Living Retired — ‘Tom’s Toothpaste To The Test’
Living Retired — ‘Tom’s Toothpaste To The Test’
By Gary Chalk
I tried a new brand of toothpaste the other morning. But when I squeezed the tube I couldn’t believe what oozed out onto my toothbrush! After I brushed my teeth and spit into the sink I was, well, gobsmacked! Suddenly the expression ‘my lips are sealed’ took on a new meaning.
Toothpaste is usually white, mint, or perhaps striped in colour. But not the contents in the tube of Tom’s of Maine Anti-Cavity Luminous White. The blob that came out onto my toothbrush was, get ready for this, black! It resembled the black tar you squeeze out of those damn hand-cranked thingamajigs when you seal your gutters. No way I was going to put what looked like deer droppings on my toothbrush into my mouth! Hmmm, would Jan?
I left a piece of paper towel with the black goo on the kitchen countertop and waited for Jan to come by.
“Gary, are these the dark chocolate rosebuds you bought for the special dessert I am making this weekend? Thanks”
“Jan, so you are baking toothpaste tarts? I will take a pass licking the bowl.” When I told her it was toothpaste she was crest-fallen.
Tom’s of Maine became an iconic Maine brand in the 1970’s. Eventually it was acquired by Colgate-Palmolive. I have purchased Tom’s Toothpaste before but this was the first time the colour was, well, a kick in the teeth!
Another look at the toothpaste tube I discovered it is ‘made with charcoal.’ I can understand a toothpaste made in Maine that tastes like lobster with drawn butter — although you would have to tie a bib around your neck whenever you brush your teeth — but charcoal?
“Jan, charcoal in toothpaste makes me want to put down my toothbrush and use barbecue tongs to clean my teeth.”
“Gary, you’re weird. I remember the time at our friends dinner party you explained to everyone your personal ‘floss-ophy’ about going to the hygienist. I was so embarrassed.”
I researched charcoal in toothpaste and discovered that charcoal is intended to help remove surface stains on your teeth. It can help destroy bad breath, lower cholesterol, and reduce gas and flatulence.
“Jan, we don’t need Beano anymore. Just leave a bag of Kingsford briquettes beside the bed and I’ll chew on some at bedtime.”
“Gary, I’ll also leave out some lighter fluid with a nasal strip. You ARE weird!”
It turns out that charcoal toothpaste is one of the biggest trends in wellness and cosmetics. But there are other natural home remedies we can choose to whiten our teeth including apple cider mixed with water, and — I am telling the whole tooth here — rubbing lemon, orange, or banana peels on your teeth! Jan was cynical and suggested I place our green bin under my bathroom sink.
“Jan, maybe I should swoosh my mouth with Smuckers fruit marmalade jam. Like Willard Scott said, “With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.”
Further studies are required to determine if some natural alternatives for cleaning our teeth are effective. You think! Meantime, watch for Tom’s of Maine to be challenged by Dole Pineapple Tidbits No Sugar Added Toothpaste.
Speaking of teeth, I am going to have an implant. When I mentioned this to Jan she was skeptical. Her response confused me: “Gary there are soo many different types of implants these days — dental implants, hair implants, and, p… Oh! I shudder to think!”
