MEN CARVING CHRISTMAS TURKEY. – Living Retired #129

I am now going to answer an age old question that arises each Christmas: why are men trusted with ultra sharp, German engineered, forged steel, finger-severing knives to carve the turkey?

The simple answer is: I haven’t got a clue!

Here is a question I can answer: why are men allowed to purchase the turkey?

If a man is responsible for carving a beautifully basted, plump, roasted turkey into a platter of minced meat that resembles a plate of beautifully basted, plump roasted mush… then he may as well be involved in buying the turkey!

I have some Turkey Tips. They have been officially ‘kitchen tested’– by overweight middle age men wearing the pants of choice for family feasts: relax fit jeans- with added spandex.

Turkey Tip #1: Turkey size.
Men have a keen sense of size. For instance they know the height of the Christmas tree is two times the length of the car it will be transported on; or, three times the height of the family room— whichever is larger.

Following this logic, it is a given that the size of the turkey men purchase has absolutely nothing to do with the number of guests at the dinner table. No, the turkey is based on how big the grocery cart is– the turkey needs to be larger! I’m thinking comparable to a 60 litre ShopVac with Hepa filter.

Turkey Tip #2: Thawing the turkey.
With the assistance of your sons Scout Troop and a Kubota Garden Tractor hoist the frozen turkey onto the kitchen counter. To thaw the turkey, for each pound allow the amount of time it takes to play the last thirty seconds of a NBA basketball game. This is the equivalent of three months.

Turkey Tip #3: Cooking the turkey.
There is a good reason why turkey can take up to eight hours to cook. This is the amount of time men need to get their nerve up to cut the turkey with their ex-wife’s third husband– on a day pass from jail– watching. Cook for 30 minutes per pound– which is equivalent to one rum and eggnog every 30 minutes.

Turkey Tip #4: When to put the turkey in the oven.
Many women set their bedroom alarm clock so they can get up in the middle of the night and put the turkey in the oven. Here’s how to avoid this. If you have young children your husband will be up all night assembling toys. So have him put the turkey in the oven!

Or, if your your husband is middle-age he has likely earned the prestigious Lifetime Ban on Assembling Toys certification. But he will still be up three times during the night to pee so he can put the turkey in the oven.

Turkey Tip #5: Carving weapon.
You have to make a decision here– the lesser of two evils. You can use your dull carving knife from your fishing tackle box and cut your fingers to shreds. Or use a brand new Henckel high carbon, stainless steel carving knife and cut your fingers to shreds. It’s your choice!

Turkey Tip #6: Arranging the turkey on the platter:
When you make the first cut into the turkey every member of the extended family who have gathered to eat your food and drink your alcohol will declare their expertise in carving a turkey. Suddenly they are all Master Butchers! Following their advice, you will need to recut the meat- multiple times- into smaller pieces. In the end just place the specks of dark meat on the platter and arrange the dots of white meat overtop.

Turkey Tip #7: HELP!!!
This is perhaps the most important Turkey Tip of all: have the butterball turkey hotline phone number on speed dial!