Living Retired — ‘The Pee Factor’
Living Retired — ‘The Pee Factor’
By Gary Chalk.
This weeks Living Retired column is titled ‘The Pee Factor.’ It should resonate with mature men — and for that matter, guys like me.
‘The Pee Factor’ is a three-prong problem that affects baby boomer men who, as we grow older, are known to:
1) pee more frequently,
2) after peeing forget to pull their pants zipper up, and,
3) forget to put the toilet lid down.
So, in other words ‘The Pee Factor’ is about the ups and downs of guys growing older!
Let’s address the first matter: the problem of the plethora of pee-ers. It is common knowledge that as men age, we tend to have to go to the bathroom more often.
“Jan I am quickly going to go to the bathroom one more time before we head over to Lew and Susans.”
“Didn’t you go when you got changed?”
“Yes, but that was ten minutes ago.”
Ten minutes later…
“Gary, we’d better turn the car around and go back home. I want to be sure I unplugged my curling iron.”
“Okay. I’ll also try to pee again.
The second issue with ‘The Pee Factor’ is the embarrassing situation of men not remembering to pull up our pants zipper. So, I went online. According to research, men begin to become forgetful including pulling up their zipper around the age of 45 — and from there the statistics go up, or is it down? Another plausible explanation is that most men gave up fiddling with zippers much like they gave up fumbling trying to unfasten their girlfriend’s bra at high school. Just saying…
Whenever the guys meet up for wings and beer the topic of peeing usually comes up after we place our food and drink order — and return from the bathroom.
“Stan, you forgot to pull your zipper up.”
“Gary, your zipper is down.”
The other guys don’t say anything but join in. The family at the next table look over at the four of us as in unison we attempt to discreetly check our pants zipper.
The third pee factor is forgetting to put the toilet seat down. I have tried every excuse in the book for not remembering to put our toilet seat down. Finally, Jan said, “Gary, if just once you put the bathroom toilet seat back down, I think from pure shock I would do a face plant and smack my head on the toilet!”
“Jeez Jan that would be a bummer.”
Help is on the way. With baby boomer men putting their mark on so many things the government finally took notice. In what can best be described as a watershed moment they appointed a blue-ribbon panel called: ‘Department Related to Incontinent People: DRIP.’
DRIP is all hands-on deck. First, they hired an ad agency who came up with the snappy slogan ‘DRIP: Department Related to Incontinent People — Urine Good Hands.’
Next, DRIP established a hotline, similar to the Butterball Turkey Hotline. The DRIP number is 1-800-GottaGo. (The irony is the men who call the DRIP Hotline are many of the same men who call the Butterball Turkey Hotline feverishly screaming, “It is Christmas afternoon and my wife’s family is here. I realized I forgot to get the turkey from the freezer!” It is an aging thing, what can I say.)
The DRIP Hotline has become so much in demand that frequent pee-ers are often met with a recorded message, “Can you please hold.”
I have more to write about ‘The Pee Factor’ but, well, I gotta go!
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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