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Posted by on Jun 3, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living retired — ‘Scales of Justice vs. Bathroom Scales’

Living retired — ‘Scales of Justice vs. Bathroom Scales’

Living Retired — ‘Scales of Justice vs Bathroom Scales’

By Gary Chalk.

Friday morning was a day to remember, that’s for sure. In mere hours, my weight fluctuated and my blood pressure rose — all before lunch! This is what happened…

Jan called to me in the bathroom. “Gary, have you weighed yourself this morning on the new set of scales you purchased? I need to submit our weights today for the diet challenge.”

“Dear, I am up one pound. No, I dropped a pound and a half.”

“Gary, make up your mind. Are you up a pound? Or, are you down a pound and a half? You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

I decided to try the new scales in another room. It was worse! “Jan, I am up two pounds here in the kitchen. I’ll try over in the den.” It turns out simply walking to the den added another pound. I was desperate. I ripped my clothes off and stepped on the scales in the hallway. Success! I lost three pounds walking between the den and the hallway — there is truth that exercise leads to weight loss!

I had to admit it: the new scales were about as accurate as a television weather forecast.

“Jan, let’s take the average and say I am down three-quarters of a pound.”

“Gary, let’s be honest and return the scales to the store.”

Next, I went to my office and opened my email. This is when I discovered that we had hit pay dirt! The subject line read, ‘Class Action Settlement Notice.’ Hmm, I was interested…

The email read, ‘Please be advised that you will receive an e-Transfer in the next 5 business days.’ I remembered that months back many Canadians personal health information had by compromised by a national laboratory. Legal action ensued and now a settlement had been reached.

Right away I went to Jans office. “Dear we are in the money!” Before you could say ‘Break The Bank’ Jan and I were hugging and dancing. WHOOPEE!

“Gary, what would you like to do with our winnings? How about going out for dinner this evening? We can enjoy an expensive bottle of French wine. I’ll go pick out a dress to wear. This is going to be so much fun.” With that Jan rushed to her closet.

“WOAH Jan! Our payment from the class action suit amounts to $7.86 for each of us. That $15.72, about enough for maybe two frozen Dairy Queen Blizzards. There is no need to get dressed up.”

Just like that Jan’s demeanour, well, melted.

I explained the details of the class action suit. The Court awarded $9.8 million, less the legal fees which amounted to 25%, and then they divided the money left amongst over 900,000 recipients.

“Gary, the lawyers got more than two million dollars, and the rest of us got a measly seven dollars and eighty-six cents each?”

“You’re correct Jan. The lawyers will go to expensive restaurants drinking Dom Perignon and eating Chateaubriand while a violinist plays Tchaikovsky. We will sit in our car having a DQ Blizzard listening to The Macarena on the radio!”

This got me thinking. The 900,000 clients who had our personal health information compromised by a national laboratory received chump change. My blood pressure surged.

“Gary, you need to settle down. Go sit in the LazyBoy and relax.”

I did what I was told. I sat down, closed my eyes, and thought about DQ Blizzards. To heck with my weight.

 

Living Retired is written by humour syndicated columnist Gary Chalk.

 

Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ Friday mornings 10:30 to 11 AM on the Mike Farwell Show on CityNews570.

 

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