Living retired — ‘WHEN YOUR CLOSET IS NOT A CLOSET’

Living Retired — ‘WHEN YOUR CLOSET IS NOT A CLOSET’

As Jan was hanging up our clothes in the bedroom closet at the cottage we rented, she called for me to come.

“Gary, look at this closet. What do you see?”

“Well dear, for starters I see a closet without multiple pairs of Kate Spade flip flops, no sweat-wicking four-way stretch Lululemon scarves, no Sergio Rossi high heels; and I’ll be damned but there aren’t any leather Coach purses either.”

“No, Gary you are supposed to notice all the different racks to hang clothes and the various types of hangers. There are also pullout drawers and open shelves. And look at the way floppy sun hats can be shown off while they are stored.”

I didn’t get it.

That is when she made her pronouncement: “Gary, THIS… is a CLOSET SYSTEM.”

I had that ‘HUH?’ look on my face — just like the time we were trying to decide to toss out our salad spinner — never used, in it’s original box. DUH!

“Gary, we should look at a closet system for our master bedroom closet to hang up our clothes.”

I still didn’t get it. “Jan, the bedroom floor works well for me. I can rummage around and find every stitch of clothing I own. Why fix something that isn’t broken?”

The discussion about a closet system began with my sister Dianne who had one installed recently in her condo. I have nothing against Dianne BUT she does have one strike against her – when we were young she wound up and walloped me over the top of my head with her baseball bat! Just saying.

A ‘closet system’ sounds complicated, along the lines of a computer system or a home entertainment surround-sound stereo system; you know something that has ‘features’ — ‘features’ that you don’t need, ‘features’ that you don’t use, because you can’t figure out how the hell to use them!

In my mind I envisage a ‘closet system’ would have a remote control. No, make that a universal remote control. Of course, the remote control would always disappear. “Jan, I want to hang up my pants. Do you know where the remote control is?”

“Gary, the last time I saw the remote it had slipped down in between the blouses. When you search for it any loose change you find is mine!”

Then Jan added, “And it likely needs to be reprogrammed after last night’s storm when the power went out.”

I imagined having to call ‘Closet System Technical Support’ and listening to a recorded message: “Please listen carefully as our extensions have changed.” I would select one of their ‘convenient Noon to 5 PM’ timeslots next week for the technician to come.

“Jan, the closet system digital clock is flashing ‘00:00’ so it must be working after all.”

A closet system would probably separate my casual shirts from my dress shirts, and my sweatshirts from my pullovers. It would also have a hanging device for my collection of belts and ties that go back to my working days, and an area to store my dessert boots circa 1966.

I also thought that a closet system may mean Jan would not have to harp at me: “Gary, please remember to close the closet door. It looks like a church rummage sale is going on in there!”

The last thing Jan and I need is to get hung up about clothes closet systems. Before you know it we will want to install a broom closet system. Never heard of a broom closet system? It’s a climate controlled broom closet that keeps everything at broom temperature!