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Posted by on Nov 21, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Shop Your Closet’

Living Retired — ‘Shop Your Closet’

Living Retired – ‘Shop Your Closet’

Jan sure surprised me a few weeks back.

She came into the kitchen and right in front of the coffeemaker she placed her hands on her hips – and spun around in a circle. A perfect pirouette!

WOW! The first thing that came to my mind was she was practicing one of those moves figure skaters do at the Olympics. So, I did what any guy would do: I raced over to grab her waist and hoist her overtop my shoulders. My thinking was together we would glide across the kitchen towards the refrigerator. That was the plan. But just as I reached out for her I tripped on the damn throw carpet and fell in the sink!

“Gary, what on earth are you doing?”

“Jan, I was going to lift you up and do a triple axle throw like the skaters do at the Olympics.”

Jan was not impressed. She left the room shaking her head. Only then did she tell me what her kitchen spin was all about. “I was modelling a pair of my slacks with a sweater I found in my closet. I have not worn these things in two years. It is called ‘shop your closet.’

Even though my ego was bruised – and my ribs – I mustered my nerve to say, “Which one of your closets?” Again, Jan left the room shaking her head.

Knowing the topic would come up later, I Googled ‘shop your closet.’ What came up, well, scared the pants off me!

There is a ‘Shop Your Closet Challenge: How To Wear Everything In Your Wardrobe In 30 Days.’ The purpose is to put together outfits from your current clothes and accessories that you already own without spending money buying more.

“Jan, have you heard about the 30 day wardrobe challenge where you attempt to wear every stitch of your clothing hanging in your closet in one month? You may want to give it a shot – December has 31 days. Just saying.”

I am always up for a challenge, so I decided to shop my closet. I committed to Jan that I would wear clothes that have not seen my body since, well, powder blue leisure suits were popular!

“Gary, for you to shop your closet you need to begin looking under the bed – either that or empty the central vac cannister to get your socks.”

It has one week now that Jan and I have been shopping our closet – which is like going on a diet challenge but without measuring everything before you eat it and drinking so much water that you are up half the night going to the bathroom.

I have not mentioned this to Jan, but how can she possibly wear Kate Spade flipflops, Lululemon scarves, Sergio Rossi heels, floppy sunhats – and her collection of swimsuit coverups at this time of year!

I am determined to win this clothing competition, so last night I pulled up my socks and made a beeline to the closet.

First up: my brown brogues with fancy stitchwork that I wore in high school. I remember wearing these shoes to sock hops – which defeated the purpose because we had to remove our shoes at the gym doors! Somehow last night I managed to squeeze my feet into them – notwithstanding the Dr. Scholl’s orthotic insoles!

Next up: the 3- piece suit I wore at my wedding. OMG! The jacket would not fit over my shoulders, so I draped it around my neck like a cape. The pants zipper would not close, so I traipsed into the kitchen holding my pants up with one hand and grasping the cape around my neck with the other hand!

Jan is still howling – and that was yesterday! “Gary, you are twice the man you used to be!” I took that as a compliment.

Hidden on the rack of suits, I found a sports jacket from my radio announcer days. One station I worked at outfit its announcers in gawdy orange-colour sports jackets with flashy gold buttons that we wore at promotions. Of course, I could not slip it on to model for Jan. Besides, she is still laughing at my wedding suit!