PROPPING UP BEER SALES – Living Retired #144

Meteorologists– people who make stuff up– all agree: winter did not arrive in southern Ontario this year.

Using sophisticated weather models and government-issued Ouija boards, the forecasters concluded the only traditional sign of winter this year was the Toronto Maple Leafs missed the playoffs again!

There was  so little snow that skiers stopped hurling themselves down treacherous mountains– doing quadruple cartwheels, their arms and legs flailing like maniacs– suffering concussions crashing into coniferous trees. Such fun!

With no skiers airlifted to trauma hospitals, orthopaedic surgeons had to find ways to bill insurance companies for playing gin rummy with anaesthetists in the OR.

At home, skiers watched Say Yes To The Dress- Canada where brides match their expensive bridal gown with a hockey toque.

However, the most significant impact of the lack of skiers was felt in the beer industry.

A beer spokesperson said, “We are fortunate the Republicans have televised debates every night and twice on Sunday’s because polls indicate that 19 times out of 20 viewers stock up with beer and anti-nausea medication beforehand.”

The importance of skiing to the Canadian economy cannot be overstated.

To outfit a skier– skis, boots, poles and prepaid helicopter airlift to hospital– costs thousands of dollars. Include the amount of beer they purchase and it adds up to more money than Olympic officials receive from countries bidding to host the Games!

A university-educated economist said, “Without the drinking skiers the economy went downhill.” Ta-dum-dum.

To be fair, Skiers Anonymous, meeting at a rehabilitation hospital issued the following statement:

“All skiers, including those in traction following surgery, know we let Canada down this winter– particularly the thousands of employees of the beer industry. We feel your pain watching your expensive television commercials featuring very attractive, happy actors who appear to be able to drink copious amounts of beer without having to go to the bathroom.”

But all is not lost…

To bolster beer sales in Canada this winter another group of hearty beer drinkers slid forward: curlers.

Curlers don’t profess to contribute to the economy like skiers. They just buy a broom and a set of earplugs so they can’t hear the bully on their team scream ‘HAAAAARRRD’  as they slide down the ice pushing a broom like a janitor on steroids on– get this– clean ice!

The significance of the decline in beer consumption on the economy is highlighted in the report released by ABCDEFGHIJ: ‘Association of Bad Curlers Declare Every Friggin’ Grownups Health In Jeopardy.’

The report stated: ‘Wee wisch too shay thatt ush curllers wilt doo every think we can stinke of too asshist the beeer inductee. Pleashe rekognise wee does have limutashuns on how mush wee cann drunk at eash of our curlink gamesh. Thanks yous.’

Even though beer sales declined this winter a leading brand of, get this– toilet paper!– continued its sponsorship of curling.

Obviously, the economy isn’t in the tank. Ta-dum-dum!