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Posted by on Jun 13, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

REAL MEN BARBECUE- Living Retired #153

REAL MEN BARBECUE- Living Retired #153


Not to brag but I like to think of myself as a ‘mans man’– you know one of those guys who enjoys being out on his deck with a beer and his tongs.

Hey, I said ‘tongs’ not ‘thongs.’

So I’m sure I speak on behalf of all experienced outdoor grilling aficionados, when I say men want women to appreciate the intricacies and nuances required to routinely turn meat into burnt offerings!

Now I know women are probably saying, “Hey Gary grown men can’t master a manual can opener to open canned beef jerky in the kitchen, so why is it they think they know barbecues?”

Well to begin with you need to understand that a barbecue is an outdoor cooking device with a professionally-engineered ignition system that has been professionally-engineered not to work!

The genius of the barbecue ignition system is that men simply flick a switch which in turn activates a flint that is connected to a closed chamber that is filled with highly-explosive propane. WHOA!!!!

To be honest men find its great fun to twist the gas valve on the barbecue to ‘ON’ and then toss a lit match and run like hell and wait for the sonic thunderous BOOM!

Ladies, you will know your husband successfully lit the gas barbecue… when your neighbours at the end of the block are barely visible standing in the dust and soot following the explosion that levelled their 2-story bungalow.

Another method of knowing the barbecue is lit is to follow the wimpers– and brown spots– which will lead you to your family pooch hiding under the bedroom bed.

As well you should know that men drinking 5% alcohol Canadian beer and standing alongside a 40,000 BTU cooking grill is not the same as women inside entertaining dinner guests sipping on watered-down fruit wine spritzers. Enough said.

Any man worth his weight in sweet chilli barbecue sauce knows that to get those professional-looking carcinogen sear marks on steaks can only happen once the grill has been preheated to a very high temperature.

I’ll tell you what… Here is one of the tricks of the trade men like to use so they know when the barbecue is hot enough to begin the big burn…

First light the barbecue, set the temperature to high and close the lid. Then, and this is the important part, position the barbecue so you have a clear site line to your neighbours house. Next twist open a beer, turn the tunes up loud, and kick back. When you awaken to the sight of the aluminum siding on your neighbours house melting towards the ground in a molten blob– it’s time to toss the steaks on the white hot grill! The only thing left to do is scream to your wife: “Dear you’ve got ninety seconds to bake the  potatoes, toss a Caesar salad, set the table, get out the steak knives and open the wine so it can breathe!”

The reason your dinner guests are frequently entertained inside– away from the barbecue– is so they don’t see their steak being flipped on the grill with a tackle box filleting knife! Of course the silly barbecue chefs hat, apron and oversize gloves men received for Father’s Day are still in the gift box, underneath the bed.


It does no good whatsoever to ask your guests how they want their steak cooked. It ain’t gonna happen! Barbecued meat is done when it’s done…and after two Bud Lites!