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Posted by on Apr 21, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘This Doesn’t Make Sense’

Living Retired — ‘This Doesn’t Make Sense’

Living Retired — ‘This Doesn’t Make Sense!’

By Gary Chalk.

I learned something about myself last week: I am a clean linen guy. Oh, I am not talking about our bed sheets. I am referring to Glade Clean Linen Room Deodorizer. Here is what led to my newfound sense of smell…

Tuesday, Jan was at her morning fitness class, so I made egg salad sandwiches for lunch. When I finished, the kitchen stunk like, well, our family room many years ago after the kids left Tyler’s kindergarten birthday party. Peugh!

How to get rid of the egg smell in our kitchen? I had a choice: I could light a fragrance candle — ‘Tropical Fruit Medley’ or spray ‘Clean Linen’ room deodorizer. I chose the ‘Clean Linen’ spray.

As soon as Jan walked in the house she asked, “Gary, did you add too much Downy Fabric Softener to the wash? It smells like clean linen throughout the house.”

“No dear. The kitchen smelled like the egg salad sandwich I made you, so I sprayed Clean Linen room deodorizer. The other choice was to light a ‘Tropical Fruit Medley’ candle.”

The next morning, I burned our breakfast bagels. I reached for the ‘Tropical Fruit Medley’

Jan said, “Gary we also have an ‘Ocean Blue Mist’ fragrance candle under the kitchen sink. Or in our bathroom there’s a ‘Moonlight Bliss’ spray, that’s very nice. In the laundry room cabinet, you can choose between ‘Bamboo Air’ or ‘Fresh Lemon Citrus.’”

I didn’t like the smell of what was happening.

Later I drove Jans car over to swap out the winter tires. The showroom had the new tire smell that men love. This scent passed the sniff test.

I returned home on a mission to retire typical scented candles and room sprays. In their place let’s introduce more manly scents. When Jan got a whiff of my idea she didn’t like it.

“Jan, would you purchase a candle that smells like new tires? Men love the smell of new tires.”

“Of course not, Gary. The smell of new tires is just that, a smell; new tires are not a fragrance.”

I was baffled. There is a difference between a smell and a fragrance? How can this be?

Jan gave an example. “Fresh roses are a natural fragrance, but when fresh roses become a room spray it is an artificial smell.”

“So, how about a WD-40 room deodorizer?”

“Same thing Gary. WD-40 is a smell, not a fragrance.”

“Jan, you like it when I say your perfume smells nice.”

“Yes Gary because it has a nice fragrance, so it does not smell.”

I was not giving up with my quest to come up with room deodorizers that men would use.

“How about Turtle Wax room deodorizer?” She wasn’t buying.

“So Jan, I’m thinking you would not be a Bud Lite scented room spray person. How about Franks Hot Sauce bathroom deodorizer?”

“Well at least the bathroom is the right room for spicy hot sauce spray, if you know what I mean.”

All this talk about smells and fragrances hit home last week. We purchased a new car. Who does not like the smell of a new car? It is not a natural fragrance it is a smell.

Driving home from the dealership, Jan recalled the first new car we ever bought.

“Gary, I can still remember leaving the dealership we stopped for takeout fish and chips. You didn’t want our new car to stink like fish and chips, so you insisted that I hold the bag out the window all the way home. It was the middle of February!”

“Jan, it made sense to me.”


Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.


Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ on The Mike Farwell Show Friday mornings at 10:30 AM on CityNews570.


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