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Posted by on May 23, 2022 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Wordle Wars’

Living Retired — ‘Wordle Wars’

Living Retired — ‘Wordle Wars’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I are in the habit each evening of settling down in the family room to complete that days Wordle puzzle. We enjoy the challenge of having six attempts to come up with a five letter word to win the puzzle. I do Wordle for relaxation, whereas Jan is, well let’s just say she is much more competitive. Here is what I mean…

I grab my iPad and stretch out on the sofa and put my feet up. Jan’s sits beside me. She is armed with a pad of foolscap paper and a pencil. She doesn’t wear a camouflage top, but I swear she smudges enough eyeliner under her eyes that she looks like a pro football player running onto the gridiron.

“Jan, we don’t need to replay Orson Welles ‘War of the World.’ Wordle is just a game.”

“Gary, I want to give it my best. It may be more challenging today because I missed my high-protein pregame meal.”

“Jan, before we begin Wordle I am going to grab a beer. Would you a glass of wine, or Gatorade?”

Each night we alternate who enters the first five letter word. Last night was my turn so I typed ‘horse.’

“Gary, you began with horse two nights ago. What makes you think it will be any better this time?”

“Jan stop your whinnying.”

Jan didn’t listen to me. Instead she typed the word ‘audio’ and said, “Audio has four vowels and a consonant. I feel good about it.” It turned out Wordle didn’t share Jan’s feelings and gave ‘audio’ poor marks with no correct letters.

“Gary, what were we thinking?”

“Dear, what do you mean what were we thinking? I suggested ‘horse’ but it was scratched before it even got out of the gate!”

Next I typed ‘fares’ but inadvertently didn’t ask Jan what she thought before I pressed enter. None of the five letters were a match for Wordle. Jan said, “Gary, simply adding ‘s’ to pluralize fare is a poor strategy.”

“I don’t know Jan. I feel like you threw me under the bus for suggesting fares.”

Next we entered ‘Pluck.’ Wordle did its thing showing the first letter of the word ‘P’ was in the word. Jan got to work with her pad and pencil feverishly jotting down a myriad of 5-letter words beginning with P. This drives me nuts because while I quietly try coming up with various words, Jan talks out loud as she writes, “PUNTS… PAINT… PORES… POURS… PECAN… PALEO… PANEL… PANKO… PARTY… PASTA… PEONY… PEKOE.”

“JAN! Can’t you ‘P’ under your breath!”

“Gary, I’m not sure that’s what you mean. I am just trying to help.”

Jan glanced at what I typed: ‘puked.’ “Gary, I have told you before I don’t like it when you say that word.”

“I know Dear, but barfed is six letters. We can only use five.”

The pressure is on. We have used audio, fares, and pluck. We are now on our fourth guess of six tries.

Jan turns her page over. She jots and talks: “PLACE… PHONE… PENNY… PADDY… PARKA… PANSY… PENNE… PEONS.”

Quietly I typed in ‘Pucks.’ Jan said, “Sure give it a try.” I pressed enter. That’s when it happened — all five letters came up green. ‘Pucks’ is the word!

I’m a good sport so I didn’t mention to Jan that we won when I pluralized puck. Besides, she is busy scrubbing off the black on her cheeks and icing her hand.


Living Retired is written by humour writer Gary Chalk.

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