STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN! – Living Retired #116

READER ALERT: what you about to read stinks.

I was standing in our bathroom squeezing toothpaste– Cinnamon Burst flavour– on my toothbrush.

I looked down at a decorator candle on the vanity. The label written in a fancy-smancy font said ‘Honeysuckle & Magnolia.’ It described the scent as– I’m telling the truth here– ‘a bouquet of honeysuckle and magnolia kissed with white floral nectar then settles upon silky amber and white musk notes for a sensual finish.’

I felt like I was going to puke.

Cinnamon Burst and Honeysuckle & Magnolia scents were just the beginning…

I flossed my teeth with Refreshing Wintergreen flavoured dental floss. For mouthwash I used something named Minty Fresh Breath.

I quickly washed my face with Tropical Lemon scented hand soap.

The shaving gel was Fresh Lime scent; I splashed on some Fresh Forest aftershave.

Then I jumped in the shower and lathered with Passion Fruit scented soap. My shampoo was Orange Blossom; followed by Wild Cherry conditioner.

I dried off and put on deodorant: Pure Sport scent.

I got dressed in clothes washed in Moonlight Breeze scented detergent; rinsed in Island Fresh fabric softener before being tossed in the dryer with an Apple Mango scented dryer sheet.

I was ready to start the day: smelling like I had potluck at a perfume factory!

What our country needs– besides senators who submit housing expenses for only one primary residence– is a national strategy on scents.

We need a place where manufacturers of things that stink– I’m not talking about the Toronto Maple Leafs, I mean companies that make personal hygiene products– can register their scents.

It would be named the ‘Conflicting Odours Department’– COD for short. COD would be located in Newfoundland.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“You have reached COD. If something smells fishy, you have come to the right place.”

“Your call is VERY IMPORTANT to us. Please listen carefully as our extensions have recently changed.”

“Press 1 to participate in our office football pool. Press 2 to listen to the ‘Newfie Joke of the Day.’ For all other inquiries please remain on the line. All our operators are painting their nails- someone will be with you shortly as we use fast dry polish.”

Mandatory instrumental music comes on– ‘That Smell’ by Lynyrd Skinner.

“Hello it’s a wonderful day at COD. How can I help you?”

“Hi. I’m developing a new underarm deodorant. Our target audience is middle age men who wear a baseball cap at the kitchen table, eat beef jerky and drink beer, so we will be advertising on Duck Dynasty. I’d like to register our scent.”

“Certainly. I’ll forward your call to our Armpit Department.”

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Hi. This is Rose Bouquet, Vice President of Perspiration. How can I help you?”

So there you have it. Making sense of scents makes good sense to me.