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Posted by on Jan 4, 2016 in Retirement Humour |

SNOW TIRE BEJEEBERS! – Living Retired #132

SNOW TIRE BEJEEBERS! – Living Retired #132

Think Canada and what comes to mind?

Mounties. Maple syrup. Moose.

Oh yeah… and snow tires.

People who sell snow tires use a very convincing approach in their advertising: intimidation.

They scare the bejeebers out of everyone by showing videos of motorists– make that morons– who couldn’t stop their vehicle as it slid out of control across frozen Lake Erie!

They also scare the bejeebers out of everyone by selling snow tires at prices higher than Donald Trumps polling numbers!

The other evening the television newscast sent a reporter out to do a hard hitting investigative expose on snow tires. The graphic on the screen said ‘BREAKING NEWS!!!’– apparently a reference to the motorist whose car was breaking through the ice into Lake Erie.

“Hi. I’m in front of Snow Tires ‘R Us. Actually I’m across the street because when the owners saw our television satellite truck and cameras coming they locked the door and turned the lights off.”

“Wait. Standby. There’s something happening.”

Immediately on the television screen a new graphic appears: ‘DEVELOPING STORY!!!’

“I can see the tire installers sneaking out through the back door beside the overflowing hazardous materials container. They appear to be wearing A&P shopping bags over their head.”

Back in the television studio the television anchor– with perfect hair and teeth– can be heard telling the traffic helicopter pilot to zip around and have the cameraman zero in on the overflowing hazardous material container.

The reporter continued..

“We have been provided this statement from the tire shops legal counsel that says: “Our employees are hiding their identity because they were the losing federal Conservative Party election strategists. It has nothing to do with the price of our snow tires.”

The television reporter soldiered on– with her television hair shellacked in place.

To demonstrate if your tires have enough tread, the reporter bent down beside a typical car tire: a black blob of rubber riddled with white marks left by parking enforcement officers patrolling downtown streets.

“If you can place a penny in between the treads on a tire and more than half of it is visible it means you need new tires.”

The penny test works well because everyone has a penny in their pocket– that’s all that’s left after spending their hard earned pay check on lottery tickets!

The decision to install snow tires comes down to personal preference.

If you want to drive during a wicked snowstorm AND be able to safely text AND hold a Tim Hortons double double coffee between your knees… AND your employer contributes to your defined benefit pension plan– then consider investing in snow tires.

If, on the other hand, you are having difficulty living pay check to pay check AND purchasing weekly lottery tickets… AND complaining about the increase in the cost of a case of beer– then perhaps you should consider not driving during snow storms. Instead, send your spouse out to pick up the chicken wings while you watch the football game on television.

An alternative to an expensive set of snow tires is an expensive set of all season tires.

All season tires are just as their name implies: good for all seasons. In northern Canada this means winter and deer fly season in June.

Experts talk about installing a ‘good set of snow tires.’ Duh! Do they think we’d go out and drain our children’s college education fund on a ‘bad set of snow tires?’