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Posted by on Dec 6, 2021 in Retirement Humour |




Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the store to purchase a bottle of rum – and came out with a pair of ugly Christmas socks? Well, I am that guy. To be clear though I did buy the rum.

Here is my ugly Christmas rum socks story – note there will not be any ‘footnotes.’

Last week I was at a store standing in front of the display of my ‘go-to’ rum: Bacardi White. This is when I spotted the Bacardi Christmas promotion, one of those ‘In-store with purchase offers.’ Bundled around the top of each bottle was a pair of socks. The words on the wrapper said, ‘BONUS UGLY SOCKS. COLLECT ALL 3.’ I was sold.

At home I held up the socks for Jan to see. “Look Dear I got these free socks with my bottle of rum.”

Jan took one look at the socks. “Gary, if those socks ever set foot on your feet, make sure I drink the bottle of rum beforehand.”

Later that evening we went out to our friends Christmas open house. At the front door Jan and I said, “Seasons Greetings.” The hostess responded with what they all say, “Take your shoes off and come in. Oh, and Merry Christmas.”

Standing in my sock feet at the kitchen island scarfing down jumbo shrimp I realized the other guests must also drink Bacardi rum – they were wearing ugly Christmas socks.

Back home, Jan brought up my ugly Christmas rum socks again.

“Gary, please tell me that you are not going to collect all 3 pairs of those ugly Christmas socks – unless you need more rags to change the oil in your Jeep.”

Today, as I write this column the ugly Christmas rum socks are still rolled up tight in a ball wrapped around the Bacardi bottle. It is hard to tell, but I wonder if they are the type of cheap clothing that you wear once and toss away. Speaking of that, do you have cheap ‘wear once and toss away’ clothes?

Jan has had ‘wear once and toss away’ clothes. However, they were not intended to be tossed out – until I did the laundry. Lets just say that what I deciphered from Jan’s rant was, “Gary, ANY of my clothes that are marked ‘Delicate’ on the label are NOT to be mixed in with your workout clothes, in hot water, without Downy fabric softener!” I can still see her storming out of the room muttering something about “For the love of Pete!”

Just to be clear, there is a difference between clothes you ‘wear once and toss away’ and clothes that you wear forever that should be tossed out.

Jan reminded me about the clothes I need to toss out from our closet – shabby blue jeans with torn knees. “Jan, these jeans are all the rage these days! I am being trendy.”

“Gary, you and trendy. Give me a break!”

Speaking of blue jeans, a friend of mine told me about his wife’s expensive designer blue jeans that she has no intention of throwing out. “Gary, she looks great in them – once she gets them on.” He described how she sits at the foot of their bed holding the jeans down at her feet. Very slowly she pulls them side to side inching them up. When the blue jeans reach her knees she collapses backwards onto the bed writhing around until she manages to yank them up to her waist. WHEW! Now all that is left is to get the zipper closed.

“Gary, eventually her face is beet red, but the jeans are on! Then, she rolls over to the side of the bed and falls into a quasi standing up position!”

I know when I try on my ugly Christmas rum socks that I will not wear them once and toss them away. They were born to rum.