Living Retired — ‘Strike While The Iron Is Hot’
Living Retired – ‘Strike While The Iron Is Hot’
By Gary Chalk.
We had a pressing issue at our house last week. The iron died.
Before Jan could say “Gary, you better slip into your no-iron, relax-fit, wrinkle-free blue jeans and go buy a new iron,” I was out the door.
Driving to the store Jan called. “Gary, I want to be sure you understood me. You’re going to a department store for a new iron for clothes, not to Golf Town for an iron for golfing, right?”
There are so many irons to choose between that I considered it may be easier to replace my entire wardrobe with ‘Hang To Dry’ clothing. I was confused because some irons promote ‘steam features,’ while others talk about ‘water features.’
Steam features include ‘Smart Steam Dial, ‘Even Steam Soleplate Design, ‘Advanced Steam’ – hey its boiled water! – and ‘Vertical Steaming’ which works well on drapes and curtains; not so much on men’s dress shirts. I tried ‘Vertical Steaming’ many years ago before it was a was a thing: I was in a hurry, so I ironed a dress shirt while wearing it! This was my introduction to multi-tasking – and an urgent care centre.
The water features are what convinced me. The iron I bought has ‘Smart Steam Technology,’ Burst of Steam Technology,’ and ‘Spray Mist.’ I am wet behind the ears, so I fell for an iron that promoted, ‘Ironing Made Easy.’ The box also said, ‘#1 Brand In Irons’ so I figured they had worked out the wrinkles.
The new iron comes with a 36-page manual that begins with ‘Using Your Iron: plug the iron into an outlet.’ Just saying…
The manual even invited consumers to submit photographs of them ironing to be posted online.
“Jan, can you snap a photo of me ironing?”
“Gary, a photograph of you standing at the ironing board in your underwear with a Bud Lite is not going to happen.”
Likewise, you will not see a photograph of Jan ironing. This is because she sets up the ironing board in front of the television, pours a glass of wine, and turns on Netflix. The ironing lasts as long as it takes to binge-watch ‘The Witcher’ and binge-drink Kim Crawford New Zealand sauvignon blanc.
The manual also had this tip: ‘Putting your clothes on right after ironing can actually create wrinkles. Always allow your clothing to cool after wearing.’ This reminded me of the time we drove to a summer party two hours away. The heat and humidity were oppressive, so instead of arriving in wrinkled pants, I hung my fresh-pressed slacks in the backseat and drove wearing a pair of cut-offs. “Jan, shortly before we arrive I will find a gas station rest room and change.” That was the plan.
We got caught in traffic. There was no nearby gas station.
“No problem Jan, I will pull into this plaza and very discreetly change into my pants right here in the car; and ‘Bob’s your uncle.’”
Do you know how much space you need to change your pants while you are slung back laying horizontal in the drivers seat? Yanking off my shoes and pulling down my shorts turned out to be the work of a double-jointed circus contortionist! Pulling on the long pants was, well, a chore.
“Gary, you better hurray a woman pushing a baby stroller is getting close.”
I was writhing and grunting. I did not need more pressure. That is when it happened. “*#@%^*!!!” I whacked my knee on the steering wheel!
“Jan, I need a bandage!”
“Gary, this is bizarre! How did I let you talk me into this hairbrained cockamamie of yours in the first place?”
It was not a pretty picture: we are in our car, my pants are down at my ankles, my knee is bleeding; and Jan’s got her knickers in a knot.
Now you know why Jan wears the pants in our family. Just saying.
‘Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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