Living Retired — ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’
Living Retired – ‘Reserved Parking For Shoppers With Halitosis’
By Gary Chalk
Have you noticed who gets preferred parking these days at stores? Everyone but you!
If you are pregnant you can park near the entrance. Same thing if you have young children. If you are the ‘Employee of the Month’ you can edge out the customers you serve and park at the door. Your birthday? Park right here.
Retailers need to understand today’s shifting demographics. Here are some designated parking spaces they should consider, the sooner the better…
‘Reserved Parking for Retired Men Picking Up Beano’
I mean think about it. How would you like to be the guy who has to run into the pharmacy every week to stock up on more Beano? Better yet, imagine you are parked next to this guys car – you thought the air from the steel plants in Gary Indiana smelled! Instead of driving their car around the parking lot – with the windows wide open – guys could park right near the entrance. This would be a real benefit for these men who go through Beano as much as they drink beer and eat pickled eggs – come to think about it beer and pickled eggs is the problem! Hey if we can have scent-free hospitals, why can’t we have flatulence-free parking spaces?
‘Reserved Parking for Old Men Wearing SpongeBob SquarePants Shorts & Compression Socks’
Ever notice when Grandpa’s go shopping wearing bright yellow SpongeBob SquarePants shorts with knee-high compression socks that they are by themselves? Even their 2-year old grandson knows Grandpa looks like a dork. For the good of everyone, lets get these guys parked right at the store entrance and get them in and out FAST!
‘Reserved Parking for Retired Men Who Drove Home and Forgot Their Wife In The Store’
‘The Association of Age-Friendly Communities of Canada’ should mandate this parking designation. The first clue your wife isn’t in the car is when you realize you haven’t been hassled for texting while driving. Ensuring a parking spot right at the store entrance when you roar back would be well-used. Come to think of it I would set aside two spaces.
‘Reserved Parking for Husbands Picking Up Feminine Hygiene Products’
Ask any man and he will tell you how embarrassing it is to go the pharmacy to pick up products that he doesn’t want to be seen carrying. What’s worse is when he has to ask, “Excuse me where do I find ‘Always Radiant Daily Feminine Party Liners for Women, Regular Absorbency?’ Then, the bonehead adds, “They are for my wife.” (YOU THINK!!!)
‘Reserved Parking for Men Who Want To Ogle Victoria Secret Window Mannequins’
It is a guy thing – what more can I say.
‘Reserved Parking for Men Buying Duct Tape.’
The most popular reason men visit stores is to purchase duct tape – the quintessential tool in every guys toolbox. Men use it when their wife screams, “DEAR, COME QUICK! THE TAP IN THE MASTER ENSUITE IS GUSHING!” Women like to get even by using duct tape to rip the warts off their husbands back! The sign for this parking space could just as well read ‘Reserved for Men Fixing Things — When They Don’t Know What They Are Doing.’
Dr. Ken Shonk, a retired physician with a great sense of humour – even though he subscribes to my weekly Living Retired column! – recently published his book ‘Laughter From Womb To Tomb.’ It includes a sign he spotted on the back of a Mennonite horse and buggy near Kitchener Ontario: ‘Efficient transportation, runs on grass and oats. Caution: Don’t Step In The Exhaust.’
I first met Dr. Shonk when he spoke about the importance of humour to our health when he spoke at the hospital I worked at. As Dr. Shonk was leaving he brought to my attention a sign (he included it in his book) that my department had hung near the psychiatric unit, ‘Two Loonies Required To Exit Parking Lot.’
By the time it was brought to my attention I was enrolled in sensitivity training.
‘Living Retired’ is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
For more laughs visit www.LivingRetired.press
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