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Posted by on Mar 11, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

Living Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

Living Retired — ‘Whatever Floats Your Boat’

By Gary Chalk.

Jan and I returned Wednesday from our Caribbean cruise. Here are some of the ‘highlights’…

Day 1. The good news is our flight left pretty much on time — Whoopee! The bad news is when we landed at Ft. Lauderdale Airport, we had to wait for almost an hour before we could get off the plane. The pilot explained the only gate capable of accommodating our large aircraft was still occupied by a plane that couldn’t pull away because it was — his exact words — “Broken.” I use the word broken to describe my electric garden trimmer after I slice the extension cord in half, not a commercial aircraft with a jet propulsion system that thrusts hundreds of passengers 38,000’ into the air! Just saying…

Thirty minutes later the passengers are becoming antsy. Eventually, the pilot announced, “Another ten to fifteen minutes to fix the broken plane and then we will pull up to the gate.” (I have flown enough to know that ‘ten to fifteen minutes’ is ‘pilot talk’ for “We haven’t the foggiest idea how long we’ll be stuck here on the friggin’ tarmac!”)

Day 2. Noon. We boarded the ship and right way set up our home away from home for the next 11 days: Jan confirmed our specialty restaurant dinners. Me? I registered our onboard Drink Package which for some crazy idea pours Jan and I thirty, yes THIRTY alcoholic beverages between the two us every day of the cruise! Do the math: the ‘THIRTY DRINKS FOR THE TWO OF US EVERY DAY OF THE CRUISE Drink Package’ is 330 drinks spread over 11 days! (This was a freebie from our travel agent. What does she know about Jan and I, that we don’t?)

Day 2. 4PM: Jan and I joined the Sail Away Party up on the 9th Deck beside a pool. The tunes were playing. The drinks were flowing. That is when it happened: after only my first frozen margarita of the ‘THIRTY DRINKS FOR THE TWO OF US EVERY DAY OF THE CRUISE Drink Package’ I suddenly felt I could dance. OMG! Before you could say frozen strawberry daiquiri, I was line dancing, sort of. Jan? She suddenly let on that she wasn’t with me! Just saying.

That evening in the dining room I scanned the menu. One of the appetizers was steak tartare. I asked the waiter if I could have my steak tartare it was possible to have well-done? I laughed. Jan explained, “Don’t listen to him. He has the ‘THIRTY DRINKS FOR THE TWO OF US EVERY DAY OF THE CRUISE Drink Package.’”

Day 4. What’s this rash under my arm? A physician at the medical centre said it was Shingles, describing it as a mild case because I had been vaccinated. Back at our cabin I told Jan, “I am going to make waves by getting up on the roof and declare I have Shingles.” Jan showed her sympathy, suggesting I sit out on our cabin balcony — her exact words — “All by yourself like last Septembers’ cruise when you had to isolate because you got Covid.” Jan laughed at her humour and went so far to say she may begin writing her own humour column saying — again her exact words — “But mine will be funny!”

Day 10. Whenever we travel if I am asked where I am from, I usually respond using generalities. This afternoon on one of the ship elevators the door slowly opened, and a woman walked on and asked, “Where y’all from?” This is how our conversation continued…

I said, “My wife and I are from Canada.”

The man next to us on the elevator chimed in, “Oh my wife and I are from Canada too.”

The woman said, “I’m from Georgia.”

Me: “I’m from Ontario.”

Other man: “We’re from Ontario too.”

Georgia Woman: “I live in Augusta Georgia.”

Me: “We live in Brantford Ontario.”

Other man, “We are nearby in Hamilton Ontario.”

Me: “To be exact we live in St. George.”

Other man: “No way! We are down the road in Waterdown!”

The elevator door slid open, and Waterdown Couple got off with Jan and I, laughing. Georgia Woman remained.

Georgia Woman stared at us as the door closed. “Y’all tell me where Hamilton, Brantford, St. George and Waterdown are?”

It’s a small world. And when you are on a cruise, ship happens.”


Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.


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