Living Retired — ‘Sneaking Snacks’
Living Retired — ‘Sneaking Snacks.’
By Gary Chalk.
Shhh…
It is about 9 o’clock in the evening. I am writing this weeks Living Retired column downstairs in my office. The lights are turned off. I can see only because of the light coming from my computer screen. I don’t want Jan to find me because I am snacking. Quietly, I slowly ripped open a package of Oreo cookies, double stuffed, chocolate. If I am lucky this should be just about enough for me to finish the column.
Jan is upstairs in her office. She is on ancestry.com researching her family roots. She ignored my suggestion that she specifically look for rich relatives because we are planning a vacation to Ireland and need a place to stay. The point is, Jan is snacking. She has a little bowl filled with Honey Shreddies — her snack of choice. The door to her office is closed.
How do I know Jan is sneaking Shreddies? When I walked past her office the evidence was in plain view on the floor: a SHREDDIE! (In hindsight I should have preserved this evidence and marked the scene with ‘Police Do Not Cross’ tape.)
Jan and I often sneak snacks without the other knowing. Here is what I mean…
A few nights ago, I was watching television in the bedroom. I was munching on salted cashews. When I came out to the kitchen for a glass of milk, Jan was nearby watching ‘The Voice.’ I must have surprised the daylights out of her! She had that ‘deer in the headlights look’ on her face. This was my clue Jan was sneaking snacks.
I sat down on the sofa and looked over at Jan. I knew she would not talk because her cheek was bulging. She pretended to concentrate on the television. So I sat, and sat, and sat…
“So Jan what are you watching?”
Jan pretended she did not hear me. I suspected jujubes, another one of Jan’s snacks of choice. I decided to wait her out.
Jan was not giving in — yet. I took my slippers off and stretched out on the sofa. Jan was uncomfortable. She had food in her mouth but would not chew with me there. I could see she was getting anxious trying not to slobber jujubes from her mouth. She could not talk.
Eventually, she got up and walked out of the room. “Where are you going Dear?” (I was having so much fun with this.)
A few seconds later Jan returned. “Gary, I was in the bedroom.”
“Did you swallow the jujubes in your mouth, Dear?”
Jan shot back, “Yes, Gary. The bedroom smelled like roasted cashews!”
“Whoa Dear, settle down!”
“Well you know Gary. You are no goody two shoes! You have been snacking too!”
Now I was on the defensive. “Okay then. Name ten times you know I have been snacking!” (I know this is a silly response, but when I use this line I can count on Jan to walk away exasperated.) Well, I’ll be damned: this time she instantly began to describe the times she caught me sneaking snacks THIS WEEK!
“Gary, last Sunday afternoon you ate a bag of chips watching the Buffalo Bills game on television. You had a bowl of popcorn watching Monday Night Football. You ate an entire plate of cheese and crackers with kielbasa watching Thursday Night Football. Gary, do you recognize a theme here?”
“I am watching too much football?”
Obviously I fumbled the ball and had to scramble. Jan had boxed me in a corner. I was trapped. I slipped out to the pantry where we stash salty stuff: chips, popcorn, and pretzels. Up on the top shelf we have some of those scented candles in a jar. I grabbed ‘Fresh Baked Sugar Cookies’ scent and went to my office to cover up the evidence of me sneaking snacks. I would have preferred ‘Oreo Cookie’ scent than ‘Fresh Baked Sugar Cookies’ scent, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
