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Posted by on Jun 1, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

MEN REPAIRING DECKS- Living Retired #150

MEN REPAIRING DECKS- Living Retired #150


I’ve discovered the seven words guaranteed to get your wife’s undivided attention.

“Honey I think I’ll fix the deck.”

Unfortunately, Jan interpreted ‘fix the deck’ as meaning I was going to use power tools with sharp blades to ‘build a new deck.’

When she regained consciousness after fainting and hitting her head on the kitchen granite countertop, the first words out of Jans mouth were, and I quote, “GET REAL!”

I interpreted ‘GET REAL’ as meaning, ‘GET RICK.’

I decided that for once I would stand up to Jan about having to call Rick. Enough is enough! I put my foot down… and called Rick.

Rick arrived looking like any other baby boomer whose done his share of home plumbing, electrical and woodworking projects: bad knees and arthritic back!

Rick has all his fingers; not four like the do-it-yourselfers who rent those powerful pneumatic trigger-pull staplers that fire nails at warp speed— and cause spouses to get the car ready for a trip to the hospital.

Ricks toolbox includes a snap-on socket set, a snap-on screwdriver set, and a snap-on ratcheting box wrench. But remember, Rick is a baby boomer so his ‘tool of choice’ is his paint-splattered drug store reading glasses.

I provided the beer and a 100 foot long extension cord– just not in that order. Actually my extension cord is closer to 67 feet when you include the sections reattached with black duct tape.

Before you could say ‘Home & Garden Television’ Rick and I encountered the First Law of Deck Construction: as soon as your hands are filthy dirty and your work boots are covered in mud you have to pee!

Before you could say ‘Black & Decker’ we faced the Second Law of Deck Construction: standby rechargeable batteries for electric drills are never charged!

Do you know what the common denominator is among home handymen repairing decks? Rusty nails in old deck boards! As a result the guys usually meet up in the emergency department waiting for a tetanus shot.

At the ER they pass the time sitting beside other do-it-yourselfers: guys with thumbs attached to their work boots. Those damn pneumatic power trigger staplers really are powerful!

It’s like a baby boomers convention in the ER waiting room. On one side are the guys who shouldn’t be allowed to have tools. On the other side are the guys who hurt themselves playing old timers softball.

I learned two things working with Rick…

‘Measure twice cut once’ inevitably becomes ‘measure twice cut twice.’ Blame it on the beer.

The other thing I learned is that a hammer has another purpose than for removing light bulbs. Amazing!