Living Retired — ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

Living Retired – ‘THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID!’

I have some very good news to share this week!

Yesterday afternoon Jan told me – well actually she flailed her arms and screamed! – “GARY! THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID!”  

At first I was shocked! But the more I thought about it, what Jan said to me made me feel rather good. My thinking was if it has taken this many years into our marriage for me to finally blurt out the stupidest thing I have ever said, I am doing pretty good! Would you not agree?

Before I tell you the stupidest thing I have ever said, here are a few other examples of stupid things I have said – but do not rank up there at the top as the stupidest thing I have ever said. For example…

There was the time we were shopping in Sarasota Florida. Jan emerged from the changeroom at Chicos wearing some bright flower print slacks she had tried on. She said, “I don’t think I look good in these slacks.” I said, “Okay, don’t buy them.”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! Apparently, “I don’t think I look good in these slacks” is wife code to their husband, and I was supposed to say, “Honey, you look great in those slacks! Buy them.”

Then there was the time I said something else stupid – but still not the stupidest thing I had ever said. We were at a Ruth’s Chris Steak House and Jan asked the waiter for the double-baked potato loaded with sour cream, chives, and bacon bits on the side. I realized she had been doing great losing a couple of pounds, so I innocently suggested, “Dear, I thought you were on a diet?”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! When the waiter left Jan said I was insensitive. Since when is being helpful insensitive?

Guys have you ever said to your wife, “Dear, don’t you think you already have enough Coach purses?” I have.

WHAT WAS I THINKING! Purses be damned! We did not speak for an hour.

Or there was the time we were driving, and we were lost. Jan was quite upset because I would not pull over to ask for directions. This is when I said, “If you think you can do any better YOU DRIVE!”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! Jan said, “Okay I will drive” but she was even more upset because I would not pull over to let her drive!

Here is another one of those stupid things I have said. In a moment of what turned out to be complete insanity, I suggested we could save a few dollars and instead of hiring a professional Jan and I would put up the new wallpaper in our master bathroom. You know where this one is going. We are in a small, confined space. I am standing on a step stool. The wallpaper is drooping. I am swearing. Finally, I merely suggested to Jan – okay I screamed! – “LOOK. DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP OR NOT!”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! It turns out saying, “LOOK DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP OR NOT” can be interpreted as meaning “No, I do not want you to help” which then put me a predicament: should I exit the bathroom, or bite my tongue and stay?

So, this brings me around to yesterday when Jan exclaimed, “GARY! THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID!”

I was relaxing on the sofa in our family room. Jan came in, very frustrated, and said, “Gary, have you seen my glasses? I have looked everywhere, and I cannot find them.”

This is when I said what was to become the stupidest thing I have ever said, “Dear, where did you have them last?”

WHAT WAS I THINKING! That innocent comment intended to help led to Jan losing it!

“For heavens sake if I knew where I had my glasses last I would know where they are! “GARY, THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID!”

What was I thinking? Apparently I was not.