Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on May 9, 2021 in Retirement Humour |



Living Retired: ‘WEDNESDAY WENT WRONG!’  

Wednesday. If you still work, Wednesday is hump day. But for retirees like me, Wednesday is just another day: you get out of bed, trip over the decorator pillows that you threw all over the floor when you went to bed; and pull on the same relax fit jeans you wore yesterday. What a life!

However, last Wednesday was different for me. It seemed everything I did made me wonder if I may be having short term memory loss.

Did I mention that I may be having short term memory loss?

Here is what I mean. My Wednesday to-do list included a trip to the hardware store.

Jan asked, “Gary, what are you getting?”

Silence. “Hmmm, I’ll call you when I remember. Have you seen my iPhone?”

Minutes later I was backing my car out the driveway. Seconds later I was driving back in the driveway: I forgot my glasses.

At the hardware store I quickly purchased a garden hose. I returned to the car and opened the front passenger door and tossed the hose onto the seat; then walked around and climbed into the drivers seat. At least I thought it was the drivers seat…

Right away I knew something was wrong. My first clue was the steering wheel – it wasn’t leather-wrapped like my Jeep. My next clue was the very tall man with his arms crossed – the owner of the car! – standing on the sidewalk, staring me down!

“Oh, sorry sir. I must have gotten into the wrong vehicle. HA! HA!”

Embarrassed, I got out of his car. I quickly ran around behind and opened the passenger door, “I’ll just grab my things and be on my way. HA! HA!”

My Wednesdays woes wore on…

At the gas station I accidently handed over my pharmacy loyalty card to the attendant. “Sorry sir we don’t accept Shoppers Drug Mart cards.”

As if that wasn’t enough humiliation, later at the grocery store I was caught red-handed AGAIN! I tried to pay for something with my VISA card – but now it is the gas station card I have handed over. “Sir, we aren’t a gas station.”

My forgetfulness isn’t limited to me. Each week I meet with the guys for coffee – although one or two usually forget to come. One topic we chat about frequently is our forgetfulness. Did I mention I wonder if I may be having short term memory loss? Last week one of the men didn’t show up so he sent an email, “Sorry, I forgot. I can’t come because I am prepping for a colonoscopy this afternoon.” Lets just say he is in arrears.

Another friend said, “Gary when I try to find my car at the shopping mall parking lot I have to press the Lock button on my key fob and then listen to where the honk comes from. If it gets desperate I begin tapping the red Panic button – and hope like hell that all the other baby boomers aren’t doing the same thing!”

I told him, “Don’t tell Jan but one time I couldn’t find my car so I kept pressing the Lock button, but for the life of me I couldn’t hear the horn honking! It turned out I was pressing the Lock button for Jan’s car – which was back home in our garage. I would have called the police to report the car stolen but I couldn’t find my iPhone!”

One of the guys – I forget who – confided that before he leaves home these days he goes through a mental checklist: glasses… wallet… facemask…. iPhone… AND, very discreetly checks that his zipper is up! Just saying…

My forgetfulness has become an issue when I type my name on my iPhone. I mean how difficult can it be to type Gary? It is only four letters: ‘G – A – R – Y.’ Well, it seems I am all thumbs because with those itty bitty keys when I press ‘G’ I often mistakenly press ‘F.’ When I press ‘A’ and then ‘R’ the iPhone takes over and before you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle’ my name comes out as ‘Fart’!!!

I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would be if someone received my email signed Fart!!!

Did I mention that I may be having short term memory loss?

Well, that’s it for this week.