Living Retired — ‘SLIP, SLIDIN’, AWAY’
Living Retired: ‘SLIP, SLIDIN’, AWAY’
In many households men are responsible for maintaining the family vehicles. This is the way it is at our place – mind you I don’t know the difference between a muffler and a muffin. And because we have two cars this means twice as many lug nuts for this lug nut to keep tight.
Soon, Jan’s car – which we leased – needs to be returned to the dealership. We tried to purchase the car, but the salesperson could not tell us the price – it has something to do with a contractual obligation to never, never, EVER tell customers the price of the car! This is what I mean…
Me: “So how much do you want for this new vehicle, sir?”
Car salesperson: “It is a real beauty isn’t it? We can’t keep these babies in stock. They fly out of the showroom.”
Me: “Okay, how much for me to buy one of these babies you can’t keep in stock that keep flying out of the showroom?”
Car salesperson seated at his small metal desk: “These cars are winning awards for mileage and safety. Everyone wants one.”
Me: “Okay, if I wanted to buy one of these award-winning, fuel-efficient, safe vehicles how much would I have to pay?”
Car salesperson seated at his small metal desk with a framed certificate ‘Sales Leader – 5 Years’ on the wall: “I’d love to get you into one of one of these cars. We are offering incredible leasing incentives right now.”
Me: “Okay, so PLEASE explain the leasing incentives!”
Car salesperson seated at his small metal desk with a framed certificate ‘Sales Leader – 5 Years’ on the wall: “I can see your wife loving this vehicle. It has her name all over it.”
Me: “Okay, lets get down to it. Pretend my wife’s name is all over this car. HOW FRIGGIN’ MUCH???”
The next thing I knew two burley mechanics with pneumatic air rachets were escorting me from the showroom — all because the car salesperson seated at the small metal desk, with a framed certificate ‘Sales Leader – 5 Years’ on the wall accused me of “THREATENING TO STUFF HIS DEALER PLATES WHERE HIS SEATBELTS DON’T REACH!” Some guys can’t take a joke.
So, last week when we received a telephone call with a blocked number, my first thought was that it was an anger management therapist. But no, it was the dealership calling to say that the lease was expiring, and someone would be coming to examine Jan’s car. “Mr. Chalk we need to complete the ‘Excess Wear & Tear Report’ to see if there will be any additional charges.” Naturally, I reacted the way anyone would who is returning a leased vehicle – I crapped! Yikes!
“Jan, they are coming over to do your ‘Excess Wear & Tear Report’ – for the car. HAHA! They want to see all the dents from the mall shopping carts and the gooey candy floss stuck to the seats from the grandkids. We need to pull off a miracle!”
I spent the rest of the day cleaning the car the salesperson five years ago said had “Jan’s name all over it.” Of course, it doesn’t have her name all over it. Instead, it has what every woman accumulates in her car: lipstick, eye highlighter, foundation, mascara, cheek gloss, bronze skin glow, blemish concealer, a day-night makeup mirror, AND a plug-in ionic facial steamer!
“Jan, while I clean your car why don’t you go online and open a Questrade account and purchase shares of Turtle Wax and ArmorAll Protectant.”
ArmorAll Protectant sure works! The label says, ‘Cleans, Shines, & Protects. Non-greasy Formula. Fights Fading, Aging, & Cracking.’ Of course, I did not follow the directions — instead of applying liberally I poured profusely! By the time I finished the car glistened! The scent of ArmorAll filled the garage. That is when it happened…
As I slowly backed the car from the garage, my foot slipped off the ArmorAll coated brake pedal. At the same time, my hands slipped off the ArmorAll coated steering wheel. AND I slid down the ArmorAll coated drivers seat onto the ArmorAll coated floor mats! Cheap flipflops from a pedicure that were trapped underneath the seat are wedged in my glasses.
I know. I am a sad looking sight. At least this proves anger management therapy works, because otherwise I would have screamed something about “STUFFING THE ARMORALL WHERE THE SEATS DON’T SHINE!”
Jan shook her head. “Gary, get a grip!”