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Posted by on Aug 16, 2021 in Retirement Humour |




Picture this…

Early on Saturday morning Jan and I headed out to do some errands. We reached the end of our cul-de-sac and turned left. That is when it happened. I was gobsmacked!

Right there in front of our car walking down the street was an upside down rocking chair! Yes your eyes are reading this right — with our eyes we saw an upside down WALKING ROCKING CHAIR! There appeared to be someone walking underneath the chair, but it was so large that it covered their head right down below their waist. By the skin of our teeth we could see their feet.

“Jan, this guy is off his rocker!”

“Gary, please drive carefully. Today is the annual neighbourhood garage sale and lots of people are out early shopping for bargains.”

“You are right dear. But the way this guy is going about it he will be lucky if he gets home by the seat of his pants!”

By the look of things, this year most homeowners are not participating in the annual neighbourhood garage sale — over a year of Covid Couple Confinement means many have argued enough without having to quarrel about what price to ask for their junk.

“Jan, all these scented candles are still in their original wrappers. I say we price them at 10 candles for a dollar. That way we may get .10 cents for all of them.”

“Gary, that is ridiculous! I am not going to give them away for free.”

“Everyone on the street will be selling their scented candles, Jan. If we all light them at the same time the entire County will smell like Pumpkin Spice.”

Couples do need to agree that there are three categories of garage sale items…

First, there is the ‘USELESS CRAP’ category. Based on the premise that one mans trash is another mans treasure the items in this category could include never used salad spinners, never used electric coffee bean grinders, and never used garlic presses, potato mashers, and long-handled spaghetti serving utensils.

The second category is the ‘NEVER USED CRAP’ category. Based on the premise that someone out there will put this stuff to good use items in this category could include George Forman cooking grills, Suzanne Somers thigh-masters, Ron Popeil ‘Set It and Forget It’ rotisserie’s, and Gary Chalk jimmied together with duct tape strings of Christmas lights that do not blink.

FULL DISCLOSURE: There is no discernible difference between the ‘USELESS CRAP’ category and the ‘NEVER USED CRAP’ category. For example, the toaster oven you received as a wedding gift 40-years ago can be displayed on the ‘USELESS CRAP’ table you set up in the driveway, or part of the ‘NEVER USED CRAP’ that gets strewn all over the driveway. Just be careful that your aunt who regifted the toaster oven to you does not show up: “Gary, I recognize this silver weddin paper and bow.”

The third category — ‘SURELY NOBODY WILL BUY THIS CRAP BUT LETS TRY ANYWAY!’ category — will attract the most customers. Here is what I mean: every boy in Grade 6 tech class set out to build a three-shelf wooden coffee table that ended up as a small 6” foot stool. Expect people to fight over this for their room at their retirement residence.

Another reason many of us are not interested in having a garage sale is because garage sale customers begin driving the garage sale circuit in the middle of the night. By 6 o’clock in the morning they pull into your driveway and slam their car doors shut to wake you up. For me, to get up at that hour I would have to be off my rocker!