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Posted by on Dec 19, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘The Last, Last, LAST Minute Holiday Gift Guide!’

Living Retired — ‘The Last, Last, LAST Minute Holiday Gift Guide!’

Living Retired — ‘The Last, Last, LAST Minute Holiday Gift Guide!’

By Gary Chalk.

I realize your time is precious at this time of year. With only a few days until Christmas the last thing on people’s mind — after taking the cat to the vet for chewing the icicles on the Christmas tree and stopping to pick up rug cleaner to clean up the mess — is to read a second Living Retired column in the same week. BUT…

Todays special BONUS edition of Living Retired is a public service, a way to reduce the stress from wrapping Christmas presents with one hand because the other hand is wrapped in gauze from third degree burns from sticking pinecones and plastic red holly together with a glue gun.

I have done the shopping for you. These are real products that — I assume — inventors actually had the nerve to apply for a patent! So, here it is my ‘2023 Last, Last, LAST Minute Holiday Gift Guide.’

First off, how about a gift for the man who has everything: ‘Festive Feast Baubles — Ornaments for your Beard.’ This is a set of 9 foodie baubles that are hung on a man’s beard. (Tip: don’t buy these for your wife!) What woman wouldn’t enjoy standing at the neighbour’s kitchen island munching hor d’oevres with her husband who has a string of colourful ornaments dangling from his beard? (Jan won’t get me the Festive Feast Baubles because she says my beard is already covered in dried shrimp sauce!) $15.00 plus shipping.

Men, if you are looking for a last-minute stocking stuffer for your wife you may want to consider a package of — are you ready for it — ‘Fart Jokes Gum.’ You may be wondering what this is? It is a package of 10 pieces of tooty fruit gum along with some funny fart jokes your wife can tell at her next bridge party, or your funeral — whichever comes first! $2.99 plus tax. Or, there is also the ‘Whoops I Peed Gum.’ You’ve got a decision to make. Just saying…

Next up, how about a real time saver, ‘The Disappointed SIGH.’ This handy battery-operated gadget fits in your pocket and comes complete with 4 different sighs, including: the male sigh, the female sigh, the shocked sigh, and of course the end of the world sigh that you can play when your wife tells you your pants zipper is undone. $15.00.

Hmm. How about another ornament for the Christmas tree, the can’t miss: ‘Squirrel in Underpants.’ This hand-blown gem is 4” tall. (I know, I’m nuts!). $24.99.

Here’s one: ‘Balloon Helicopter.’ Picture an inflated balloon with a small propeller attached. Comes complete with manufacturer warnings: ‘Choking hazard. Adult supervision required. Discard broken balloons at once.’ Hmm, what could possibly go wrong? $5.99.

For the musician on your list how about something that’s on their bucket list: ‘Nose Flute.’ This plastic contraption covers your mouth and nose. You blow into it and use your mouth to change the notes! For only $3.99 it’s cheaper than those expensive nasal strips snorers use when they go to bed. Besides your wife would love to gently drift off to sleep while you play The Macarena on the Nose Flute. This gives a whole new meaning to blowing your nose.

And the final ‘2023 Last, Last, LAST Holiday Gift Guide’ suggestion is something for the foodie on your list: their very own ‘Spud Potato Gun.’ This convenient kitchen thingamajig is just what every chef needs when their soufflé doesn’t rise. The Spud Potato Gun is a handheld plastic pistol that you attach to a potato — I hear you can really make a killing using a big Russet potato. Pull the trigger and SPLAT!! Your guests better keep their eyes peeled! $6.99. No background check required.

Happy shopping!