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Posted by on Feb 1, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |



I had an epiphany!

I would have told you earlier. However, I couldn’t spell epiphany!

So I tuned in the national spelling bee contest. But, the really smart Asian kids weren’t on the episode I watched so the tough difficult words were held back.

Here’s my epiphany…

I have concluded that the trouble with our economy is that we depend on really smart, university-educated people called ‘economists’ to tell us how to fix it.

These economists spend the winter living in expensive Caribbean villas– stuffing bags of money into offshore banks. To be fair, they are not avoiding paying corporate taxes; they can’t stomach watching the Toronto Maple Leafs all winter!

The economists leave the business to be run by their upper management staff. These are people called ‘Interns.’ Interns are also really smart, university educated people. They just haven’t learned they don’t need to work for free.

Eventually, the really smart, university-educated Interns make an official economic statement. It is something along the lines of, “Relying on a theoretical construct representing economic processes by a set of variables and a set of logical, quantitative relationships.”

In other words: ‘our economy has gone to hell in a hand basket.’

It boils down to the fact that North American families can no longer make ends meet. Once they have purchased their weekly staples– beer, alcohol, genetically modified vegetables, lottery tickets and Netflix– they are like Brazil: broke.

One theory economists are suggesting to fix to the economy is something that’s been around for a long time; its called ‘trickle down economics.’ But I’m sceptical…

When a middle aged man hears the words ‘trickle down’ he immediately thinks of… his enlarged prostrate; and tripping over decorator pillows scattered on the bedroom floor when he goes to the bathroom during the night!

Besides. How on earth can something that ‘trickles down’ benefit the very people who need the most help these days: owners of professional sports franchises?

About now you’re probably saying, “Gary, what’s your suggestion to kickstart the economy?”

My epiphany is that everyone should purchase a house. Specifically an old house.

Old houses have asbestos, aluminum wiring, leaky windows, and of course mould! And that’s just in the front foyer!

Just imagine how much all these renovations will cost you! It’s all for a good cause: the economy!

You will know the exact point when you begin to turn the economy around…

It is after the movers have emptied their truck, damaged your antique mahogany dining table, and left 3-foot deep ditches on your front lawn. It is exactly when you discover the Official Notice on the front door: ‘This House Does Not Meet Code.’

Warning: You are about to learn that renovating your old house never, never, never ends… just like the night before when you are prepping for a colonoscopy!

Doing your part to help the economy means you will begin to shop at those large, mega renovation/building stores. These stores are everywhere, just like McDonald’s. “Would you like insulation with your order today?”

These stores think of everything for shoppers– even Hummers disguised as shopping carts.

One last word about doing your part to help the economy by purchasing an old house.

Three years into the renovations don’t be upset one day to learn the neighbours next door have sold their home to a family who raise chinchillas in their backyard and have a kid who takes bagpipe lessons!

All you have to do is move! This time purchase a new house– one with the New Home 5-Year Warranty. This means you’ll have 5 years before you’ll need to renovate all over again.

Like James Carville said, “It’s the economy, stupid.”