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Posted by on Apr 3, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat.’

Living Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat.’

Living Retired— ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I recently returned from a seven-day Caribbean cruise with our friends Rick and Judy. It was Rick’s 70th birthday and we all figured what better way to celebrate than spending time together in the sunshine. Well, not so fast ‘Mr. Fly By The Seat of Your Pants’…

“Jan, this is the last time I am going on a cruise if it means having to go through an airport.”

“Settle down Gary. It only took a couple of attempts and some assistance from the friendly Air Canada attendant to figure out how to print our boarding passes. But for the life of me how on earth did you manage to get your luggage tag stuck to your forehead? Other travellers are taking pictures. You’re going to end up on Facebook.”

Before we could join the line to go through Security, we had to get in the line to check our luggage. I heaved our suitcases up on the scale and held my breath. Jan prayed that she wasn’t over the limit.

Minutes later we were snaking our way through the Security line. Back and forth between the ropes. Finally, we reached the point where you grab a plastic tub to hold your backpack, electronics, shoes, your belt…

“Gary, for heavens sake grab your pants! They are drooping down at your knees.”

“Jan don’t worry. Mom always told me to wear clean underwear when we were travelling.”

“Gary, there will be more pictures of you on Facebook — this time in your underwear!”

The security agent directed me to enter the x-ray machine. “Sir, place your hands up over your head.” The gizmo began swirling all around my body. Oops! My pants are now down at my ankles again!

It gets worse…

I walked over to the conveyer belt to retrieve my backpack, wallet, iPhone, shoes, and belt. I was in my sock feet, struggling trying to hold my pants up. This is when it happened…

“Sir, please come over here we need to open your shaving kit.” Walking in your sock feet while trying to grab your pants down at your ankles isn’t easy!

“Gary! Watch what you are doing! Your belt almost got stuck in the conveyer belt and triggered that piercing alarm. My gosh Gary you are an accident waiting to happen!”

If you think this was embossing, it was NOTHING compared to the cruise we took before Covid-19 in 2020. I’ll explain…

Our ship was set to depart at 3:30. At 3:25 we were still waiting for our luggage to be delivered to our cabin. Jan was sweating as much as when we had the luggage weighed at the airport! Finally, there was a knock on our door and the room steward was standing with our luggage. That was the good news. Here was the bad news…

Jan had packed a silver rope-like necklace that twists around into a small bracelet for packing. She wrapped it in her lingerie. The ships x-ray machine detected it, and a bright red sticker was attached to her suitcase. This alerted the security guys to open the luggage to investigate. They did and in big black letters where the label said, ‘Reason for opening the luggage’ they scribbled, ‘Suspected Personal Handcuffs.’ OMG! THIS IS THE EPITOME OF EMBARRASSMENT!

The room steward, Jan, and I stood together in the cabin doorway. It was an awkward silence. Eventually…

The room steward smiled at me; and winked.

I howled.

Jan was fit to be tied!


Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.


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