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Posted by on Jan 25, 2016 in Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |



Marriage experts– lawyers who practice divorce law in between expensive golf junkets– have discovered the leading cause of marital breakups.

No surprise here. It’s the furnace thermostat!

Think back to your wedding vows…

There was something about ‘for better or for worse.’ But nothing about a furnace thermostat. You were pronounced husband and wife; kissed; then walked down the aisle in clothes that never fit again.

Now it’s thirty years later…

Husbands traipse through the house wearing baggy sweatpants with paint splotches; the ripped bum sags down at the knees revealing… Whoa, okay I won’t got there! Every husband knows his mission is to A) leave the toilet seat up; and B) turn the furnace thermostat down.

Wives meanwhile run around behind their husband screaming, “If the doorbell rings you can’t answer it looking like that!” Her life is spent A) putting the toilet seat back down; and B) cranking the thermostat back up!

Men and women agree on one thing. The thermostat is connected to the furnace which is a device located in the basement whose primary purpose is to store the Christmas decorations beside.

Of course you can’t just have a furnace these days. No, it has to be a ‘furnace room.’

Guys learn about furnace rooms while suffering through endless episodes of ‘Love It, Or List It’ on Home & Garden television– with their wife sarcastically complaining, “Why can’t YOU do that?”

Beware: if your wife calls it a furnace room, it means she’s on to her next decorating project. Soon the furnace room will be outfitted with California shutters, an area carpet and pictures your kids drew at nursery school mounted in expensive brushed aluminum frames and non-glare glass!

Today there are programable thermostats. Experts suggest they be installed at eye level. This allows middle age men to program the thermostat– wearing cheap $2 reading glasses while standing in their underwear.

With your programmable furnace thermostat you can do many things.

You can set the temperature; set the fan speed; activate both the heating system and air conditioning system; and even control the humidity in your house. You can also program when you want the heat to come on and off. And there’s a ‘Vacation’ mode for when you’re away.

What you CAN’T do is lock the thermostat preventing women from increasing the heat to ‘Volcano Setting’– enough to make the wallpaper droop down to the baseboard so she can file an insurance claim… to replace the china cabinet!

But there’s more…

Our thermostat displays the outside temperature and the date and time. This way, whenever I’m reprogramming the thermostat I know how many weeks I’ve been at it!

My programmable thermostat has one more feature. I read about it in the instruction booklet as the thermostat smashed through the family room window twirling about like ‘2001: A Space Oddessy’ hurtling off into the backyard!

It is a button that’s says, ‘Setup.’ I can choose between– you gotta believe me on this one— ‘Basic Setup’ or ‘Advanced Setup.’ DUH!!!

Can you imagine any guy hollering to his wife, “Honey. I’m ongoing to install the programable furnace thermostat now. I think I’ll choose the ‘Advanced Setup’ method.”

“Dear. Did you smack your head on the granite countertop when you fainted?”