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Posted by on Nov 6, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Something To Crow About’

Living Retired — ‘Something To Crow About’


One of my household chores is to take the garbage to the curb Monday mornings.

This morning as I hauled the garbage bag and recycling box out from our garage I remembered the joke about the woman who slept in on garbage day. She looked out her bedroom window and saw the garbage truck across the street. YIKES! She jumped from the bed, threw an old housecoat overtop her well-worn pajamas, slipped into a pair of shabby slippers, and ran the garbage out. She hollered to the garbageman, “Am I too late?” He shouted back, “No jump in!”

Joking aside, for the past month my weekly garbage to the curb routine has taken a turn for the worse. So, in todays Living Retired column this is what I am going to crow about: before my garbage is picked up, my garbage is picked apart. By crows!

I make sure the garbage bags are tied tight. But by the time I am back inside our house – which as the crow flies is about 30 seconds – the crows swoop down and peck holes in the bag leaving a mess for me to clean up.

Contending with curious crows has flustered my feathers!

“Jan, these damn crows are making a mess. I am baffled. I do not know what to do!”

Jan just laughed off my frustration.

“Gary don’t have a bird! Thinking about crows picking apart our trash will get you down in the dumps.”

I Googled ‘how to stop crows getting into garbage’ and discovered more than I need to know about crows.

For instance, do you know what you call a family of crows? A murder – which has crossed my mind if I ever get my hands on them.

According to what I read on the internet some people figure essential oils are, well, essential when it comes to keeping crows away from your garbage.

“Gary, lemon oil is known to be energizing and purifying. Lavender oil creates a calm, relaxing effect.”

“Jan, I am trying to get rid of crows, not set up a naturopathic clinic!”

I also read you can sprinkle spices – cayenne pepper or garlic overtop the garbage bins. I was dubious. It reminded me of the garlic diet: you do not lose much weight but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

Experts also suggest you can get rid of crows by combining two things together: hang bright shiny objects that sway in the breeze while playing loud music. Hmm…

“Jan, have you seen our CD of ‘The Macarena?’ I am going to use it to scare the crows away.”

“Gary, The Macarena has as much a chance of scaring the crows away as playing The Chicken Dance!”

An hour later I have aluminum pie plates dangling from bungee cords attached to tree limbs in the front yard. My old boom box is blasting The Macarena – loud like an AC/DC concert. I went inside to watch from the front window.

OMG!!! I could not believe my eyes…

Dozens of black crows have assembled on the front lawn. The rhythmic Macarena music is blaring, ‘EH MACARENA!’ The crows have formed into three lines – dancing to The Macarena! They prance in unison and point their wings forward and then cross them across their feathered chests. Then, they reach behind and place each wing on their rump! All together each line of crows jumps up and rotates to the left and starts all over again! With their wingtips on their bums, they squawk at the top of their lungs, “EH MACARENA!”

The neighbours are peering out their windows, behind California shutters. I am sure they think I am for the birds! I know they are talking trash.