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Posted by on Apr 15, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Wasn’t That A Party’

Living Retired — ‘Wasn’t That A Party’

Living Retired — ‘Wasn’t That A Party!’

By Gary Chalk.

I must tip my dorky solar eclipse viewing glasses to the astronomers — those fun-loving, party animals sure know how to toss a party! Think about it…

They convinced the teachers to send the kids home from school three hours before the three-minute solar eclipse! They also scared the bejeebers out of Niagara Falls officials who didn’t know what the eclipse may do to Barbara Walter’s wax figurine, so they declared a state of emergency a whopping two weeks before the eclipse! What’s more, those merrymaking astronomers even coerced us to use the word ‘totality’ in all our conversations — which totality blew me away!

So, it is time to toss our wonky eclipse viewing glasses where the sun doesn’t shine.

But wait…

May is approaching and other professionals, envious of those party-going astronomers making Pi Day jokes — ‘What do you get when you cut a jack-o’-lantern by half its diameter? Pumpkin Pi’ — want in on the fun.

The shoe manufacturers are first out of the box. You won’t believe what the shoe crew have up their sleeves — get ready for it! — ‘National Two Different Coloured Shoes Day.’ On May 3rd you don’t need to wear silly protective eyewear, instead you’ll be the hit of the party by wearing mismatched shoes. Slip on a black dress shoe and a blue relaxed-fit Skecher and get set to party until the wee small hours of the morning, or until your suspension socks lose their elasticity. Such fun!

I mentioned ‘National Two Different Coloured Shoes Day’ to Jan, and she figures she has enough to turn it into a yearlong sock hop, with shoes — even maybe until the next lunar eclipse or when the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup whichever comes first.

The sock manufacturers didn’t want the shoe manufacturers stepping on their toes, so they have arranged May 9th to be ‘National Lost Sock Memorial Day.’ But like the solar eclipse, you will need to find the best spot to celebrate. Jan thinks we should setup lawn chairs behind the dryer, whereas I am leaning to getting down on all fours and crawling under the bed.

You know I don’t make this stuff up…

The merry month of May continues. May 16th looks to be a blast. It is ‘National Barbecue Day.’ And these guys are going all out with hands-on sessions including ‘Pre-Heating Your Gas Barbecue Without Melting Your Aluminum Siding,’ ‘Lighting Charcoal Briquets Using Less Lighter Fluid & Newspapers,’ and, ‘Igniting Your Gas Barbecue Without 9-1-1 On Standby While Still Drinking Beer.’

There is more. May 21st has been declared ‘Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day.’ However, the bean growers figured they should have a standalone day of their own — for obvious reasons— so ‘National Eat Your Beans Day’ is set for July 3rd. Word on the street is that the bean growers are pitching Beano to be the sponsor. Can ‘National Flatulence Friday’ be far behind?

Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.

Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ on The Mike Farwell Show 10:30 – 11 AM Friday mornings on CityNews570.