Living Retired — ‘RV HAVING FUN YET?’
Living Retired – ‘RV HAVING FUN YET?’
Aging is the politically correct way of saying ‘becoming an old fart.’
Here are three ways of knowing you are becoming an old fart:
1) You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist. “Hi George. I am here to pick up this months meds for my stiff knees, my sore wrists, my back pain, my dry mouth, my low blood pressure, and my high cholesterol. Oh, and did my doctor call in a prescription for my toe fungus?”
2) You and your spouse don’t quite hear what each other says. “Dear, would you like a tea?” She responds, “No thanks honey I don’t have to pee.”
And the third way you know you are becoming an old fart,
3) You and your spouse decide it is time to throw caution to the wind and drive clear across the country in a recreational vehicle THAT IS AS LONG AS THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA!!!
Well wouldn’t you know it but a month ago Jan casually mentioned, “Gary, have you ever thought of renting an RV and driving through the Rocky Mountains all the way to Vancouver?”
My response to Jan – “That would scare the bejeebers out of our friends!” – fell on deaf ears. So, I screamed: “ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ NUTS?”
I carefully inched the RV out of the garage. I was a nervous wreck. My head swivelled back and forth between the oversize backup mirrors mounted on the doors to see how much room I had. That is when it happened…
SMACK! I hoped I hit a bike hanging on the wall in the garage. But no. Horrors of horrors – one of those mammoth mirrors whacked Jan standing in the driveway and knocked her to the pavement!
We are just getting going…
Minutes later I was gripping the steering wheel, my head scrunched up touching the inside of the windshield. I had to guess how much room I had as I slowly inched the RV underneath the overhead canopy at the urgent care centre where I drove Jan to be treated for her abrasions! That is when it happened…
WHACK! I hoped it was nothing major. But no. Horrors of horrors – I smacked the ‘CAUTION LOW CLEARANCE’ sign and bent it all to hell! At least it wasn’t Jan.
An hour later with a clean bill of health for Jan – and a stern warning from the physician, “Do you really know what you are in for driving an RV?” – we are cruising along Highway 401, the busiest highway in North America.
“Gary, the sign says ‘CAUTION. LOW OVERHEAD AHEAD. CLEARANCE 11’ 4” – how high is this RV?”
Fifteen minutes later – with Jan and I leaning out through the windows – we inch the RV underneath the underpass. Motorists blast their horns as they pass!
“Gary, please keep your hands on the steering wheel. Don’t give them the finger!”
As nighttime nears, we reach where we will camp overnight to enjoy Canadas great outdoors: a Walmart parking lot. We need to park this mammoth motorhome, so Jan steps down from the RV and instantly became a screaming spouse.
Flailing her arms she hollers, “Okay, Gary you can begin to back up now.” Then she added, “WATCH OUT FOR THE LIGHT STANDARD!” I cannot see her because she is standing at the rear bumper – in my blind spot!
Screaming spouse hollers more commands – now everyone in the Walmart parking lot is watching.
“GARY! I SAID WATCH OUT FOR THE LIGHT STANDARD! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU ARE TO IT?”
For an eternity, I inch the RV backwards at the speed of a melting glacier in the Rockies.
Jan stretches her arms three feet apart – which is my signal that I have two inches between the RV and the light standard! That is when it happened…
At a decibel level equal to a Led Zeppelin concert, she let out a bloodcurdling scream: “STOP! STOP!! STOP NOW!!!”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled myself together and replied calmly, “JAN, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ANY BETTER THE STEERING WHEEL IS ALL YOURS!”
I am in a cold sweat. Jan is at my side comforting me. “Gary, are you all right? It is the middle of the night. I think you were having a dream.”
“No Dear, it was a nightmare!”