29, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

MIDDLE-AGE MEN BUYING BATHING SUITS – Living Retired #140

MIDDLE-AGE MEN BUYING BATHING SUITS – Living Retired #140

READER ALERT…

The following is intended for mature audiences. If disturbing images such as Donald Trump in a wind tunnel make you squeamish consult a physician, a trained medical professional or Doogie Howser.

Today I am going to prove that the image of a middle-age man buying a bathing suit is not pretty– it’s worse than a road trip with your kids projectile vomiting in the backseat.

Imagine in your mind: a middle-age Canadian man trying on bathing suits in a department store. It’s February.

The picture as the change room door opens is downright scary…

The winter parka and Duck Dynasty toque are in a heap on the change room floor. Standing in the doorway is a live specimen of a middle-age man in a bathing suit. His belly droops over the waistband. Two skinny ‘winter white legs’ stretch down to the floor.. revealing mismatched socks with holes.

It is enough for women to cancel the trip south.

Recently my wife loaded me up with so many bathing suits to try on in the men’s change room, that I looked like a pack mule trekking up the Andes Mountains.

The first bathing suit was called, ‘Trunks.’ It was pretty … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Feb 22, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

DEEP CAW CAW. – Living Retired #139

DEEP CAW CAW. – Living Retired #139

 

I can feel the love.

It happens every night watching television…

Glitzy commercials sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry speak to millions of middle age men: guys who always hoped for a BMW, but these days hope for a BM!

Announcer: “Do you suffer from elevated blood pressure? High cholesterol? Post nasal drip? Occasional constipation? Irritable bowel syndrome? Bloating? Excessive annoying gas? Diarrhea? Hemeroids?”

In the background of the commercial there are real live men and women– supposedly happily married couples– hiking through the woods, swinging side-by-side in a hammock, or even taking ballroom dancing lessons! They are actually holding hands, and get this, smiling.

If you weren’t sick before the commercial, you puke as soon as you see it!

The pharmaceutical companies do a wonderful job discovering new drugs to treat diseases… and satisfy shareholders.

First, they spend years in a laboratory spending gazillions of dollars finding a disease to treat— preferably one that can be covered by a drug plan.

Then working on rats– the closest species to middle age men– they develop an expensive pill. It will be years until the pill begins to save lives because that’s how long it takes to obtain a Patent.

According … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Feb 15, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

DIVORCE BY KITCHEN RENOVATION. – Living Retired #138

DIVORCE BY KITCHEN RENOVATION. – Living Retired #138

 

Do you want another expression for ‘to hell and back?’

How about ‘kitchen renovation.’

A kitchen renovation happens when couples discover they’ve got some some extra cash kicking around– after they have spent their hard-earned paycheck on lottery tickets and Netflix.

They consider putting the newfound money towards their children’s college fund. Or perhaps top up their grandchildren’s education account.

However, they come to their senses: granite countertops and subzero built-in appliances win out.

WHOA! Hold on ‘Mr. & Mrs. Do You Know What You’re Getting Into!’

A kitchen renovation adds beauty, warmth and style to your home. But it comes with what’s called in the industry, ‘unforeseen expenses’– which is another way of saying, ‘asbestos removal.’

Guys when your wife says, “Honey, let’s redo the kitchen” investigate her recent television viewing habits. I’ll bet she’s been watching home renovation programs on cable television where the builders have terrific tools and television teeth.

After you’ve tried to convince your wife that a kitchen renovation is pushing the ’till death do us part’ vow, it is time to select a kitchen renovation builder.

To gather a list of kitchen renovation builders Google: ‘men with tools who eventually show up.’

Here … Read the rest here

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Posted by on Feb 8, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

HOME PLUMBING FOR DUMMIES. – Living Retired #137

HOME PLUMBING FOR DUMMIES. – Living Retired #137

This is a Living Retired ‘Teachable Moment.’

Fact: Everything men know about home plumbing repair was learned while standing at a public urinal. Right there in front of our eyes it says, ‘American Standard 0.5- 3.8 Lpf/ 0.125- 1.0 gpf.’

So Jan surprised me the other day when she said, “Gary can you fix the trap in the bathroom sink. It really smells.”

Ahhh! This explained why she was wearing a white surgical cotton mask over her face like she lived in Bejjing.

A bathroom sink trap serves two purposes.

First, it prevents nauseous gases from coming back into the bathroom… and competing with the other nauseous gases in the bathroom. This saves on having to purchase ‘Natural Lotus, Ginger & Water Lilly’ scent room deoderizor.

Second, the trap catches all the appropriate items that are disposed down the sink: Dove handsoap suds, blobs of Colgate clean mint toothpaste– complete with screw cap, enough dental floss to supply a Caribbean island, and tiny 2-seater SMART cars!

I considered fixing the bathroom sink trap myself. This would be accomplished by pouring buckets of caustic chemicals down the sink, creating poisonous fumes resembling a major tire fire.

Of course Jan knows me … Read the rest here

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