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Posted by on Dec 24, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Twelve Words of Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘The Twelve Words of Christmas’

Living Retired — ‘The Twelve Words of Christmas’

By Gary Chalk.

What I enjoy about this time of year are the Christmas traditions such as gathering with family and friends, giving  and receiving presents, and decorating the Christmas tree with blinking lights that don’t blink.

A tradition that I began ten years ago is to write my annual Living Retired Christmas column where I put the six geese a-laying,] the seven swans a-swimming, and the eight maids a-milking to ‘a-bed.’ Instead of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ I write ‘The Twelve Words of Christmas’ — holiday greetings in twelve words. Here goes…

“Merry Christmas. For sale: decorator hand towels and hand soaps — never used.”

“Merry Christmas. I accidentally used the decorator towels. Afraid to tell Jan.”

“Merry Christmas. In 2024 no more Taylor Swift, Travis Kelsie, and Barbie.”

“Merry Christmas. Our last Christmas at this house: neighbours kid learning bagpipes.”

“Hello Butterball Turkey Hotline? Can you thaw a turkey in one hour?”

“Merry Christmas. My husband is carving the turkey — cover the grandchildren’s ears!”

“Merry Christmas. My new voicemail message: ‘Stuff your wassail up your wazoo?’”

“Merry Christmas. Gall stones, kidney stones, bladder stones: it’s the Stone Age.”

“Merry Christmas. Seven months until 2024 France Olympics. Here’s today’s doping disqualifications.”

“Merry Christmas. This is VISA calling. Your 2022 Christmas bills are paid.”

“Merry Christmas. Fifteen strings of lights plugged in one outlet. HOLY SMOKE!”

“Merry Christmas. My husband bought all my gifts at Victoria’s Secret. OMG!”

“Merry Christmas. DEAR, what made you think I could fit into THIS???”

“Merry Christmas. I’m throwing up, coughing, sneezing, aches, and pains. Happy holidays!”

“Merry Christmas. Enjoy the beauty of the holidays. Peace, Jan and Gary.”