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Posted by on Jul 11, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

SMART IS STUPID- Living Retired #156

SMART IS STUPID- Living Retired #156


Have you noticed? Everything is ‘smart’ these days.

Smart phones. Smart watches. Smart thermostats. There is even a smart refrigerator that lets you know when you need milk. I’ll wait for the beer fridge version.

But who is the smart aleck who invents this stuff?

I mean it’s been proven: as baby boomers age we become dumber than a fourth grade lunchroom monitor! For guys, the first sign we have past our best before date is when we start wearing relax fit jeans.

Want an example of a smart device that’s stupid?

My car has a built-in feature that allows me to simply press a button and ‘PRESTO’ the garage door opens!  Not a bad idea, right?

Well here’s the problem with the smart garage door opener. By the time a middle-age guy has figured out how to program this feature, a doctor has already revoked his drivers license! That’s what happens when you get older and drive back from Florida with your left turn signal on all the way!

Here’s another smart invention that you may have in your house: a programable thermostat.

The programable thermostat allows you and your wife to control the temperature level of your heating and air conditioning.

Well, I’ll tell you the programable thermostat is about as useful as a steamy pile of yak dung! Here’s why…

The ‘husband setting’ lowers the heat in the winter, and keeps the house cooler in the summer. However, the ‘wife setting’ overrides the ‘husband setting’ and raises the temperature in winter and summer!

The only redeeming feature of the programable thermostat is the button marked ‘Standby’– when you press it you are automatically connected to a marriage counsellor. Now that’s useful.

And who’s the dimwit who came up with the ‘smart’ home recycling centre?

This digital technology allows homeowners to bring up their entire portfolio of household waste and recycling on their computer. If I want to see all the crap I’ve been hoarding in the basement I’ll just look at what’s on our driveway when we have a garage sale!

Do you have a smart watch? You know the one that measures your blood pressure in real time— which in Newfoundland means your blood pressure is measured half an hour before it happens! The information is sent to your physician- who of course is out on the golf course. The real benefit is that you don’t have to read 3-year old magazines in the waiting room.

One smart device that lives up to its name is the one that automatically turns your lights off. For those with kids at university it means when they return home for summer they don’t have to ever, ever, EVER get up off the sofa!

Then there is what they call smart ‘wearable technology.’

Wearable technology includes trendy t-shirts that measure the number of steps you’ve taken and calories burned. Which is totally useless, because it’s your kid who is camped out on your sofa for the summer who buys this wearable technology!

With the popularity of smart devices for homes, you knew the ‘smart home hub’ would come along. The smart home hub allows homeowners to integrate and control all their smart home gadgets through yet one more smart device. The device comes complete with 24/7 offshore customer support. Or, if you’ve adopted a Korean or Chinese kid you’re good to go.

The smart technology is flush with possibilities. Here’s an idea…

How about a smart toilet seat: programmed to automatically put the toilet seat down!