Living Retired — ‘The Eyes Have It’
Living Retired — ‘The Eyes Have It’
By Gary Chalk.
Do you frequently lose your keys? How much time do you waste searching for your iPhone? How often do your glasses go missing? Do you lose your wallet? I misplace all these things. Before breakfast!
Often I can’t find my Jeep in the mall parking lot so I tap the panic button on my key fob. Then I traipse around the parking lot trying to distinguish my horn from all the other horns that are blasting away, although if you can put up with all the racket it’s a great way to meet others without the hassle of posting a fake profile on an online dating site.
But what I lose most of all is my temper.
“Jan, I can’t find my glasses again. Have you seen them?”
“Gary, try looking where you last had them?
“I cannot see where I last had my glasses because I need them to find where I left them! Don’t you see what I mean!”
After my cataract surgery a year ago, I stocked up with multiple pairs of glasses. I have my inexpensive — okay cheap! — ‘everyday glasses’ that I selected. The second pair are the ‘more expensive glasses that Jan insists I put on whenever we go out together for dinner and she has to look at me.’ The third pair is the ‘very expensive prescription Maui Jim sunglasses’ that Jan described as, “Gary, if you know what’s good for you DON’T EVER LOSE THESE!”
Having three pairs of eyeglasses seems extravagant. It is also strange because isn’t three pair a half dozen? The way I see it I am looking for my glasses six times as often!
Unfortunately, I recently misplaced the ‘more expensive glasses that Jan insists I put on when we go out together for dinner and she has to look at me’ — which accounts for her insisting that we order takeout these days.
We went to the eyeglass boutique that we have shopped at for many years. Dennis, who owns the place is an optometrist; or is it an optician? It is one of those ‘opt’ words. For sure I know Dennis is not an Optimist because he has never hit me up to buy raffle tickets for a shiny new car.
Everyone who wears glasses knows the routine for picking out new ones. You stand in front of a display wall with a gazillion frames staring back at you. One by one every last friggin’ frame is pulled from its place and placed on your face. (Try saying that three times fast!) Then, you stand in front of a massive mirror and wait while your spouse gives their opinion of how each frame looks on your face. Let’s just say that what happened to me was, well, I made a spectacle of myself.
First, I began modelling black frames…
“Gary that black frame makes you look like Woody Allen.” Jan fumbled trying to fit the frame back in the display rack. She gave up and tossed it on the counter.
We were just getting started…
“Dear, that big black frame makes you look like Charles Nelson Reilly on Match Game back in the ‘70’s.” Another frame joins the counter.
Jan cannot stop laughing at the next pair. “Those remind me of Henry Mitchell the father of Dennis on Dennis The Menace. Take them off or I’ll have to stick a black pipe in your mouth.” Before you could say ‘seamless bifocals’ Jan tossed that frame on the counter.
Other frames I tried on made me look like Johnny Depp, Elton John, and even Allen Ludden from Password.
The next pair Jan said, “Gary if you smeared bight pink lipstick on your lips you’d be a spitting image of Carol Channing.”
Next up I tried on round-shaped frames…
“Forget it Gary, you’re not John Lennon. I can’t imagine you wearing those.”
Another pair she said, “Gary, you’re too old to look like Harry Potter.”
The next frames I slipped on created quite a scene. Jan and Dennis doubled over with laughter. A woman in the store almost peed her pants! With tears streaming down their cheeks, they could barely talk. “You look just like that nerd Urkel on Family Matters in the 90’s!”
That is when I began modelling what I called the ‘Movie Star Collection’…
“You look like Ted Dawson on Cheers, but not as distinguished.”
“Those frames make you look like you’re imitating Ryan Gosling.” “But Jan you always say I am in La La Land.”
Eventually, we were up to our ankles in eye glass frames. I blamed Jan for the mess. She blamed me, saying I had to focus more.
Driving home we were exhausted. Jan said, “Gary, to be clear that whole experience was a blur!”
‘Living Retired’ is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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